stand4hope Posted July 1, 2006 Share Posted July 1, 2006 Hello everybody. I’ve not been posting much because I have not been well - mentally. I spent over an hour writing a big long thing to you about with all the details about a breakdown I have just gone through, but I deleted it all. You don’t need the details, just the solution. This is all I have to say about it: I broke. In the past six years, I have gotten through the loss of my mom, my dad and my Nana, and after a short time, I recovered nicely, but Don’s death took me down. When someone asks me how I am doing, I say “OK”. I’m not ok. I suppressed my grief, held it in, fought back the tears, refused to dump on everyone who has offered to help me, and said I was ok. I wasn’t. The only reason I’m even writing this to you is because in less than one week, I am better than I have been in 10 months. I’m better because I got help and started talking. I want you to know this because some of you are where I am, or will be some day. It might be caused by grief, or divorce, or a child gone bad, or depression for any reason. Some of you have handled your grief exactly the way I have. You’re keeping it to yourself. The only reason I’m getting better is because I tearfully and sincerely, totally broken, cried out to God last Sunday to help me. He didn’t “speak” to me, but somehow, He made me start talking! On Monday, I started talking. I started calling the right people, and talked and cried right out loud. I wasn’t just tearful and weepy – I cried and made those ugly noises that we don’t want others to hear when we’re crying really hard. I started “dumping”. Before my cry for help, I would get those burning tears, choke them back in the middle of a conversation, get a grip, and just continue the conversation. After all, I’m strong, right? And it’s not right to burden others, right? I didn’t want to burden the ones that TOLD ME repeatedly to call them ANY TIME. I couldn’t do that. They would feel bad about it, wouldn’t know what to say, and feel bad about that. So, I suppressed it – kicked it back and refused to let it get me. God immediately sent me everybody I needed to help me through this. I’m in counseling now, have a wonderful support group already, and have been talking about myself all week. I’m focused on me for a while and not everybody else and their problems. I can’t help anyone else right now until I get myself re-filled. I’m empty and lost without Don. I know how to function without him and am, but I don’t know how to live without him – that is to live and be happy again. We were married for 38 years. I used to tell people we were born married. I’m functioning and doing a pretty good job of it, but my heart isn’t in anything that I’m doing. My heart is broken, shattered, and smashed. It’s gotten worse as the one-year anniversary approaches. Since I finally started talking about it, I’ve learned that’s normal. So, in summary, I’m not writing this post to get words of sympathy. I’m writing to you to tell you that if you are depressed (about ANYTHING – not just grieving), start talking. Don’t think that you don’t need to talk or counsel. I had that attitude and was “losing.” And just a side note, I don't mean whining. There’s a big difference between whining and talking to get help, and the difference is obvious. The whiners don’t want to get well, they just want to whine. They choose to be miserable and don’t want to even try to get well. They want attention and want to stay in the pits. I cried out to God for HELP! He answered with people for me to talk to. He wants me to talk about it, stop suppressing it and to get it out. I just thought there might be someone else out there that needed to hear this. In a very stern voice, the first counselor I saw (my son’s counselor) told me this: “There are people that have made themselves available to you and you’re not utilizing them. If they didn’t want to be “burdened” they would not have made themselves available. I asked you who you were talking to a couple of months after Don died. You said you weren’t talking to anybody. I told you that you needed to be talking to somebody or the grief was going to catch up with you. I invited you to come and talk to me, but you said it wouldn’t help bring him back. I want you to call the people that have told you to call them.” That got my attention. She was right. So, I did, and it worked. Talk therapy works! If you’re having problems coping with your grief, or with anything, please start talking to someone about it, but be sure it's someone who can or will help you. That’s why I wrote that post to Carleen. Before Keith got to the actual dying process, I wanted her to just keep talking – to talk about Keith and their life together, to tell us the good stuff and the bad stuff. I just wanted her to keep talking. Unfortunately, Keith didn’t have the two weeks as predicted and there wasn’t time. I pray that some day she reads this and will talk to someone. By the way, if you're the "talkee" (ha!), that is, the listener, don't worry about what to say. You don't have to say anything or offer solutions, just be there, love them, hug them and hold their hand. Just listen and let the person get it out. Here’s my “talk it out” for tonight: Don’s not coming back. He’s never coming back. I’ve had these crazy visions of him leaning against the sink with his smart-aleck the-joke’s-on-you-grin saying “Just kidding. I didn’t die. Now, what the hell did you do to my house?” Seriously! I really have imagined that just exactly that way! It isn’t going to happen. God bless you all! Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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