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Too much pain


Carleen

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Dear Carleen,

I understand how you feel: isolated and confused. I know that recovering from loss is a very individual matter. When my mother was in the process of dying (and after her passing away), the palliative care center offered us help from a grief psychologist and a support group. While a number of excellent resources exist, don't hesitate to seek help from your friends. My friends were always there but they didn't know how to help, what to tell me...

You are in my thoughts,

Anaïs

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My Dear Sweet Carleen....words fail me now...but just please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I have thinking about you very much this past week...

Carleen...please please don't think that God hates you..it is quite the contrary....HE loves you very much and even thou you may not be feeling it now...he is pouring his Holy Spirit into your body RIGHT now and helping you to get thru this sad time..I look at the picture of you and Keith and it brings tears.

We all know that death in inevitable and it just a matter of 'who goes first'...Maybe God's plan was that you were the stronger one and Keith wouldn't be able to make it with out YOU..so he needed Keith to be one of his angel's first...but rest assure Carleen...you will be with him again...that for sure is God's plan for all of us....Just try as hard as it is right now to keep the faith and know that Keith is in a better place looking all handsome that he is and free from pain...He is looking down at you and saying..."Sweet Carleen...please just be sad for a little while...I am fine and I will be waiting for you when your time comes and we will continue our loving lives up here where it will be Glorious and will be for eternity"....not just the little time we had on earth...

Hold on to that Carleen and it will get you thru this terrible time...and yes start praying again and please keep the faith...we will all find out someday why all these things happened to us...God Bless you Sweetie...take care of yourself....time heals...much love...hugs hugs...PamS./

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Carleen:

What an apt description of the pain -- I surely couldn't have described what it's like any better as a close family member to have to be present during the final services. I swear those services are for everyone else, not us who are in the immediate pain; and as you said, our loved one is already gone. It was especially hard on you with such a big family and friend circle in attendance -- I hope someone spent their time personally nuturing you during all of that, but I don't think people really know what to do unless they've been through it -- everyone waits for us to tell them what we need when we don't even know ourselves. It's easier for me to say yes or no to an offer at that time than come up with what I want someone else to do.

God has not abandoned you -- just let him carry you right now and let him make things the way they need to be to get you through this. There's a lot going on for you right now -- throw all your burdens and pain on God's shoulders and think of them no more as something you are dealing with alone: they will be resolved in time and not necessarily in the order or the way you might think they should be.

Now, how to get through this: one day at a time. The joy will come again.

What I've done now is to get one close friend I trust on board to advocate for/with me now (a couple would be nice, even a trusted neighbor, but don't overload yourself with too many people right now, you can add more in time as you need them -- too many people around just feed that feeling of everyone needing a piece of you during the day and now's not the time for that).

As I need it, this person (who has the flexibility in her life to do this) will help me with anything I need done.....including administrative stuff that has to happen (i.e. I may not be ready to have my mind on it yet, but it needs attention -- the will needs to be run to the attorney's office, household files need to be gone through for insurance policies and other info., clothes need to get to a donation site, etc. etc.) -- I find this works because right now I am opening up everything: I don't particularly care what I look like to others right now or what they think of my filthy house, my piles of paper, my stacks of bills, etc. etc. I'll do what I can, but that seems to vary day to day depending on what stage of "mush" I am in that day.

Everything will have it's time to get done and that relaxes my mind -- just need a person around for that world out there that says "yeah, but you MUST DO THIS NOW and THIS NOW" and I can't handle it NOW on my own. A trusted person like what I am describing here could help you research resources and options on your financial situation -- let them do the work and fill you in on options right now until you can regroup a bit.

Lastly, is your own doctor supporting you through this.... if there are any medications that are safe to use in pregnancy to help you relax/reduce the anxiety? What you are going through cannot be good for the baby either.

Sorry this was so long! PM me anytime you need me and you still should have that other info. if you want to talk.

Hugs,

Linda

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Your words are so real, and I feel honored that you share your pain with us. I hope it helps you to feel some release, to put those feelings in writing.

