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I don't know who I should be more mad at my mom or myself for being mad at my mom. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago. She was a smoker since she was 16 and stoped when she found out she had cancer at 54. Sometimes I get so mad at her becuase she brought this on her self, but then I get mad at myself for even beign mad at her and not being there for her during this time. Is this a normal feeling. I just want to yell at her sometimes and say what were you thinking you knew this could happen and you didn't even try to stop. I know I'm being selfish and I know parents are not ment to live forever but I want her to live longer then 56. :cry:

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I hope that you will understand a few things here. Your mom and I are about the same age. During our childhood more people smoked than you can count. On tv, movies, you name it we smoked. I was in the military and they gave us for free smokes in our food rations. Cancer and smoking has had more education the the last couple years than the last 20 years. Please dont be mad at your mom as long as she is not smoking now and be thankful that you were better educated.

God Bless

Don

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I agree with Don, your mom didn't have all the information we have today. I'm only 36 and I can remember it still being controversial to have warning labels on the cigarettes when I was a kid. The FIRST surgeon general report on cigarettes and health wasn't until 1964, and the first warning wasn't until 1965. Even then there were so many groups that advertised that the warnings were being forced because of a bunch of radical worry warts. Your mom started a habit during a time when cigarette smoking was not only thought to be ok, but strongly promoted as the social and sophisticated thing to do. Forgive her this error in judgement. Even if she had known, she is human and as such we make mistakes. Sometimes big ones.

Second, Don't be mad at yourself either. You are angry. You have every reason to be angry. CANCER SUCKS SO F$*N MUCH!!! You want and need someone to blame, a tangible target for your rage at what this is doing to you, your family, and your mom whom you love so much. I understand that anger. I've been angry at God, I've been angry at myself for not forcing my husband to get tested when we first met at age 23. I'm just plain old angry. Sometimes I get pissy with the people who are around me because they are convenient to lash out at. I hope they understand, I don't mean it. There is just so much anger that needs to get out. I've gone outside and screamed at God for being so cruel, and forsaking us. I hope he understands and forgives me too.

It is normal that you are feeling anger. Forgive yourself. But also find an outlet for it otherwise it will consume you and make you miserable. It will destroy the precious time you have with your mom. When Keith was first diagnosed I joined a Tae Kwon Do class. I'd go and kick the crap out of a big bag. I'd punch, I'd yell. It felt good. Right now, I'm thinking of starting going to the shooting range. I have the strong desire to DESTROY something. I want to blast something to hell and back. I'm pissed. It's normal.

Unfortunately though, there is no one to blame. You can get mad at cigarettes, but the truth is that there are more people getting diagnosed with LC that are non-smokers than there are smokers. My husband was diagnosed at 31, and he didn't smoke. Sometimes sh!tty things just happen to wonderful people. I don't understand it, I wish I did.

(((Theresa)))

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Smoking may or may not be the cause, but please do not add to the pain your Mother feels by suggesting it's her fault. Many sufferers have never smoked. But if they did or didn't they do not deserve cancer.

I think you are "mad". Getting through the initial stages of the diagnosis is getting mad - and sad - and then you deal.

Your Mother and you need to spend this time supporting each other and loving each other.

Mary

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One of the reasons Lung Cancer, while claiming more victims than all other cancers combined, gets little funding and less sympathy is because people believe we've brought it on ourselves.

So if you want to be mad, be mad at yourself. Your attitude that Lung Cancer is a self-inflicted disease is killing her and the rest of us.

If you want to advocate for your mother and help her than try to spread the word that LC must be given research funds on the par with the politically correct cancers.

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Theresa,

Start a personal journal. Get angry in that journal, or with your girlfriends. But, please don't convey those feelings to your mother. You need her right now, and she also needs you. Please don't rob yourself of the time you could be spending with your mother to get closer to each other.

If you feel you need to vent, feel free to PM me.

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Besides the times have changed since your Mom first decided to smoke, did you know that cigarettes and nicotine are more addictive that cocaine? Once they(the tobacco companies) have you "hooked" it is not an easy thing to just quit-- for most people. Add to this that most people start smoking as kids when they believe they are invinsible.

Donna G

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I live 30 minutes from all the tobacco companies. I work Next to Lorillard tobacco HQ. i was a smoker but since Diagnosis I quit and so did My late wife. We accept responsibility for her diagnosis. I can read the warning on the label. Do not put on Mom She needs all the support shecan get. Many words of wisdom Here. Sending Prayers.

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Theresa,

You are hurting and you are angry. They are valid emotions.

The problem comes when we need to assign our anger to someone or something. Are we angry with ourselves, our loved ones, God, the companies in our environment, the doctors? I know I've lashed out at the wrong people a time or two on this journey.

I like the idea of journaling your anger. Just telling yourself not to be angry is to deny these very real feelings.

Most likely you are angry with what feels like a very unfair situation. But how do you put that on a dart board and aim for it?

