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falling apart - mother dying, sibs not making life easier


Guest kathleen

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Guest kathleen

My Mom is slipping away. She has days now and only sleeps. My friends are so much support but my siblings are almost unbearable. They are blaming me "kindly" for Mom having radiation - like it was my decision. They forget there were four specialists that recommended radiation asap to prevent progression of her disease and to keep her from being in pain.

Now I hear "you made the decision you thought you needed to, and it just didn't turn out that well. Maybe it works better for other people. You did what you thougth YOU had to do". I could just cry. My father, mother and I made the decision at the recommendation of four highly thought of professionals! Mom was never the same after that and now I am to blame (indirectly of course).

I am also to blame for my sister's huge exaggerations and misinterpretations. I have been emailing updates on Mom to all family members so that each and everyone gets the exact same information. Now I am criticized because I should have done three way calling instead so that emails were not misinterpreted. But hind sight is 20/20 don't you know - I am told. My sister is a huge drama queen and alters the truth to make things worse as if they weren't bad enough.

I have spent the last year doing anything and everything to keep my Mom alive and comfortable. I would move heaven and earth for that woman.

Honest to goodness, I have had it up to HERE with them all! Dad says its funny how those who are so far away have so much advice to share! But where have they been? Ain't it the truth.

Very sad. Mother is slipping away and I am heartbroken, not to mention I don't do anything right. I would cut off my own arm to save my Mother. They wanted to put her away. Thanks to Dad and I she will pass peacefully at home with us.

I am just sick to think they will be here soon - which of course I want them to see their Mom, but I am sad at the thought of spending my last minutes with her in their company. Isn't that a terrible way to feel?

I just got married to the love of my life and at my shower of nearly 40 GOOD friends, my sister in law remarks that she hopes I can keep this husband. My one and only other husband was an immature fool who brought his girlfriend to our 300+ catholic wedding Enough said about that I believe.

This is the crap I am dealing with while my very best friend and beloved Mother is dying.

Thanks for listening. I don't think there are answers, I just needed to say this stuff.

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Kathleen, WOOOOO... step back, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Try to relax... You don't need this added pressure.

I wouldn't even waste my time thinking about them. The only person who matters is your mom and dad and your dad knows who is right and who is wrong in this situation.

You deal with your siblings as best you can until your mom passes then if you want tell them what you think. Who cares if they talk to you or not.

This was not your decision to make it was your mom and dads and yours. Not to say all the experts she went to. That was her wish...period.

I hate back seat drivers...

I am so sorry you are going through all this bull-sh-t at this time. Your moms condition has to be such a heavy burden on you as your heart is breaking for her and your dad.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, but they will in the long run.

Bless you for being such a wonderful daughter and being there when the both need you the most.

We are always here for you 24/7. You can vent all you want, we do not judge, we just listen and give advise if needed. I think you need some here.

Follow your heart, it is in the right place.

Prayers sent to your mom to be pain free and comfortable.

Maryanne

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Do what I do tp deal with stress and it is not real expensive. THROW EGGS, Yell and scream. It may help if you do not have time towrite but never apologize for venting here. We have big dry shoulders!!!!!!!!!! :shock:

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Ok chick I have ridden on that exact same bus. Whats ironic is my sister, who must be a clone of your sister, is named Kathleen. Wow what a twist of fate.

My sister, to this day, says moms death was harder on her than on me because she lived physicially closer to her. I did move away after I got married for 12 years. I moved home 7 months before mom's dx and I moved into her house to take constant care of her after her dx until she passed. I left my job on a family leave and emptied my savings to pay her co-pays and help my dad with bills without moms income. Then I bought mom's house and paid the mortgage so dad could keep living there without having to pay the bills. I was his constant companion until his death 9 months after moms from LC as well.

BUT my sister still to this day my sister acts as if she is the more wounded and more devestated. She never once helped my father during his illness. not one load of laundry, not once holding his head while he vomited from chemo. Not once cleaning out her wallet to pay for meds, not once cooking a meal, not once listening to his heart tear out over my moms death. BUT OH at his funeral she sat in the first chair and put on a waterworks show of unbelieveable proportions. I know she was acting and I have peace because I know I did everything I could do and did do.