I hope every day that you have support around you. I hope there is someone close by that you can cry to, scream at.

There is a small book, almost purse size, that everyone who I have given it to swears by. It is not an indepth reading, instead a series of poems and thoughts.

I just found the entire book online

http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/

gail

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Dearest Carleen,

I am praying so hard for you for strength and for your baby to survive. I want this miracle in your life as it would be the best healing for you. I know Keith is watching over you and wanting that so much for you and him. But, if not then it was just not meant to be. But I pray along with so many here.

Keith may have left his sick body behind but his soul lives on and he is watching over you and loves you and is so hurt watching you go through this pain, when his physical pain is now gone. He along with God will help you get through this. Yes, God will help you! Keep asking him he will hear you. I know you don't believe it right now but he will if you keep asking. I know Keith will send you a sign that he is okay. Look for it, it will happen.

Carleen, with your body going through so many emotional changes with all those hormones, your pain is magnified so much more as you probably cannot take a sedative to take the edge off because of your pregnancy.

I hope you have people who you can lean on and talk too. That is so important. Of course you have us,as you have always let us know how you feel and we try to lift you up as we care about you and love you, but we are here out in cyber land and can only support you through your posts but and you also need physical comfort from a family or friend. Please accept it and do no turn it away. That will help you heal. You are a beautiful person and have helped so many on here that you will get back what you give. You just have to accept it when it is offered.

Eventually, I hope you seek out counceling or a support group of people who are going through what you are. You are not alone, there are so many like you who are suffering. Many on here, that have posted already. They all seem to have the same advice as one day it will become tolerable and you will feel again.

I know you heard the saying, one day at a time. Well, that is all you can do right now. Get through this day, then the next, then the next and one day it will be easier.

Please take the advice of Peggy as she told you to express your feelings. Do not hide them. Let people know what you are feeling and talk, talk , talk about your Keith. We here would love to hear stories. I bet you have many to share.

I am so sorry to hear about your financial situation. But I feel somehow you will be taken care of. If you are offered help, take it. Do not let you pride stand in your way, You can always repay, if not financially then maybe one day you can help with emotional support.

Baby steps, sweetie, and one day your steps will become a more comfortable stride and you will feel and live again and you will hear the birds sing and the sun on your face. And Keith will be right their smiling down upon you and only then will he feel comfortable enough to move on. One day you will meet again and it will be a glorious reunion. But not now as there are plans for you here.

Grieve my friend, take help when offered and know we would love to hear your stories about your life with Keith.

Love you,

Maryanne

Keeping Keith's candle lit for you.

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Carleen,

just breathe. Thats all you should be doing right now. Nothing else is important right now. Not money not bills not work, just breathe. in and out in and out thats all you really have the capacity to do right now. Everything else is too painful.

Money well make 10 dollar payments on your bills and if an attempt is being made then they cant do anything to you.

the pain. I know everyone says you will get over it one day and the pain will subside one day. What your asking I am sure is when, WHEN WILL THIS AWFUL ALL CONSUMING PAIN STOP OR KILL ME! well I dont know and noone does. I know I didn't even realize the day I woke up and realized that the grief over loosing mom and dad 9 months apart was disipating. It just clicked into me a few weeks ago. I realized I look forward to things now and I am not sure when it happened. when the pain was gone and the grief had subsided but just a moment here and there of missing them came in.

A few months after mom died my 33 year old cousin Tom died from cancer of the tounge. he never smoked or drank. but it had been mis dx'd for over a year and then it was too late. it was everywhere. Well his widow had a two year old and fell into a hole for almost two years. Just this year did she begin to live again. She is now dating again and looks forward to life again.

my point is time is time and it will pass and you can either choose to live the life Keith wanted you to live with him and now hopefully his baby so when you yourself get called home you can look at him and see how proud you made him. or not. the choices are all yours and think of it this way. If you were the one who was dying and then left keith alone, what would you want for him. how would you like him to carry on.

the baby is keith's life force and hopefully will carry on and you will see keith everytime you look at the little one's eyes.

you always have us and we will support you until you dont need us anymore.

you are loved.

