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I'm really missing my mom


Remembering Dave

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of course, I miss the hell out of Dave. I miss having him to talk to every evening, more than anything. Sometimes I can't get past the last 2.5 years of his life when he was sick, my memory of our relationship is just of him being sick, never before that, which is kind of weird, but then again, the entire time he was sick was also the starting period of our life as a family with a child, so maybe I'm just remembering us as a family.

But, a couple of things have hit me in the chest about my mom, who died from colon cancer in January. For one thing, she had these four blueberry bushes. Huge, healthy, thriving blueberry bushes. she planted them I think when she retired. she loved those things, and when the berries started to grow she always covered them with netting to keep the birds off. My dad even wrote in her obit "she was very proud of her blueberries and they were enjoyed by many in her community" - which is true - Mom picked blueberries constantly when they were ripe - even when she was barely strong enough to stand out there - and then gave most of them away. well, the blueberries are ripe now and my dad kept Faith on Monday because she was sick, and they picked blueberries together, so when I get there to get Faith she couldn't wait to drag me out to the blueberry bushes. frankly, it made me sad, to stand there with her, WITHOUT my Mom, picking those blueberries. I stood there picking and crying. Faith thought I was just sweating.

Then, her birthday is this Sunday. I forgot all about it. We are going to lunch on Sunday for my brother's birthday, which is Friday. I was talking to my dad about the arrangements for lunch and he brought up the "what should we do for your mother's birthday" question and I just choked up. Ohmygosh it's her birthday - she LOVED birthdays, MADE us all get together whether we wanted to or not - and we still are - and for no reason at all I felt like I'd been sucker punched. I just miss her, that's all. After Dave was gone no matter how sick was she I could talk to her, now I have no one to talk to - my Dad, some - my shrink. My shrink doesn't think I need her now, at least not weekly, but she is almost my mother's age and I just like talking to her!!

Just a vent here.

now I feel better, I guess.

Karen

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(((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))

I just love you to pieces and my heart goes out to you and all the pain you have endured. I know you were the apple of your Mom's eye. Such a very special daughter. I just think it is great that your Dad is carrying on a part of your Mom by picking blueberries with that precious little Faith. I hope he told her how much her grandma loved those blueberries. Have you decided what you will do on your Mom's birthday? I know this will be a hard day for you. Maybe you could tell Faith some stories about your Mom and look at photos together. Do you have any videos of your Mom that you could all watch together? I know you will find some very special way to honor your very special Mom. So very sorry you're having such a rough time right now, Karen. My heart always reaches out to you!

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Deb had this notion I loved Blebrries and I think she was the one who loved them. First thing she planted 9 years ago when we moved into this hoese together. still pick them once a week. Your Mom is with you and watching over the blueberry bushes. it is a signof her love and spirit living on and around you. I send prayers for you and the family.

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Karen,

I know how you feel, I've been thinking about my dad alot, it will be a year in aug. since he died. It's the little, out of the way things that pop up.

Like today, we were watching a cooking show about grilling artichokes, and it bought back memories of how my dad, who loved to cook, made the best stuffed artichokes, especially around Thanksgiving. No one, even to this day knows how to make them as good as my dad did.

Hang in there Karen...

Grace

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Oh, I can relate. My mom died in january, and some days seem just unbearable. I so want to share so many things with her. I am sorry that so many people have to suffer loss from this f'ing disease. I find that completely break down is the best thing for me to do...and then I pick it up and move on.

Some days it seems like everything I see, hear or think reminds me of my wonderful mom. I look at this seven month old baby and think that forever her age will be tied to how long my mom has been gone. I also think about what a wonderful Nana she would have been.

I will say a prayer for you tonight that you have more good days than sad ones.

Love,

Holly

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We had a busy weekend. I forgot to mention that Faith and I were going with my brother's family to the American Idol concert (go Elliott!). Elliott is from Richmond, where we live, and I really wanted to hear him sing in public, to see just how good his voice is unfiltered through the TV production. I love Taylor, but my fav has been Chris. Well, Elliot was by far the best vocalist, Chris, too. Elliott should have won, darn it all, but I do like Taylor . . . but Elliott, by far more than any other contestant, did something to improve himself every week. He took the judges suggestions to heart and acted on them. And that right there at least makes him the best sport, if not the best singer. OK, 'nuff of that totally off topic subject.

So by Sunday I was pooped and so was Faith. We went to mass with my Dad and then hopped in his car and drove two hours to Norfolk, VA to take my older bro' out to lunch for his birthday. and it was actually Mom's birthday, and I'd sort of forgotten that until we were sitting at lunch and my Dad made an announcement (there were nine of us there) about remembering my mother, and I just started crying. But I got over it and we had a nice time.

so we got through the day OK. Faith and I are always looking at photos of my Mom and of Dave, and talking about them. I don't have much, if any, video of my mom, my parents never owned a video camera and I didn't take alot of video of her. But Faith remembers her well. And Dave. It is amazing to me how clearly he stays in her brain. The bad stuff, and the good stuff. all of it. She's an amazing kid.

It's really hard to lose your mom when you have a daughter, isn't it? My mom loved Faith to the core of her heart. Faith was truly her miracle grandaughter, and I'm glad Faith still feels it.

God bless,

karen

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Sounds like it was a good weekend. I wasn't online when this was originally posted- I wish I had some words to say that help, but nothing really does- The hardest part is that we all have to go thru it and get thru it in our own ways. Which just sucks doesn't it.

There are times your heart hurts right thru your chest and the sadness is so heavy- all anyone can really do is listen and give a hug. That's what we are here for.

I'm glad you all had a good time. It's those kind of days that get us thru the bad ones.

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Karen,

I am glad you got to spend time with your family over the weekend. Special days are sometimes overwhelming when you are by yourself for them.

It is good that you and Faith are staying busy. It does not surprise me that she remembers Dave and your mother. I know my grandson still talks about his Papa.

Take care. It is good to see you here every so often. Glad you are still around.

Shirley

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