1 month

[Carleen]

One month ago today my world ended. One month ago today the most loving, beautiful and wonderful man I've ever known left me.

I still can't believe it. I mean, I've cried so much this month. I've missed him so much this month. I know he's gone, but I still can't believe he's not coming back.

I can't believe I've survived 30 days. I never thought I could live 30 minutes without him. It's strange this past month has gone so fast, but also so slow, if that makes sense. The days and nights have been so long and painful, but at the same time it's not like time has moved forward. I know people expect that I be progressing and getting better. But I feel like time has stopped and I'm stuck on that one day when my life as I knew and loved it ended. I'm stuck at the moment when my life became a nightmare I can't wake from.

I love him so much. He was so funny, we laughed almost every day for 12 years; even when he was sick he still retained his humor. We talked about everything and never had any secrets or hesitation. I woke up every morning to kisses, came home to kisses, fell asleep with kisses. I heard the words I love you at least a dozen times a day. He was romantic, wrote love letters, called me every couple of hours through the day to say I love you, and bought flowers for no reason. He was so beautiful inside and out. We always held hands and wanted to be so close to each other that we snuggled constantly. This was the bread I lived on for 12 years. I can't believe that I have survived without this sustenance for the past 30 days. I can't believe or understand how I can survive without this food for my soul going forward.

I miss him. I miss these things so much. I can't stop thinking of all the blessings I received with him and instead of feeling lucky or blessed I feel pain for the loss of those gifts. I miss him. I don't want to go through this day. It is 1:30 AM and I haven't gone to bed because I am hoping to wait until I am so exhausted that I sleep through this whole day. I knew it would hurt to hit these anniversaries and benchmarks. I didn't realize it would rip me apart as violently as the instant he passed from my life. God I want him back so badly. I want my Keith. I can't live this life without him. I don't want to. Life is too cruel, too hard. I'm so lonely. I'm so sad and can't stop crying. How am I going to do this?

It's been 30 days; 30 of the worst days of my life. People keep telling me they will get better, that I need time. I don't believe them anymore. Time has only made this harder. It gets worse with each passing day as I miss him more and each day takes me further from the last time I touched his beautiful face and heard the words I love you (his last words). I'm trying so hard to hold onto him and this grief is tearing him away as my memory is being blocked and I can't even remember things about him I know I should. I just wish that somehow I could KNOW he was here with me. I need him so much. I miss him so much. I pray God let me die so I can be with him.

Did I mention I miss him so much? I love you Keith. I have always loved you. I will love you forever.

[Treebywater]

Carleen--

I did not lose my love, I lost my Mom... but I can relate in general to grief, though I would never pretend that I know what it is like to go through what you have been through.

For this entire year since Mom has been gone, I have chaffed at well-meaning people's efforts to tell me that 'I will eventually feel better.' The truth was, I didn't want to feel better. I don't ever want to "feel better" about the fact that my Mom isn't here anymore. I have winced at each and every passing day knowing that it takes me one day further from my Mom. And that has been like loss after loss after loss.

This is what I think: I don't think it ever really feels better. I think it always hurts. I think that we somehow learn how to live with the gaping hole in our hearts--and yes, even this thought is a thought that is painful in some ways. It isn't fair that life goes on without people as amazing as your Keith was, and as my Mom was... It just plain sucks. And it hurts.

You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to not want to feel better. You are allowed to feel this pain thoroughly until you are able to function around the hole that has just been ripped into your chest.

I am so very, very sorry that Keith is gone. I wish with every fiber of my being that he could be here with you giving you those kisses and snuggling with you at ever possible moment. I hurt with you, and though I wish somehow something I say could make things a little easier, I know it doesn't work that way.

Do know that you are loved. Do know that when you hurt, we hurt with you. And do know that you are accepted and cherished in all of your feelings.

(((((Carleen)))))

[ginnyde]

Carleen,

8/18 will be 2 years sinced Earl died, so I am many months ahead of you on this journey.