If my sister is not the center of attention then all around her will suffer the consequences.

Believe me I know what being kicked by family means, I truly understand what your feeling. But let me leave you with one piece of advice....forget them...You will live with your decisions and have peace in your life. You will know that even after your mom passes over to her next stage of life that you did absolutely everything you could do and your mom wanted those exact same choices. You wont ever have any regrets or what if's running around in your head. Its your siblings who will have them and doubts in their own heads. Hold your head high, your a fantastic daughter and your mom knows it.

have peace my friend....shelly

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((((kathleen))))))

I'm so sorry time is so short for your Mom, and so sorry that your siblings are pulling this b.s. Don't ever forget that you HAVE done an amazing job of caring for your mother, advocating for her, helping and supporting your Dad. Your sister knows nothing.

Praying for you all as you go thorugh this.

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Kathleen,

I could write paragraphs to you, telling you to ignore the siblings, and that what they say doesn't matter, but it's not true. What they say matters to YOU and hurts YOU. These are the people you are supposed to be closer to than anyone in the world, people who grew up with you and went through "things" with you in a unit called a "family". This situation is so non-Cleaver - where's Wally and the Beaver when you need 'em?

My suggestion would be to talk to your own doctor and ask for a recommendation for a counselor. You need someone to talk to, someone to set your perspective right. You ARE doing the right thing. You made informed decisions with the two people most directly involved, your mother and her husband. You have put your life in a holding pattern to make sure your mother passes to the next world peacefully. You are doing nothing that is wrong that I see.

As for dealing with the siblings, a counselor will help you with that. I believe that they are projecting their guilt onto you. THEY feel guilty and therefore are taking that guilt out on the one target they can find. They wouldn't dare target Mom, and Dad would be a bad choice, too - that leaves you. Talk to your doctor about a medication to take off the "edge", too. You may not need the daily therapy of something like Lexapro or Wellbutrin, maybe just Xanax to take when the world seems overwhelming.

You need someone to affirm your self-worth. So you were married to a weasel - been there, done that. You got through that, too. Bet you didn't get through it in a day, a week or a month... You are right that you will have to deal with these people. Find a way to deal with them that makes it easier on you and your mother. In her presence, NOTHING is wrong. Outside of her currently small world, you don't HAVE to speak to them. Be courteous, but like hell should you kiss anyone's butt!

...and if I need to come and kick some fanny, you just let me know.

Hang in there, you're doing what is best for the important players here - remember that YOU are important, too.

Take care,

Becky

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Kathleen,

I'm so sorry your time is limited with your mother, and that your siblings are not showing you the respect you deserve. I know how painful it must be to go through such a rough time and hope to have family to lean on, but instead be criticized by those closest to you. You know you've done right by your mom and you do not need their justification. I'm sure your mom and dad are very proud of you, and those are the people who really matter.

Hang in there, Karen

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Hi Kathleen, Sounds like your sibs are spoiled like mine and so many others'.

My advice is to take the high road, and turn away from any confrontation. Your Dad is going through

h-ll too and the last thing he needs is the kids to bicker.

Dad knows who's being good and who's causing trouble.

Show him you are above this, and trust me...it will make your Dad, Mom and Hubby proud. :)

Barb

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Kathleen,

I pray that you can find some peace in the next few days. The bottom line is that your mom and dad know the truth, and so do you. You won't have to live with any regrets. You have loved your mom and taken care of her the best way you could. you don't owe anyone else anything.

Ignore the obnoxious ones, and love your mom. That's really all that matters.

:) Kelly

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Boy, everyone has given you some really great advice. I know exactly what you are going through. My Mom is sleeping most of the time now and I know we don't have long with her either.

I can only add that I'm praying for your family and most of all for your Mom on her journey ahead.

Warm Hugs,

Melinda

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Urgh!!!!!!!! Kathleen, I am so, so sorry. Please know you have my prayers and support. God bless you as you are an amazing daughter. Everyone grieves in their own way, and I pray that you are given peace through this journey.

