This and That

[lilyjohn]

I think I need to write here now. One reason is because I have somethings to share with you. The other is to keep me busy so I don't think about what I want and can't have

Four months tomorrow sense my last smoke. That is the good news. Bad news is I still want one everyday and I have gained nearly 25 pounds witch I swore that I wouldn't do. Started following my Weight Watchers points again and lost 4 pounds. Finally got to go see my brother down in Sunnyvale over the weekend. On the way there and back we stopped to eat(I was riding with my nephew) at Jack In The Box so there went my diet. Both times had a burger and a fry. Then they stopped at the wonderfull coffee bar. Theree were so many good things to put in it. I think by the time I finished it had about 10,000 calories and don't you know it is right next to the Jack In The Box so I had another on the way home!!

Yesterday I was really good and stayed right with my diet. Never got hungry. Today I had my nice low fat sandwich on light bread and it left me starving. Then I come here to write a recipe for the book and start talking about food. You guessed it. I want to eat the table or have a smoke but my will power will win out. I'm counting those points and have a lot left so hopefully I can fill up on some good stuff (like salad and fish and rice chips) they really are good.

Strange thing happened on my trip again. I spent Sunday night at my sister in laws. Went to get in the bed and there was a nickle and two shiney pennies. I've been finding them everywhere. Sense Denis collected coins for years I'm pretty sure that is a sign from him. Best part is when I get one from him one from Johnny is not far behind. Wonder if he could still be a little jealous of my ex?

All kidding aside it was good to go home for even just one day and nice to see some of my family there. I was seperated from them for so many years and saw them so rarely. The Bay Area has changed a lot over the years and it really upsets me to see how much of what I remember has been destroyed but one thing is still the same. They have the best weather in the world. It was 30 degrees cooler there than here.

Reading Pat's post about letting Brian's car go has reminded me of something I need to do. I tried once two years ago but I just couldn't do it. I'm hoping that I am stronger now and will be able to do this one thing that has been a real challenge for me. After Johnny died I put my movie camera on my dashboard and drove to all of our favorite places. All along the way I filmed and talked to him reliving all of those memories. I had to do that so I could bring a piece of those places and the memories with me. It was so hard moving from the place we had shared and where I had been so happy with him.

I need to go back and look at those videos. I need to relive those days one more time then let them go. I know there are some things on those films that I would never want his family or mine to see. Much of it is very private between us and a lot of it came from not only my anguish but my anger. If anything should ever happen to me I don't think I would want anyone else to hear those things. Some too are just so private and special between myself and Johnny that I would feel like I was betraying our love if anyone else heard those memories. So I need to watch them then destroy them or hopefully find someway to put them on another film without the sound.

Any way those are just a few of the things that are going through my mind. Just one last thing and then I am off of here for a while. I feel like I have two special guys looking after me. If something upsets me and I say something about it it stops. Like the light that blinks and sometimes it frightens me because I am so afraid of fire. If it blinks once I just say "oh you are here Johnny" and it will quit. If it blinks more I show fright and it stops. When the dial on my washer didn't work I was really upset. I said "come on fix this thing I have to have my washer" and the next time I tried it it worked. Before that it wouldn't turn. It just kept slipping. That was a week ago and I've used it twice with no more trouble

Oh well enough of my nonsense. Just thought I would share some of these things with all of you here. Just a little of the things that come when you are alone all of the time.