Haunted by certain things.

[DebsSky]

Hi All:

My Mom's memorial was on Thursday and the realization hasn't really set in yet.

I am haunted by a few things and I was wanting to know if they are normal. My Mom in her last hour of life struggled to breath and it seemed like she was really congested. It was horrible to watch. I have been wanting to blame someone.....anyone , the doctors, the drugs (she was on dilaudid at the end), but I just can't make sense of it all.

Can anyone offer advice?

Thanks all,

Love and prayers for you,

Deb

[jorja]

Hi Deb,

I think it is normal. I was also haunted with my dad's last hospital stay...him gasping for air and completely out of it. It has been 3 months since my dad died and I guess lately it is not as bad. I don't think about as much and when I do it doesn't bother me as much as it did. The first month was really bad. It is good to talk to someone about it, just share your feelings and let it out. It will get better with time...

love,

jorja

[RandyW]

Things to remember and It is only my thoughts so.

Coulda Shoulda woulda will pass after a while you replay scenarios and try to figure outwhat went wrong. Doctors may have God Complexs but only God is a Doctor. I was not with My wife 7 months ago when she passed. I was told at 3 am what happened over the phone. my mind ran a million miles an hour for 3 days straight and then pretty much stopped thinking and dwelling on that event after she was laid to rest. The pain gets a little duller butnever ceases to exist. The memories good and bad are all we have but no one can ever take those from us ever!!!Things changed for me after I wrote several lenghty posts here in general about everything that happened. I felt better when I got busy here as Moderator for group and Back to work. I say a prayer for everyone here every night before I go to bed and Say ggodnight to mmy wife above and My guardian Angel.I pray there is a little Tidbit here that will help somehow but not sure. Sending a prayer for you.

[Treebywater]

Deb--Given the right (wrong) kind of day or night... I am *still* haunted by things that happened with my Mom. She didn't look at all peaceful until the moment she passed... she too struggled for breath... it was so hard to preserve her dignity.... I still have many questions about the meds and her quick decline... So many things to haunt me.

So I guess that means it's normal. And I wish I somehow had words to help you not be haunted. But what I can offer is this: We heal. I still speak of my grief in terms of 'the big gaping hole that I'm learning to walk around with' but I spend less time feeling haunted.

Be gentle with yourself right now. Don't judge your feelings.... Just... know that the intensity of all of them come as a direct result of the incredible love that you HAVE for the incredible woman that was your Mother.

[DebsSky]

Thanks everyone, it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in all this.

Thanks for sharing all of you,

Deb

[Linda661]

What you are describing is a normal part of the process of the body shutting down. I witnessed this with my dad and had the same observations and concerns -- it's not unique to LC either -- boy did I let the hospice nurse have a good and immediate tongue lashing when I saw what you described with my dad! But she took me aside and explained it all to me so that I knew it was normal. While it doesn't look all that comfortable, I was assured that the person feels no discomfort and is not really aware of it.

I hope this helps put your mind at ease somehow.

Linda

[Eni123]

Deb,

My mother just passed Friday and like you the reality hasn't set in. I saw my grandma pass several years ago and heard the fluid in the lungs when she was breathing. However when this started happening to my mom I couldn't handle it. I know it's a normal part and my dad said not to worry that she isn't in pain, but I had to leave. I wasn't with her when she passed, but I felt like she had been gone for days. She was undergoing hospice care so they couldn't "fix" this, but I'm told it's how the body goes.

It's strange becuase during the wake and funeral I cried sometimes, but it doesn't feel real. I was making tea this morning and I was using a mug that we bought together maybe a month ago. It hurts me so badly for a few seconds and then I'm numb again.

This is just all so strange. I hope you are still trying to hang in there. You are in my thoughts.

[Anais]

I think it's normal to be haunted by images of palliative care. I had images of the ''pre-agonizing'' phase (vitreous eyes, semi-coma, slowing of respiration) for about 10 months...

[DebsSky]

Boy Eni123, I think we are in the same realm. I feel like it has been so long ago that I have had my Mom with me. I felt like she was gone before she actually was too. I can't remember much of her memorial or her burial. It's so strange, like I am in a dream and will wake up. I know it's a part of grieving, but when I come back to reality, boy is it gonna hurt and I am scared of it.

I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there too.

And guys, thanks for all your responses. It is good to know that things were not outta the "norm" even though they really suck!

Deb