God bless,

Jen

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Kathleen,

If you really stop to think about it, you'll realize it is not worth wasting precious time steaming over right now. I will admit that I am the LAST person who would come to mind when someone speaks of taking the high road, but I am speaking from my own experience and my own mistakes. I can't realistically say it's something you should just let go, but right now, just put it on the back burner.

And basically, the bottom line is that your sibs are trying to take their guilt out on you. My aunt did this to me when my grandparents both died; she wanted to be the hero, martyr, whatever, and when it came down to it, I was the one who was there when my grandma died, I was the one who spent all day and night with her just because she couldn't "deal." And ultimately, she decided not to speak to me for about three years. Now I can tell you that we are like best friends, and since my mom's death, she has told me that she doesn't want me to think she is trying to replace my mom, but she feels as though she owes it to her to watch over me. Funny how things sometimes work out.

It sounds like you have been amazing, supportive and caring for your mom AND dad through this journey, and I think you should be proud. It is sick that we are presented with these situations when these times should be centered around family closeness. When my stepdad died from LC, his grown son came to the hospice house stinking drunk, layed on top of his father's body, making an a$$ out of himself. My mom and I had to leave the room, the smell was so bad. Later, not without lots of soap opera-type drama at the wake and funeral, he along with his two sisters decided to sue my mother. Naturally they lost, and wound up looking like even bigger fools than they had at the beginning.

I wish you strength in the coming days and weeks ahead. No matter what anyone says, you know your mom and dad both support you. Like you said, your dad commented on how funny it is that those who are so far away have their big opinions, but where have they been? What's that saying...opinions are like a$$holes...everyone has one...

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kathleen,

I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with. It's so hearbreaking when siblings or other family members start this sh#t durring the most dificult of times. I have had this experience, and frankly, I'm hard pressed to think of another person in my life who hasn't.

I wonder what position your sister would take if the radiation had cured your Mom? Me thinks she would not be casting too much praise in your direction, in fact - she would probably take credit!

What a strange and horrible thing to cast blame at a person doing all that they can do to keep THEIR Mother comfortable and dignified.

For now you have a full plate - - enjoy your Mom -- take peace in the fact that everything you did and everything you do, you do from the heart for the right reasons.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Warmest regards,

-Rod

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Kathleen

I cannot add anything to the great advice you have gotten here. I am just adding my prayers to the others and letting you know that you and your parents are in my thoughts.

I am so sorry this is such a horrible situation for you all.

Hugs

Chris

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Kathleen,

Who cares what they think. You and your father know everything you did for your mother. You were there for her, not them. If they did not like what was going on they could have spoken up or did something. It is easy to point fingers after the fact.

Just remember the love you have for your mother and no regrets.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your father.

Congratulations on your marriage and God Bless.

Cathy

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Kathleen,

I have a brother and two sisters. I recently got married (3 months ago) and one of my sisters didn't even come to the wedding. She saw my mother once (when she first got sick) and that has been it. She has absolutely no consciene.

My other sister has had little contact with my mother since my parents got divorced. My parents were supposed to have joint custody but the judge thought my 12 year old sister (at the time) could pick who she wanted to stay with. She chose my dad and never saw my mom. My dad turned her against my mom who is the nicest, kindest, sweetest lady you could meet. She was totally devoted to her four children. My sister has come around a little bit but not much.

Then there is my brother. Everyone who meets him thinks he is wonderful. He gives a great first impression. When my mother was in the hospital, he told my mother that he would come over to mow her lawn (in front of the nurses) and then the next day asked my husband to do it.

He told my husband that I needed mental help (because I am so upset over my mother's situation) and that my caring for her was excessive. (I cut my hours way back at work and spend every afternoon and have just started sleeping over most evenings at her house). Imagine saying something like that! I would do anything for my mom.

I have no regrets and know that I did and am doing the right thing for my mom.

Unfortunately, we can't choose our family but can choose our friends and it seems like you have a lot of friends on this site.

