Abandonment issues? Need advice

[Joseppie]

First of all,

I'd like to offer a silent prayer to Carleeen and Keith!!! May our hearts and our prayers be sent to both of them! Thank you!

I need advice to anyone who has experience on the abandonment of their lost loves families? I have tried relentlessly to keep in touch but now I feel like a bother. I completely understand that talking with someone may be too much to comprehend and if they never want to speak with someone again that it brings up too many heartfelt memories, I understand that. But, shouldn't that person be told? To not just completely write them off and not correspond to them and ignore them? Is that right? I lost my soul mate, my life partner, my best friend alittle over 7 months ago. Friends and family do not even respond to my calls anymore and maybe an occassional email. If it's too hard, I understand, but should I be ignored? That's how I'm feeling right now! Yes I have my own family who is comforting, but I wanted to be a part of their family as well, as well as friends, and I feel like I'm being shut out. I'm at a loss, because I don't want my best friend to feel like I'm not making an effort, but their is just sooooo much I'm dealing with. I don't want to ruin my chance to be with them for eternity! Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated! Thank you all for listening! Sorry this is so long!

[lilyjohn]

Boy this one really hits home with me on so many levels.

I never lost contact with my Johnny's niece. She was my rock those last days he was in the hospital and all of the lost months after his death. On the other had there is his sister. I met her only twice but we had one very special thing in common. We both love Johnny. After his death I never talked directly too her again. I have her email address and I send her forwards that I think she or her husband would like to see. They send me things once in a great while. Never once have they answered an email that I have sent.

Yet when Johnny's sister in law was sick I was the first one they thought to have Pam ask if I would think about being her caregiver. That didn't work on for many reasons but it never bothered either of us. I just know in my heart that she can not handle my pain along with her own. She has had serious health problems of her own. She did not live close to Johnny so she can put his illness and his death out of her mind for a while. I am a constant reminder and she can't handle that. It doesn't make me angry, just sad because I love to share stories about him and hear from the memory of others things about him.

Now too there are his children. They have been the real problem for me. I never get a call from them. The thing is neither did Johnny. He always called them and was very hurt because they never took the made the effort to reach him. The think is they knew that he would call. They had some issues and believe me after his death I had and sometimes still do have issues with them. Still every few months I pick up the phone and call his son or daughter in law. They are always glad to hear from me. They always promise to call but that never happens. Why? because they get caught up in their lives and just let time pass and forget. They don't do it to cut me off they just don't take the time.

With all of the modern conviences we have to save time we all seem to guard our time jealously. There just never seems to be enough hours to do what we intend to do even staying in touch with those we have a connection with. There was a time when staying in touch meant sitting for an hour writing a letter. Now all it means is pushing a couple of bottons but for some reason we just never seem to have the time.

I think this may be what is going on with your friends, your loves family. I suggest that you reach out to them as often as you can until and if the time comes when they ask you not to. If that time does come ask them to explain to you why they feel that way. You can only do so much. You are dealing with one of the greatest losses you will even know. If you are meant to lose them you at least deserve to know why. Then just leave it all in the hands of God.Lillian

[stand4hope]

Hello! Do you go by Josie, or Eppie or ?

This touched home with me, too. I have had the same thing, not all of my husband's family, but some. I have also had it with some people I thought were my friends, and one set of neighbors. Just, one big shut out. I don't get it, either, but I'm at the point now (recently) that I'm over it.

I've realized that if they don't want to stay in touch with me for whatever reason, it's ok. I just have to move on and learn how to make a new life, new friends, and new activities. It's not easy after 38 years because it feels like I just don't know anything else but the routine I loved and was comfortable with.

I lost my husband 10 months ago, and I began my new life just two weeks ago. I started talking to others and have decided to break out and break free of all those hurts from people that I thought cared. I guess they didn't, but you know what? They can be replaced. Hee Hee!

Read my post on this forum (Grieving) called Talk Therapy. If the words I wrote don't help, I just bet a dollar to a donut that the words of someone else that responded will help.

You go girl (or guy)! Break free of that shackle of hurt inflicted by others. You will find lots of people that care about you and will want to stay in touch with you, but you might have to take the initiative to go find 'em!