I've seen lots of "Cancer S*cks" shirts, etc. That seems to be really at the heart of the matter. Maybe put that on your dart board!

So don't be so hard on yourself--or your mom. You are mad--deal with that emotion, so you can move past it.

Lots of love to you.

:) Kelly

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I am not a smoker and never have been. However, I for one know that there are many things I do to my body every day that damages it. I've had skin cancer. Do I wear sunscreen every time I am in the sun? No. Although I don't do it now, I used to overeat. That's been known to kill people, too. I think we need to clean up our own doorsteps before we start blaming other people. None of us are perfect. Do I blame my father for bringing this disease on himself? No. Neither am I going to be mad at him if he smokes a cigarette now. The man has smoked for over 50 years, and this is probably the only pleasure he's ever going to have in his life again. I'm not going to sit in judgment and take that last pleasure away from him if he wants a cigarette. I'm just not going to do it. It's his body and his life. I'm mad at the disease. Not my father. He's just a victim.

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Theresa - be mad at the disease, not the victim. Your mom did not know that 40 years ago when she started smoking that it could be the reason she would get cancer. It was the COOL thing to do back then! Instead of being angry with her you should be so proud that she did quit. I know it is a horrible addiction and I commmend anyone who finds the strength to quit. Lots of folks here never smoked and ended up with cancer anyway. Some that smoked and ended up with cancer never found the strength to quit.

Your mom needs you on her side to fight this battle. Don't let the anger/fear or whatever else you may be feeling come between the two of you.

Good Luck, Karen

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Lots of great advice. It's normal to be angry- at her, at yourself- but keep in mind all the facts, when she started smoking, that generation and the acceptance of smoking then, and also the fact that smoking is more addictive that heroin.

Find a way to vent your emotions and express them so that you will find some peace with all of this. Be mad at cancer, be mad at how it has turned your moms life and all those around her upside down, be mad at how unpredictable your lives have become and be mad at how scary it all is, but be THERE for your mom. She really needs you.

Keep us posted. We are here for you.

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It is normal to get mad at your Mom. It has been my observation that just about everyone gets mad at the smoker/former smoker for at least a little while. Don't beat yourself up about your feelings. They will resolve on their own. You're scared of losing her, I know. Stick with us, kid. It's alot to handle.

Cindi o'h

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Theresa,

Get mad at the cancer!!!!!, your mom is just a victim to its' clutches. Sure everyone bears some responsibility, but remember when AIDS first came out, it was "viewed" as I call it "A behavioral disease" - referring to you do a certain behavior, then you are to blame. Now look at how far we have come to dealing w/ AIDS, there are world conferences, government funding, concerts, awareness days, research, and AIDS doesn't have that "stigma" that it once had (at least in my opinion). Now it has to be lung cancers' time!!!! .....we need to get rid of the "stigma" the public needs to know how devastiting of a disease it is.

...

Grace

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I'm deathly afraid of losing her, ever since I was a little kid I have been her shadow, we would do everything together she is like my bestfriend. We live in the same state and talk on the phone more then once a day. I get mad at the fact that if she does die she will not beable to see her grandchildren my daughters grow up. I know she is not going to live forever, becuase people don't live forever. I understand that. What I don't understand is why. I feel like I'm just rambling on and getting now where.

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"Theresa"]I'm deathly afraid of losing her, ever since I was a little kid I have been her shadow, we would do everything together she is like my bestfriend. We live in the same state and talk on the phone more then once a day. I get mad at the fact that if she does die she will not beable to see her grandchildren my daughters grow up. I know she is not going to live forever, becuase people don't live forever. I understand that. What I don't understand is why. I feel like I'm just rambling on and getting now where.

Theresa, you are not rambling, you are grieving. Anger is a natural part of that process. Enjoy her while you can, pray that she will make it through this terrible time and be with you for a long time.

You are sad and afraid. It is a good thing that you recognize your feelings. Just love her right now. That's what she needs and that's what you need too.

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Teresa:

There is no answer to why, but you can deal with what. Your mom has cancer. What you can do is find out all you can about it, her treatment and be an advocate for her.

I have been dinking around with this d**n disease for almost 3 years now. Since then I have met 2 grandchildren. I expect to survive for many more years. There are other survivors who have been around for years and there is a good chance that your mom will be another one. Lung cancer is viewed more as a chronic disease now if there is no cure possible in the early stages.

Ask your mom to give written permission for you to have access to her medical reports and start keeping a notebook. You could have copies faxed to your local doctor, perhaps, and you could pick them up there. It is good to have one person aware of all the treatments that have taken place and conversant enough with your mom’s disease to participate in treatment decisions with the oncologist. If you don’t live too far away, perhaps you could attend key appointments with your mom, such as follow-up appointments for scans and discussions of treatment strategies.

