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Just some late night ramblings


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I watched a homemade DVD that my Aunt and Uncle put together of their visit to see Mom about 10 days before she died. The first night of their visit I ate some humble pie and went and begged to borrow a guitar from a family that we had once been friendly with but weren't anymore. I brought the guitar home and handed it to my Uncle and he played songs late into the night. That was one of my Mom's favorite things in the world--to sing with the family as Uncle Ken played his guitar.

So as I was watching, of course a million things hit me. The first was--My God, Mom looked terrible. She looked like a woman who was dying. Turns out, she was... I just didn't know how close she was to the day she would go. I guess DeNial really is more than a river in Egypt. I didn't think I had been so firmly steeped in it at that point, but I guess maybe I had.

The second--Carolyn was SO LITTLE. I mean... she was at that boring baby stage where you love them just because they are so helpless. She was rolling over, but that was it. That really smacked me. Mom has missed so much of Carolyn's life. I was so blessed and lucky that she was able to see her before she died, but she has already missed so much...

Carolyn woke up while I was watching the videp, and I brought her out to rock in the chair and watch along with me. She pointed to the T.V. every time Mom was on it.... Maybe I am reading too much into it... But maybe something in her knows her Gramma. I want to think so.

Mom's quick wit and fast mind are as evident as ever in this video. Here she was less than two weeks away from her last breath, but she was cracking jokes... recalling obscure trivia, and naming off the original artists of old gospel and country songs with a far greater recall than any of the rest of us.

My favorite part of the video is during a part of the evening where I was off looking for guitar chords on the internet for my uncle to play more (he was a little rusty ;)), and it was just Mom and my Aunt and Uncle in the room. Mom ends up relating a story that we'd been referencing all night about my loving the song, "Tennessee Flat Top Box." She remembered the very smallest detail of the story... and told it with that 'Mom voicte' that I'm only just beginning to get. And then she says they thought I'd be the next "Doogie Howser" or "Sally Ride." :)

I'm suprised that I was able to watch the thing... and yet I'm not. As sick as she was and as terrible as it was to see her that sick, I needed to see my Mom. I needed to hear her voice and see her mannerisms. At the end of the video, she goes to bed, and I swear to you, part of me thought I would go back into the hallway with her and hug her goodnight. I thought I would feel the hug.

Husband is home now, so I must be away... But those are the late-night ramblings of Val in reflecting upon the video I just watched. Where else would I be able to ramble this way?


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Thank you for rambling!! Mom has talked of making a video because a very close friend of mine who lost her Mom when she was 19 said the ONE thing she would about give anything for is to hear her mom's voice one more time and that stuck with Mom.

I'm so glad you could watch it and enjoy those memories...

And, you know, I have a feeling Carolyn DOES know her just fine! :wink: And she'll get to know her ever better as she grows and hears stories about your amazing mother!

Much love and many prayers, Val...


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I have a vidio of Johnny. I love to play it and see him again. On one vidio I have just his voice but it is so typical Johnny that he makes the vidio. I cry because it is so wonderfull to see him alive and well again (he was great in that vidio, part taken the day before the nurse made the remark that changed everything). I wish now that I had taken hours and hours of vidio. At the time we were so busy just doing his treatments and loving eachother we never thought about it.

As for your baby. I have a thought for you. Maybe your baby sees your mom and she did recognize her in the vidio from the visits she gets. Babies sometimes see much more than adults.

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Hi Val

I think it must be nice to have that DVD to watch. And it will be nice to have something to show Carolyn as she gets older. I totally relate to being surprised by seeing how sick your Mum looked in the DVD. I, too, thought I was fairly well grounded in reality when Mum was sick, but recently looked through some photos and saw how sick she looked many months before she died, at which point I never really considered she would die. I've been struggling with the whole stupid Mum dying thing a lot recently so I don't really know what else to say to you, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and also know how hard this all is. Hug that precious girl of yours from me.



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What a wonderful gift from your aunt and uncle. Cherish that video, make copies of that video/dvd and get it out as often as you need to.

I stumbled upon an old houseboat getaway weekend in our video library a few months ago. I was so disappointed as I scoured thru all of our videos, it dawned on me that Bill was always behind he camera and rarely in front. The few videos we have that he is in the video...guess who was doing the taping? Me..hence, we had no video of us together and that was hard for me. Low and behold, we took this houseboat trip with some friends and a new camcorder and Bill's best friend loved our camera and as a result there was about two solid hours of Bill and I on tape. We're sitting on the boat, swimming in the lake, lounging on a raft...it's priceless to me, absolutely priceless.

I'm so happy that you have this precious gift to help you re-find your Mom and spend time with her whenever you need to.


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You *ramble* any old time you feel like it, Val. Your posts always touch me and I love how you express with words what you are feeling.

The only video we have of my dad is at their 50th wedding anniversary..I hope my mom has it because if she gave it to me for safe keeping..it burned along with our house. Keep those videos safe, Val.

I think Carolyn knows her gramma, too :) and for sure she feels her love.


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You're so lucky to have such a priceless gift of a video like that.

I would suggest getting a copy of it so you'll always have it.

I believe that although your daughter and Mom didn't actually know each other, they are tied together in ways that we'll never know. Just keep sharing your stories and memories and she'll cherish that video as much as you.

Warm Hugs,


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