Back from the U of Chicago

[Carleen]

and all I can say is that I HATE doctors, I HATE hospitals, and I HATE cancer. AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

I'm just so upset and so angry right now. We traveled 2 1/2 hours to the university of Chicago, waited around for 3 hours, and left at rush hour so it took 4 hours to get home.

None of this is what makes me mad. I am so angry because there is NOTHING they can recommend. No phase III or phase II, not even a single phase I trial that Keith is eligible for.

Apparantly they won't consider him for any II or IIIs because Keith's cancer is so rare that he doesn't fall into any classification for existing trials. Although he has LC, his Atypical Carcinoma does not react like LC, so he can't participate in SCLC trials, and is definitely too different to participate in NCSLC trials because he is closer to SCLC. So they said our only hope is phase I, because there they don't care about pathology. But after reviewing his files they say that because of either the brain mets, or his steriod use he was disqualified from each available trial. If Keith can wean himself off of the Decadron, then they may have 1 or 2 trials available, but may not take him anyway because of his overall weakness and poor health. At that point, Keith actually said, "But that's why we are here" We need help because of his poor health and lack of other options. He told them he doesn't want to give up, he wants to fight, and they told him that there is nothing left for him to fight with. Keith's not even sure he can get off the steroids, because right now they seem to be the only thing that is bringing him some pain relief and comfort.

They made my angel cry. They stripped him of his hope completely now, and they really disappointed him to the center of his heart. He didn't speak the entire 4 hour car ride home, and when I look at him I see this intense look of pain; and it isn't physical pain.

I just want to tear someone apart. I want to beat on something or someone. I'm just so angry, but I really don't know who I'm angry at and I don't know what to do with it. I'm trying not to be angry at God, but then again I am. Why is he doing this to my Keith, and if he isn't doing it, he DOES have the power to stop it. Why won't he grant me my prayers?

God, please take me instead. I don't want to live this life anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I think I'm dying of a broken heart, literally. I can't watch him suffer like this, and I can't watch him die.

[Anais]

No words...

It's so terrible.

[Shar]

Oh Carleen my heart just breaks for you both. It is all so very unfair. You guys really need a break, I'm so sorry there were no answers for you today.

I don't have any answers for you, I wish I did.

I hope there is a trial out there for Keith, hope is what keeps us going sometimes.

You are both in my thoughts,

Sharon

[EastCoastLadi]

..oh Carleen, this certainly isn't fair at all...I hate this stupid cancer!!!, I know about trading places with your husband, I've thought that many a time too.

...Don't give up, I'm not, we're not, I'm going to put my thinking cap on and do some investigating for you.......

...Please know that we are here for you right now...no one wants you or Keith to suffer....and please, please, let me know if there is anything else I can do for you...

I'm praying so hard right now...God please hear my prayers..

Grace

[ztweb]

Oh Carleen,

I am so, so, sorry. What a horrible day, and what a terrible feeling you have. I am just so sorry. I wish there was something I could say, or something I could do to take the pain away. You are such an amazing person, and your Keith is just so lucky to have you.

Carleen, I pray that you don't lose your passion for Christ at this time. This is when you need him the most to grant you peace. I know I sound like a Bible-Banger, and I am not, but I remember being so angry at God for a few different things that I couldn't handle this year, and when I went to talk to Father his prayer was mostly for my renewed strength through God, and not to lose my faith at such a terrible time.

Know that God does not grant this on Keith...He needs him. God has plans that we could never understand. I KNOW that doesn't make it easier...I wish I knew what would.

Dear God, please bless Keith and Carleen with renewed strength, peace in their hearts, and faith. Please help them to understand your plan that most CERTAINLY doesn't make sense to us here. Please wrap your arms around them, hold them tight, and make them strong.

God bless Carleen.

[daggiesmom]

Please, please don't give up. This sounds like an awful day for you but better days ARE AHEAD. Maybe there are other studies you can participate in. Maybe Rich on our board can guide you as to where you can find other studies. You know he's Dadstimeon, he always has alot of info. Please pm him and maybe he can help you.

Keith - don't give up. We're all rootin' for you. ((()))

Joanie

[karenl]

Love and support coming to you both, Carleen. I'm so sorry that things seem desperate right now, and I hope that something more can be done to help Keith.....

Karen

[Treebywater]

Carleen,

First of all, I am so very that this is happening. I'm so very sorry it was such a terrible day. I'm so very sorry they couldn't offer any options.

I know that you are praying in faith that Keith will be healed. And I know you are so angry that it isn't happening. I promise I am now, and will continue to pray for a complete healing for Keith. He is able.

As for where you are, and the way things look for now, and the anger you are feeling: First of all, I believe with everything in me that it's OK to be angry at God. He's a big God and he can take it.

I'm NOT a 'we can't understand why He does things, for His purposes are above ours' kind of person. I'm NOT a "There's a reason for everything kind of person."