Love,

Peggy

[Ann]

This is all too familar with me. For over 25 years, I had been a part of Dennis' family. When my own mother died, she asked Dennis' mom to watch over me for her. Since Dennis' death, I have been completely estranged by his family. His father has openly told people that I "killed" his son because I did not talk him out of having a biopsy and this biopsy caused the cancer to spread throughout his body. Dennis explained to his father that it was HIS decision....not mine. This made no difference. I even had the oncologist write a letter explaining why the biopsy was necessary. I have been heartbroken over the treatment I have recieved from his family. Ironically, Dennis' dad now has pancreatic cancer and has been given less than 6 months to live. I would so love to set all this straight, but have no idea where to begin. I think being able to be angry with me and blame me has given his family someone to be angry with. So...I do know how you feel.

[Treebywater]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to mention that I can really relate to where you are. My Dad and I have become phantoms in Mom's family. If something big happens to any of them, we only here it by accident. And one of the wisest things I've read about grieving in general is that grief rewrites your address book. It seems so unfair to have to deal with the loss of friends and family on top of the loss of our loved ones, I know. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[eppie]

SOmetimes i have to make myself call my family...I live in Rhode Island and everyone is in Texas.

IT hurts to hear their voices....I hear them and I am afraid I will break down and cry.

But i do call. I amke sure I have a set idea of what I want to say. And if I cry, I do. I can;t let fear dictate my actions. Daddy wasn't like that and neither will I be that way.

Joseppie, talk to us if you need to. You have not been abandoned. It's just that things get very quiet after our loved ones leave us. Make sure you stay busy. Call those people up and ask them to come over, go to the movies or something.

My MIL formed a book club and attended a Grief Group. Both were very helpful.

Much love,

Eppie

[EastCoastLadi]

Joseppie,

Unfortunately it can be something you have no control over, but perhaps they quite don't know how to approach you. What usually happens is that everyone is second-guessing everyone else about the whys and why nots. You just may have to be the "bigger" person to step up. I know that it can be pretty crummy and you may feel like you always have to make the first step, if you do perhaps its that people see you as the "strong" on.

Also, like Eppie said, you can come here and talk, vent, cry, laugh... whatever you want to and need to, someone is always here.

Grace

[Joseppie]

To everyone who has responded to my post, I can't thank you enough!!! I will take each and every word of advice from all of you! I wish I could call each and every one of you! It means a great deal to me! I've thought about it alot, and I'm just hoping that maybe its just too much to deal with, hearing from me, seeing me, etc. I just don't want my soulmate to see that I'm not trying to make an effort, because, family is the first thing, ya know what I mean? How can I put that aside? Anyway, I'm only 35 years old, and to have lost my soulmate, my best friend, my partner, just when we were going to start a life together, it just overwhelms me sooo much. I have so many regrets because everything happened so fast and I doubt sometimes that the love of my life didn't know how much I cared! I'm sorry, I don't mean to put my needs and concerns in front of everybody else who has gone through this, please believe me. I am NOT like that! My heart goes out to everyone on this board who is dealing with this! I put everyone's elses concerns before me, that's the way I am. I am still fortunate to have my own family, but, I don't want to repeat myself to them all the time. I just basically deal with things on my own. I promise I will respond to each and every one of you who wrote to me! Thank you again! Please know that I have shoulder for you all who need it as well!

[RandyW]

Joseppie, Have you had a heart ot heart with your soulmate? Just go outside at night or whenever you want and look up and talk to them. Even if extended family won't respond this will help settle thingswith soulmate. I went through the I did not do enough thing and this helped me a lot. This is a disease that you never know how long you have to live. Maybe a day or week or maybe 10 years. God is te only person who knows when your time has come. Please feel free to vent whenever you want. you have been affected by Lung Cancer like everyone here. We are here to help you in any way we can. and we are always here. writing and talking are the 2 best ways to deal with losing a loved one I personally think. It helped me a lot. I still say good night and I Love you every night before I go to bed to my wife outside under the stars and moon. Rain or Clear nights It helps. Sending a prayer for ya. Pm if ya need anything. Click on this Link For a little help and advice on Grieving;

http://beyondindigo.com/

[Remembering Dave]

I just have to say that I'm sort of on the same page with Peggy (stand4hope). As usual. I find myself always agreeing with you, Peggy.

My husband died a year ago. My Mom died in January. The glamor of watching over the poor widow and almost orphan (ok, orphaned once - my daughter was abandoned as an infant in China) has worn off for most everyone in my life. I told my dad I could move to Timbucktwo and no one would notice I was gone except for him and it might take him a week. haha. But that's ok, I am making new friends of my own and have formed a close bond with an old friend who also lost his life-partner around the same time I lost Dave. I am finding that through the isolation, I am getting stronger, I can either whine about it or be determined to make it completely on my own. So I am choosing the later.

Hang in there. It's a common problem. Be strong. Make new friends, do new things. You can do it.