While we all grieve differently, I think there are some common things. For the first days or weeks we are numb, in shock, and the reality has not set in. We expect our sweethearts to walk in the front door and say "Hi Babe, I'm home".

Then as shock leaves and reality sets in we begin to really know this is for real and I think this is when the real pain happens. But sweetie, from my experience and those of so many widows here, it does get easier, not easy but easier. It happens slowly and is not a straight line. One minute you may realize you laughed, not a polite laugh but a real laugh and then the next minute you may find tears rolling down your checks.

I would give my world to have my world (Earl) back with me. But I would not want to have that first year back after he died. That grief was almost unbearable.

My best advise is to stay busy, with family, friends, work. Join a book club, a gym, do something, anything to stay busy with other people. And stay here with us, too many of us have been there and can provide you the support you need.

[RandyW]

Carleen, You know I could have written the exact same thing 5 months ago. You know my story all too well I am sure. I pray every Day that you get to the point that I am at. The pain is much duller now the memories are still there and the love burns as bright as a cancdle every Day.THE pain is duller but not gone and the memories are still as wonderful as always. Ask your local nursery about the ButtterFly Bush And plant it in the Yard in Memory of keith sometime They are Beautiful in bloom and I know how you Love Butterflys. Prayers always Randy Wallin

[mitzu]

All of us that lost someone are hurting as hell. And Keith left too early, and of course you miss him. You'll always miss him, your life will never be the same. And it hurts every time you think about him. It must be awful for you.

Grieving is good. Talking about your grief is good. And we're all here for you. May God ease your suffering...

[I-Keep-Praying]

Thinking of you today Carleen. You are in my prayers. Hang in there girlie.

[Maryanne]

Dearest Carleen,

This is a devastating anniversary. But I love when you tell us about your life with Keith (my Camelot couple). What a beautiful life you two had except for that dreaded disease that took him away.

Grieve all you want, lash out all you want, that is part of your healing process. Yes, healing, you will heal as this is what Keith would want.

He is around you Carleen and his heart is breaking that he cannot be with you physically, cuddle with you and to tell you how much he loves you and how much he misses those kisses.

Please continue to tell us about your life with Keith. It will help you heal.

I know I said that before, to write us about your Keith, before that monster took him over. Where you met and when you fell in love. Just keep talking, that would be the best medicine. You can confide in us about anything as we care and love you so much. We feel your pain with each post and the lonliness you are feeling is encapsulating your entire being.

Thank you for continuing to reply to people's post on here. I feel so good when I see you respond. You are helping people and that is a good sign.

I keep a white candle lit for you for strength to carry on. I also send out healing vibes during my meditation sessions. Keith is just a whisper away. You will get a sign. I know that with all my heart.

Are you under a doctors care and taking any medication? I hope so. Also please accept the love and support from family and friends and lean on them to help you through this. And most important, talk, talk, talk about your Keith... that will help you the most.

love ya,

Maryanne

[EastCoastLadi]

(((Carleen)))

You know I'm here for you.....

Grace

[shineladysue]

(((Carleen))),

I don't want to discourage you, but Aug 2nd will be 5 months for me and it is still very painful and still very hard, but like you said "I've survived". It's not easy, but we are surviving . We were blessed to have them , weren't we? Not everyone is married to the most wonderful perfect person in the world. I was and you were.. We have been so blessed. Hang in there, know that I understand..

Luv and Prayers,

Sue

[karenl]

Dear Carleen

You and Keith remind me of my parents. It will be one year next week that Mum died. My Dad is surviving.....it's hard, and it hurts, but he is surviving. You can too.

Love,

Karen

[mamasbabygirl]

Carleen,

Thank you so much for sharing beautiful stories about you and Keith. I would like to hear more. Share, please share!!

For me, it did not just get better. I just got to a point where I wanted and needed to feel better. So, I got up everyday and took action to make my life better. It was months down the road after Chad passed, after spending months not knowing what the hell my life was supposed to be without him. It was after months of not functioning, not working, crying, withdrawaling, on and on.