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Dearest Carleen,

First I want to send you a big hug. Second, I know no words can make your pain better, only time manages to tape over the wounds. My mom was my best friend, our connection was powerful. I remember when I lost her that I prayed for God to take me too, because I couldn't bear to go on without her. I barely ate, I isolated myself. I was so angry at God, because how could he do this to my mom (make her suffer and not get to cherish the rest of her life). I still have no answers to that. But slowly as the days went by, the tears were replaced by smiles. The heartbreaking memories were replaced with happy ones. I realized in my heart my mom would want me to live to not wallow in sadness. I don't know how I even faced the days, I just did. I look at photos of myself and I used to be vibrant and happy. I now seem to have a worn and distant look. This is from losing my mom.

I remember no words made it better. But knowing people loved me and cared helped ease the wounds. You have so many people who care. Please know you aren't alone.

You are in my thoughts.

Love,

Andrea

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Carleen,

I feel like I know you, and you are such a dear. I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. You ask for advice and I have none to give other than to take one day at a time...one hour at a time, and even one minute at a time. When I talked to you on the phone the other day, I knew you needed God warm arm, his embrace to get you through...somehow the addage, "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it" seems unfair, hurtful, and untrue...but Carleen, it is not. Breathe each breath, blink each blink, and know you are loved by so many.

You have prayed and prayed for this little life, growing inside of you. Regardless of what happens, know that God helped to put that baby there to grant you new life. Keith is a part of you, and will be always. Please, please, take good care of yourself and that breath of life that has been breathed into you.

God bless you. At church yesterday our reading was amazing. I thought of you instantly. I will send the synopsis to you PM as soon as I find it. We were on vacation, so it is packed somewhere in the mess I have here.

Love,

Jen

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Listen to all your friends' advice on this message board, it seems like everyone went through a lot in their lives, they have experienced tragedy. Can your family help you financially until you get back on your feet?

I don't know what to say, nothing we say is going to make you feel better. But I know you're going to be OK, you're so strong. And I know you didn't lose your faith, you're just sad and angry and in pain.

Please do your best to take care of yourself. And the baby. I really pray that your pregnancy "stays".

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Carleen, I remember a post from a while back when you were telling us about how badly you and Keith Wanted to have a baby so that you would always have a reminder if his love and caring and compassion if anything ever happened to him. I tink God has Keith so that Keith can watch over yourself and His Baby, Just a thought early this morning I wanted to share with you. Sending Love Joy and Big warm blankets this morning, from under th rising carolina Sun.

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Carleen,

I understand your pain, and if I didn't, I would feel it from your words. We both know that there aren't any words that will make you feel better; but know that others share in your loss and are here to help you. I've sent you my home phone number in a private message; please use it if/when you want to spend time telling someone how wonderful Keith was and how much you loved each other.

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Carleen,

I know you hurt, hon, very deeply.

Put one foot in front of the other, and again.... and try to remember to be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend; be gentle with yourself.

We love you so much here, and we feel the pain through your words... and feel for you. I wish I could take some of the pain on myself, to spare you. But I can't.

So give yourself a big gentle hug from me, and remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how slowly you go. And be your own best friend, your own loyal advocate. Take the time to think about yourself, and do for yourself a bit now. You could use a little spoiling.

And never ever forget -- we love you, Carleen. Let us help lighten your load however we can.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

MaryAnn

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Carleen,

Like KatieB said, everyone has written what I would say, or want to say. I just want you to know you are in my prayers daily, and also for the life growing inside you. Jesus will be there and is there when you don't think there is any way possible that He can. He is right beside you.

Love,

Wendy

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Carleen, So many have said wonderful things and given advice and encouragment. Bless them for their kindness and love. Wish i had something better to say for your pain. Can tell you that you are in my prayers often every day. The book of Job in the Bible tells the story of a man who lost all of his children in one day. He suffered terribly not because God hated him but because Satan was trying to get him away from God. Remember Carleen that you have many people thinking about you and praying for you. pammie

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Just wanted to let you know that one more person is thinking of you. I don't pretend to know how you feel, but my good friend lost her young husband several years ago. She thought that she would never be happy again as well. Fast forward years later: She is married with a 3 year old daughter. She is happy. I know your life will never be the same because of the love you have for Keith, but I really do think that someday you will find happiness again. I'll be keeping you and your baby in my thoughts.