I am a 'bad things happen, and I don't think God causes them to happen' kind of person.

I am a 'God can redeem even the darkest darkness' kind of person.

I believe in radical miracles, and I believe miracles happen but don't always look like we think they should.

I don't know why he doesn't always intervene when we know that He can... I wondered that with my Mom. To be honest, I was afraid to even pray for her healing because I didn't want to be disappointed. That is a faithless road to take, I know. You have shown courage in your perseverence.

I have no answers... But I believe He is good. And even when really shi##y things happen and he doesn't stop them... I believe he can make good out of it. I DON'T believe he causes them to happen for a greater good... I DO believe that He makes beauty out of our ashes because He is good.

I also believe that you don't have to feel good about that while you're in the ashes. You can be angry, and sad, and just be where you are.

I'm rambling on, and I know I sound preachy... But don't forget that He IS good, Carleen. No matter what happens.

I don't understand why the shi##y things happen. I don't understand why you both had to have a day like you did today, or why Keith has had to be in so much pain, or why you've both had to go through SO MUCH so early in your life. I just don't.

And past all that I've said above--that I hope and pray will not cause pain or frustration on top of what you are already experiencing--I just say this. I love you both even though I've never met you. I will NOT stop praying. I will continue to pray for complete healing for Keith. I will continue to pray for miracles in your midst.

love,

Val

[cindi o'h]

Carleen,

I have no answers. Nothing to help. Only to let you know, I hear you. And I empathize. I understand your frustration, sadness, hopelessness. Tomorrow is a new day. MCMRC??? Dr. Neumanantis has been doing lots of studies in TX. ... Don't give up. There is something out there. It is just not there today.

love to you both,

Cindi o'h

[shineladysue]

(((Carleen & Keith)))

Love and Tons of Prayers,

Sue

[mamasbabygirl]

I have tried to think of something to say, all I can do is pray that this is not the case and that God grants this miracle.

[RandyW]

I feel your Pain I can't deal with hearing this much like you Do not know what to do to try something else. YOu are always in my prayeers. If I think of something or find anything will let you know. I know how you feel right now Both of you. I know this is hard to deal with right now. THIS IS SO UNFAIR I AM SOOOOOO MAD AND SAD RIGHT NOW

[Kel M]

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Kel

[gail p-m]

Carleen,

I am lost for words as well. I just can't imagine doctors taking away all hope when it's so obvious that Keith wants to continue to fight. Please know that both of you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

(((Carleen and Keith)))

gail p-m

[SBeth]

Carleen,

I'm so sorry. Just know that many of us here are keeping you both in our thoughts and prayers and many of us here understand your pain and your anger. You are not alone.

Love and prayers,

[trish2418]

Oh Carleen, my heart just breaks for the two of you. I wish there was something, anything I could do to try and relieve the pain ....

Big hugs and lots and lots of prayers going your way. Hang in there.

Trish

[melindasue37]

I'm so very sorry Carleen....no words seem to be appropriate.

I just want to let you know that I think of you often and will continue to keep both you and Keith in my prayers.

I hope today is a better day for you.

[KarHart]

Carleen, I am so sorry for all the pain you and Keith are in. Hearing that there is nothing left to fight with is devastating. It is a terrible blow after the incredible fight you and Keith have put up. I wish I could offer you hope, but all I can do is pray for you as you continue on this journey.

Karen

[tkelley]

Carleen and Keith,

No words but will offer prayers.............

Tammy

[bunny]

Carleen: the depth of love and hope that made you and Keith believe so strenuously that you would get help in Chicago is, I am sure, what makes this let-down so unbearably painful. I hurt for both of you, and I cry with you. Val spoke my heart above: as impossible as it seems to you, I am sure, I know god is still holding you. I also believe it's OK to be mad. who wouldn't be: it's not fair. it just isn't. there's no way around that.

I hope this isn't trite, I am just at such a loss for words. I have no idea what the road ahead looks like for you two, for anyone for that matter, but I know you are loved and cherished.

[Linda661]

I'm so sorry to read about this -- I just don't know what to say other than I'm praying for options to appear that you both need right now....and for hope to be restored in your life.

Linda

[Littlegirl]

Oh Carleen, my heart breaks for you and Keith. I'm so sorry those doctors in Chicago disappointed you and that they robbed Keith of his hope. I can't even imagine the range of emotions the two of you are feeling right now. I'm praying for you both and hoping that God and the doctors will give you a break soon and restore your hope!

Hang in there, Karen

[purplelady47]

Oh Carleen & Keith ~

I wish I had some words that could comfort you...

I wish I had the magic wand to make this all go away...

Pam in FL

[terriep]

Carleen & Keith,

I just want you to know that I continue to pray for you both as well................

[ginnyde]

Carleen, I just don't know what to say. I am so sad for you both. Please try to just be in the dumps for a day and then pull yourself up, brush yourself off and start looking into other options. Do not let hope disappear.

There is a tower of strength here to support you both.