I know that you will be there when you want to. For now, no on expects you to want to. What happened is tragic and you are completely allowed to feel robbed and devastated. It doesn't help that your inlaws are little shits. Just breathe and take it one day at a time. In the meantime, I think of you constantly, praying for a little relief and tons of support to flock your way...

((((Carleen)))))

[stand4hope]

Hang in there, Carleen!

Love,

Peggy

[lilyjohn]

I have no words just love and prayers for you.

[ztweb]

Oh Miss Carleen,

I am so sorry to read your post. I hate that this is tearing you apart. I hate that your grief is overwhelming, and too much. Please know that I am here for you, and that we all are here for you.

I want to hear more stories about Keith. I want to know more. I want you to share those stories to keep those memories where you want them to be. It will get easier Carleen. You have known the most amazing gift of love, passion, and strength in your Keith. Emulate that strength girl!

I'm here.

God bless you.

Jen

[cindi o'h]

no words, Carleen. Just more tears with you.

Cindi o'h

[Ann]

Carleen...so very sorry for your pain. I know just how you are feeling. There's nothing any of us can say that will take away your pain. Time is a wonderful healer. Even time won't heal all of the wounds but it seems to make them hurt a little less.

[cindy0519]

(((Carleen)))

Crying with you...I DO understand! It's okay to grieve, to be angry, to feel cheated and to want it all back!!

I hope there is someone nearby to just sit with you and hold your hand while you cry and give you gentle hugs!

Wishing you peace,

Cindy

[Patkid]

(((((((((((Carleen))))))))))))))

Not the hugs you are screaming for, but they are heartfelt and offered w/ love.

pat

[ErinC1973]

I am so SO sorry Carleen. It makes me heartsick to watch you go through this. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but from what I've been experiencing...it must get worse before it gets better.

[michelepal]

(((Carleen)))

I'm so so sorry for your pain! I wish there was something I could do to ease your hurt.. Praying for you and for better days to come..

Love, Michele

[anothersister]

Dear Carleen,

I did not lose my spouse, but I did lose my sister, who was also basically my mother, and my best friend, just over a year ago. I am still a zombie, you can not expect to feel otherwise. What I did, and still do, is talk, talk, talk to whoever will listen, write, write, write, to myself and on this board. The silence is deafening, not hearing that voice, not having those conversations, I know. I stay up, too, to the point of hoping that I will just drop of exhaustion. There is no specific turning point in grief, I know that now. Try to write down everything you can about your wonderful man....you can write it down here, on this website. I wrote a post recently just to get the feelings out, and didn't expect any answers, but the people that answered---it helped-----it didn't make my life better, it just got me through that moment. But it did help get me through that minute of desperation. My heart breaks for you. Time really doesn't help, it just goes on. You just kind of trudge through it.

[ma's kid]

No words, just caring hugs.

Libby

[adela]

Carleen, it is very painful. Each day is torture at times you just want to cry out to anyone that you are hurting. This journey all of us on this site is made a tad easier with all of us reaching out and touching someone and letting them grieve. It will be 5 months come August and the days just change the pain is still there. I think of you often and hope you are taking care of yourself.

Adela

[cmrsm]

(((((Carleen)))))

I am so sorry for your pain, but you are strong. Remember that Keith fought hard for you. Some of us never ever experience a love like you have with Keith. Some of us never find our true soul mate. You were the lucky one. You found your soul mate and he will always be with you. Everytime I read your posts I feel the love your shared. Your bond and love is special, but the only way for it to live is through you. Remember life is short, but during our short stay you experienced one of life's most precious emotions, Love, with your true soul mate and you had him physically for 12 years, but you will have him forever in your heart. You are truly lucky to have experienced the love that you have.

My thoughts and prayers are with you every day.

[hopeandstrength]

(((Carleen)))

love,

Cathy