Cathy

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Carleen

Hold on for that baby. The pain will eventually get easier. I do not think it ever goes away, but it seems to not take over as the weeks and months go by. Let your emotions come out. Yell, scream, cry etc. get out all that anger and pain. It seems to help a little. Remember most importantly you have some many people to support and help you. If you need the help ask for it, because you will need it just to deal with what you are going through.

Your a strong person, you had to have been to deal with this sickness. Take that strength that you gave your love and help yourself. Would Keith want you to give up. With a love that the two of you shared, i do not believe that he would want you to just give up on all your dreams and hopes. Every day you live, Keith lives because of you. He is in you and with you at all times.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

God bless you.

Cathy

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CRAP!!!

CARLEEN - I feel so awful for you.

First of all, I hope everything goes ok with the baby. I don't know what else to say about that. I've had alot of pregnancy (failed) heartache BUT NOTHING LIKE THIS. I will pray for you.

Secondly, yes, funerals are awful for the spouse, the visitation especially, it was all I could do to sit down, so many people were there and wanted to talk to me, it was endless, and then I went through the same darn thing six months later with my mom's funeral, I have to admit I had to chuckle over your description of needing to go pee. and yes, in a way I felt like part of a freak show at Dave's funeral, I didn't have Faith at the visitation because I didn't want her to see Dave's body in the casket and be confused why he wouldn't wake up, but she was at the funeral (closed casket there) and she knew it was church to talk about Daddy, but I carried her in and carried her out and the whole time I was smiling like some sort of side show exhibit myself with the cute kid on my hip and it all just felt so strange. I still don't know why I held it together. But I felt like everyone was watching us, the poor widow and small orphan child.

Ok, that was way too much about me.

I am so worried about you, please talk to your doctor and see if they can hook you up with a good therapist, please, it's the only thing that's kept me sane for the last five years of my life, is having a good psychologist. I know you're going to need that practical help to get through the time ahead of you.

Please please let us know how you are doing.

God Bless,

Karen

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Dear Carleen,

I am 52 yrs old now but when I was 28 yrs old, 10 years married and had 2 Sons together , one that was only 8 months old I became a widow quite suddenly. My husband was 29 and killed in a car accident. I had always thought I could never live if anything ever happened to my husband or children. It was the first and only time I questioned God. I could not understand why he would take a husband and Father of two sons at the tender age of 29!! I came to believe God does not take people but is there to welcome them to heaven and eternal life. A life without pain, illness or anything negative in it. I found a way to live as a widow with 2 Sons one day at a time and somewhere along the way I learned to smile again and remember my husband without tears. You will too. I know that is almost impossible to believe but time does heal all wounds.

I have always read anything you have written and have followed you're journey with you. I was hopeful and I prayed all the time for you two. All prayers are answered but maybe not when you want them to be or how you want them to be but they are all answered. It is something we dont understand in this lifetime but will know all the answers when we join the Lord in eternal paradise. Keith knows all these answers now. You have always been a woman of faith and right now you're sorrow is so intense that you have lost some faith but you will regain it again. I do pray that the pregnancy is viable and you have a child by you're beloved Keith. The stress may just be too much right now though and what ever happens is part of God's plan. There is a reason for everything Carleen and I know how much you want those answers as do we all but our time on this Earth is short and we will know all the answers and that will be for eternity.

Can you just imagine an eternal life with Keith and no worries and no illness? That is how it will be Carleen. I believe this with all my heart and I know you will come to the day that you do too.

I love you Carleen and I hurt for you. I know you are going through the hardest thing you have ever been through and I only wish I could take some of that pain and sorrow from you. Look to God Sweetie and let him help you through this. PM me if you would like to talk further. We will always be here for you.

God Bless and keep you,

Jane

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