- Lynda

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Dad says its funny how those who are so far away have so much advice to share! But where have they been? Ain't it the truth.

I had the same thing happen to me.My stepson was the smartest medical expert in the world. His father must have "professional care givers". I became very angry and that was not good for me or my husband.The dying person wants family to take care of them.

You and your father are your Mother's best supporters,best caregivers. Your siblings have all kind of emotions going on and it is easier to strike out at you. It is ok to have your space also, it is ok to say "I & Dad are doing what needs to get done and I will communicate whatever news I have in the manner that is the most productive for me" Getting into a merry go round with them will not do you any good. It will just make you feel badly. When they come visit and they start the mechanical mouth part just tell them at this time I will not discuss it and there will be plenty of time in the future to have a mature discussion.

Please don't get caught up in their anger and whatever..... give your energy to your Mother.

Hold her, love her, comb her hair, laugh with her, ask for her young stories, ask her about her fears and joys, tell her what makes her a mother in your eyes,

May this journey you are on be as peaceful as possible.

Adela

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Kathleen,

Sorry you are going through your pain and that the family is adding to it. I think sometimes people want to assuage their guilt or sorrow by finding blame elsewhere.

Hang in there for you Mother and Father. Remember and cherish the good times.

Mary

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I'm so sorry to read everything going on in your day ... it's horrible for one person to hear all these things. As you know "vocal people" are the first people to point the finger and the last to lend a truely helping hand. They are exactly that ... talkers! I honestly don't know how you haven't blown and blurted all their faults to them ... you are better than I ... for sure!

On the part of your sisters comments about the decision YOU made .... I detect a poor choice of words. The phrase I think she is blending with her thoughts is "you win some, you loose some", not realizing she has dug the whole for her words to be taken personally. Your wounded, heartbroken and extremely touchy with everything going on. Apparently your your own worst cridic as well ... your the one getting your hands dirty for no other reason than your mothers comfort and your own feeling of making this right when it's really all wrong ... that is to be valued and proud of. Don't add to the pressures of everything by worring about the family. If they wanted to know more ... they would've called to confirm or ask questions they felt weren't answered in the email, gotten in the car to attend the appointment etc, etc, etc. Your not their babysitter! If your sister is the only person complaining about the content and information provided in the email ..... look who's reading it?????

She is treating you as she would herself .... take notes and you'll better learn how to make this all stop by her own example.

Hang on, when this time is done you'll look back and be pleased with everything you've done! It's too fresh right now .... there is no soft spot to sit and reflect ..... but it will come.

Cheering you on,

Tammy

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Ahhhh Kathleen,

It is hard when the person that takes on the responsibility of day to day care for a family member is criticized, however thinly veiled. I feel heartsick over the fact that not only are you losing your Mom and best friend but feel guilty and depressed over your siblings comments and feelings. I have read some of the other responses from the wonderful people here on the message board and my thoughts are along the same vein. Don't waste your time feeling guilty or angry at these insensitive people. Make every last moment with your Mom count. Take a walk and remember all the many great memories from your shared past and be comforted by the fact that not only do you have your biological family to support you (well some of them anyway) that you have us, who send prayers to guide you and give you strength through this difficult time.

Be Well Friend

Char

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Kathleen, I am sick reading this. Excuse me for saying this, but just because you were the one with enough balls to sit with your parents, face the facts, and help make decisions, does NOT make you responsible for the outcome. If you can find any release for this stress, please use it, as it won't go away. The lack of sibling support is horrible, and I hope everyone comes around, but in the meantime you just keep "doing what you need to do"...put your efforts into your mom and hang in there!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Kathleen,

You did the right thing. It sounds like you supported your mother's decision based on well founded advice. I think that you did the right thing by sending everyone the same email instead of calling people on the phone. It is easier to send the same message to so many people and spend your time with your mother instead of talking on the phone.

When you father said that it is funny how those are so far away have so much advice to share it is so true.

My mother in law was just diagnosed and the entire family is in an uproar over the situation. She knew that she was sick for a long time and did not see a dr or say anything unil she was too weak to get up one day. Her wish was to not have any sort of treatment.

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