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I lost it today....


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Just when I think I'm going to be alright, something happens and bam! I lose it. It's been a rough week, but today was supposed to be a happy occasion, my nephews' b-day, he's 6. All the kids, my kids, my family, a big bouncy moon-walk thing, pizza, cake, music, talking..but then I lost it.

All over a little thing, my sis needed a ride home, I first said yes, but that would mean 2 trips for me, but then I thought...I'm so so tired, I have got to learn to say no..I can't be taking care of EVERYONE! . So I said NO. But I felt aweful because....

My husband was at home, he wasn't here with me, with us as a family. He had a very difficult week, platelette transfusion, he's exhausted, agitated, depressed, and of course he's upset and I bear the brunt of it...

But today, I saw all the life around me, and thought of what lies ahead for me and my girls...that I should be getting used to occasions like these, coming by ourselves without my husband, their daddy. The aloneness, also thinking about what was I coming home to tonite..would my husband be alright?, Would this be another rough night? Thank goodness, he's sleeping.

For all you have and/or are going through times like these, I don't know how you all do it... I guess we all just do...

Grace

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(((Grace))),

This cancer thing is such an emotional roller coaster. You can't turn off all those thoughts and there will be times where you just kind of lose it like you said, but I personally think that those times help to strengthen us , as well. You've had an emotionally draining week anyway. Seeing your friend Tonya having such a rough time on top of your husbands situation is very hard to accept and process. When we go through life dealing with this disease, it seems we see everything and everyone around us in a different way than before. It's hard and my heart goes out to you. You will be ok. All you can do is to take it one day at a time.

luv ,

Sue

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You can't do everything. As a primary caregiver, you have to learn to decline some things and choose others. A cardinal rule of caregivers is to take care of the caregiver first. It is like the heart, which pumps blood to itself before it pumps to the rest of the body. In order to take care of others properly, we need to take good care of ourselves. Let others help us -- we need it. Take care. Don

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:cry: You are allowed to lose it. Take care of You in order to take care of others. It was hard for me to be happy after Deb passed at Valentines and our anniversary 2 days after Valentines day. I know how you feel. It is ok don't beat yourself up about it.
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Grace,

I can so relate. I went to a high school football game last Fall without Charlie. It was awful! All I could think about was being without him. I ended up leaving early and going home to be with him. Take care. There are ups and downs and its ok to loose it, really.

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(((hug)))

There are others who have walked in your shoes. Just be gentle with youself. It's ok to "lose it" and it's ok to grieve for what was, and your uncertainty about your future...

Just remember that your husband is here now. For me, it helped to take things one moment at a time. If I thought too far ahead I'd be completely lost.

You need to take care of yourself too. You (and your husband) need support, and not simply supporting everyone else (even if you've always been relied on in the past). Surround yourself with people who will help YOU, and come here often. We are here for you, and we understand.

Keep posting, keep venting, it really helps.

Hugs,

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Grace,

It's okay to lose it -- I do it ALL the time! Your friends and family will understand and if they don't, too bad for them. I give you a lot of credit for even going out without your hubby. I don't have young children that need to spend time with extended family anymore (they can go by themselves now!) I just passed on two family graduation parties in the last two weeks because Tony wasn't well enough to leave the house. I can't deal with the guilt and worry of going without him, so we just stay home together. (I've always been a bit of a recluse anyway!) My family keeps urging me to go without him because they think I need "outside" time, but I figure there will be plenty of that in the (hopefully) distant future.

Hang in there and kudos for getting yourself out of the house for your kids sake at least! It is hard to watch "life going on" for everyone else. Sometimes it makes me want to scream. Sometimes I DO scream. See, everyone has meltdowns! :shock:

Please take care of yourself. This is just such a frustratingly high stress situation to be in for all caregivers. Glad you were able to vent a little bit here.

Welthy

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You have to vent it out, you'll fall

completely apart if you don't, then

you wont be any good to any one.

People know the stress you are

under, it's OK to say no, you

can only do so much.

I agree with everyone else, you have

to take care of yourself before you

can be of any good to others

Kathy

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Grace,

I am sorry I missed this post earlier. I just wanted to add my love and support here as well. I agree with what the others are all saying, you are entitled to lose it now and then and it CAN be a healing thing adding strength in the long run.

You and your husband and family remain in my thoughts and prayers, as always. Please feel free to pm or email me if you think it would help? That offer is a standing one.

Chris

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((((((((((Grace))))))))))

It is so alright to "lose it" whenever you feel that way. It's not good to hold all this inside. I know that you feel you are carrying everyone on your own shoulders right now. That's normal for a caregiver. You just have to be able to say "NO" when you feel you are taking on too much. Often, others don't really have a clue what you are going through from day to day. Your feelings are so normal. I think all of us that have lost spouses have actually begun the grieving process long before we have really lost them. Just keep reminding yourself that you're strong and remember that God will help you through this. Remember that you have many friends here on this board that have lost a spouse and we are here for you. Also, remember what Katie said in her post to you. Your husband is still with you. Enjoy the good times you have together.

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I find that we all have to vent once in a while otherwise we will lose it completely. Someone once told me that if we did not have anything to complain about we wouldn't have anything to realy talk about, because when we complain we let everything out. I am so sorry for what you have to go through, just take one day at a time, because no one knows what tomorrow will bring and do not look back.

Take care of yourself, because then you will not be able to help anyone.

God Bless

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