Has your mom started treatment yet? If she has not, things will settle down for your mom and you as soon as a plan is implemented and you can see that something is being done about it.

You and your mom have my prayers.

Don M

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This still blows me away that in 2006 common sense hasn't entered the daily lives regarding this topic. Cancer research as a whole has found that every person has the cancer cells in them. It is a tause in the dark of when and IF they become active or not. Not to mention we live on a plant that chewed a big hole in the ozone layer sitting right over top of us????? If polution is able to do that what is it that makes you think our lungs are safe? 20% of the typical "smokers lung cancer" are non smokers and growing.

Medical science says after 10 years off the cigarette a lung is back to normal. How many people have more than 10 years off the cigarette and still visit this site??? My neighbour quit 16 years ago and passed 2 weeks ago from lung cancer of which the doctor himself said did not cause this.

I personally have smokers on both sides of my parents families. They must all have lungs of steel since they live well into their 80's and die of dementia before even a smokers cough devlopes. My Dad's lung cancer maybe from working at Goodrich before they announced their chemicals were toxic back in the mid 80's.

This is not about smoking .... although it is at the very least an aggrevator, it's by far a single cause.

I'm glad you are taking a step back and seeing your feelings as they truely are ... fear of Mom gone. Getting mad in this situation is normal ... example is my Grandfathers nursing home. All they had to do was get him out of the bed more often or turn him a few more times. Then maybe he wouldn't have gotten the bedsore that became gangarine and finally posioned him to death.

Point is .......... No death regardless of it's cause is without anger and a mountain of "what if's".

Tammy

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I second and thrid and forth everything that Tammy just said. :wink: Global Warming ring any bells?? We live in a world filled with pollution and poision chemicals floating around in the air. The foods we eat have all kinds of chemicals on them. Yet, we need to blame only smoking on lung cancer? What other cancer comes with a blame factor? It's sad, because if everyone in the world stopped smoking tomorrow, we would still have lung cancer in this world 50's from now.

Please just look at your mom's cancer as just that, it's cancer and nothing more or less. IT's a horrible disease no matter what kind of cancer it is. It SUCKS and anyone with any kind of cancer will agree with that fact. Just love your mom and be her shadow and stop judging her for what she did or didn't do. Unconditional love! None of us are perfect, and we all do something once or twice in a lifetime we aren't always proud of, but it doesn't mean we deserve cancer.

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Urgh!!! As I read all of these posts I get so frustrated. I feel like I should "feel" differently, or that I am niave, or stupid, or uneducated, or something. Yet, I can understand how you feel Theresa, and although I don't feel anger about it, I am not going to lie ... every time I see someone lighting up I just want to hurl. Not smoking IS something we can do to be healthy individuals.

I am TOTALLY aware that cigarettes don't cause every cancer, but we do know they play a role...to deny that seems bizarre to me. I have probably made a ton of enemies out there by saying that, but it does play a role.

I put my kids in hats outside, slather them in sun screen, take vitamins, eat veggies and fruits, exercise, and heed the general idea of things I need to do to be healthy. The facts are...not smoking is one of those things I do to be healthy...People who smoke don't CAUSE their own cancer, nor do they deserve others to treat them as if they do, but people who smoke are at a high risk...there isn't denying that is there?

So..let me just say this...do I think those who smoke are "stupid"...absolutely NOT. Do I think those who smoke are addicted....absolutely. Do I wish they wouldn't smoke...absolutely. Do I get angry at them...no. Do I wish they would stop...yes. Do I wish there was more funding...yes. Do I deny that smoking oftentimes plays a role in cancer...no, I cannot deny that. Do I blame my dad for his cancer...absolutely not. Am I sad he smoked...absolutely...it just isn't healthy.

God bless...and for those who want to throw tomatoes at me...I'm sorry :cry:

Jen

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((((JEN)))))) Very well said my dear! :wink: I don't think anyone can deny smoking is bad for you. HERE HERE YOU BET YOUR BOOTIE IT'S BAD FOR YOU! I know I never would deny it. I just don't like it to be the only factor cause attached to lung cancer. It plays a roll, but it's not the only roll in lung cancer.

They also have proven that smoking also is a factor in breast cancer dx.s, but we never hear about that. :roll:

I'm throwing Hugs to you Jen and I'm keeping the tomatoes to eat! Besides I love home grown tomatoes. :wink:

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Theresa, I so identify with you. My parents both drank and smoked my whole life.

My dad passed away three years ago from emphysema. still my mom smoked...Even after Dx. of lung cancer in May she still smokes. She says that everything else in her life is out of control and this she can control...she is not ready..she is not quiting...

So what do I do? I just go day to day doing what I can. When I get angry I just tell myself that I am doing this for me. I know that sounds selfish but at the end of the day I know that I have truly done everything I can do to help her. Its her choice.

Try and focus on the good times and remember she is only human, and we all make mistakes.

I hope this helps

Kim

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