cindy0519 Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 At 10:55 a.m. (or 7:55 a.m. Az time) - it has offically been one month to the minute from the last breath that Dad took. Today is VERY VERY hard!! I find myself sitting here reliving the last few minutes of his life and wanting so badly to be able to touch him again - to hold his hand, or stoke his arm or his cheek. Being with him in those last hours was so bittersweet and as odd as it sounds, I find myself somehow needing those last few precious moments today. Today is somehow harder than all 29 days that have proceed this one. I can't put it into words exactly, but somehow today the full impact of the finality of his death is really hitting me hard! I am never again going to be able to call him, ask his advice or chat about his upcoming/recent hunting or fishing trip or tell him about our dive trips, I'll never again spend hours finding "just the right card" to send him or hear him tell me ..."I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but..." - oh how at certain points in my life I hated those words.. but today I'd give anything to hear them again. Frankly, today I am sad to my core - so much so that it is almost consumming me and it is a battle to keep it from doing so today for some reason. This great sadness is not for him - for him I am elated that he is no longer in pain and is free of all that having cancer burdened him with. My sadness is totally selfish! As much as I thought I was ready to let go - - I AM NOT READY! I AM NOT READY! I AM NOT READY! I am really feeling every word of this today ,.. "The tears in my eyes I can wipe away, The ache in my heart will always stay" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastCoastLadi Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Cindy, It is so very difficult, I truly understand my dads' 1 yr is coming up next month and I am still in shock and sadness. Please take comfort in knowing that your dad will always be with you, I know mine is even though he isn't in the same "place" as I am, he really hasn't left me. It's ok to be sad, just take good care of yourself today. Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 (((((Cindy)))))) It is just so very, very hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 ((((((((((((Cindy))))))))))))) There is just something about the anniversary dates of our loved ones passing that is unbearable. In December, it will be four years since I lost Dennis. I can tell you that each year, around December 15th, I'm a complete basketcase. I just want to curl up in the dark and be left alone with my memories. This also happens on his birthday and our wedding anniversary. These days just seem to bring back all the memories and open all the wounds that have taken so long to heal. I know how much you miss and love your Dad...and I'm sure he loves you too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flwrjunke Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Cindy, I can feel your pain. I'm so sorry. Patty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kathleen Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Cindy, I'm sorry for your pain. Be good to yourself today and everyday. I don't have any other words, but I am thinking of you and wishing you comfort. k Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 OH Cindy, I am so, so sorry that this is so hard. May God grant you peace to get through this difficulty. Please stay with us here on the boards. God bless, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 (((Cindy))) I feel your pain, and I understand. No advice, just love being sent to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NancyT Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Cindy, I understand. I also relive those last moments(its been 12 wks tomorrow since I lost my Dad). There are times I want to call him and I now get so angry he is not here. I get his mail at my house, days it just tears me up seeing the mail..... I wish I had some words to help you through...it's so very painful and sad... Thinking of you NancyT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 I am so sorry and I understand perfectly what you mean. I just went past 6 months and I know how hard it is. Many prayers and hugs for you and the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted July 29, 2006 Share Posted July 29, 2006 I am so sorry for your pain. Just want you to know that I am thinking of you. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyanne Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 Cindy - You said what I always tell myself...i am not sad for my mom anymore, I am sad for me....I know it is selfish, but it still hurts terribly. I am few months "ahead" of you in all of this. I can tell you that the pain feels less raw now than it did three months ago. I miss my mom probably more than I ever had, yet I can breath when I think about her. I can laugh more...I just miss her. I pray that this load will lighten for you. Your dad will always be in your heart, he will always be watching over you. Take comfort in knowing that he isn't far. Love to you, Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 It is always hard there are no words to ease your pain. Once the shock wears off (and you are in shock even when you expect it) the finality hits you and that is where the deepest pain is. In time the pain my be a little less but what really happens is that it just becomes a part of you. The pain is always there but you start to take it for granted and that allows you to go on with your life. God bless you and that precious little one. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.