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September 6, 2005


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My Dad passed away almost one year ago from this terrible disease. I can't seem to forget about the year before he passed...it was so horrible. Time doesn't seem to heal anything. This all still feels like a nightmare. I cannot believe I will never see my Dad again. I miss him so much. I am angry that nothing helped my Dad(so much chemo, radiation, meds....) Why???? I feel a bit ashamed in writing this....but there are MANY times when I hear how well people are doing with treatments and I kind of get upset because I want my Dad back and why didn't any treatments help my Dad? A man who was having chemo and radiation along with my Dad last year is doing so well. We use to see him every day and talk to him in the waiting area at the hospital. He also had lung cancer and he is doing well(I know LC is not all the same). I know I shouldn't be this way, I know it is awful(I wish no one ever had cancer). Why did God not help my Dad? Is there a Heaven, why isn't my Dad giving me signs so that I know he is ok? Its not like I am not functioning or I never smile, I do. I just miss my Dad.

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Oh Honey I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time. I know how much that ache and those questions can hurt. Been there, done that.

I don't know all of the answers to your questions but I do know what I have come to believe after a lot of anger, heartache and soul searching. I'll share that with you and hope that it helps in some way. I know the ache of missing him will never really go away. Even the feeling that it is not real seems to stay for a very long time. So far nearly 4 years for me.

I still often ask that question. Why are these people still alive and fighting and my Johnny gone without a chance to fight? I even ask it about the people on this board that I have grown to love like family. I feel ashamed afterwards but I really believe that is quite normal. Who wouldn't feel a little envy seeing someone with the same disease still alive for so long while our loved one is gone?

I don't think God allows someone to die as a punishment but takes them home to Heaven as a reward when their lifes work is done. We stay behind because we still have something to do, more lives to touch. Can you even begin to imagine the freedom one finds in Paradise? No more pain either emotional or physical, no struggle to survive, no more lost loved ones to mourn because you have them all right with you. No longer to be seperated by the miles or the years but to spend eternity with all we love those who have gone before us and those still here waiting for our turn.

As for the signs I want to try to answer that question well. I have read much on the subject and if you have followed my post topics you know that I have had many of those signs. I suspect the reason was partly because I was the last person in the world who would have believed had it not happened to me. Also because I had been divorced and move 2500 miles away from my family not long before Johnny and I got together again. His care was my life. When he died I was totaly alone. I had no one near to share my pain or let me cry on their shoulder. The bond between Johnny and I was so strong he saw my need and came to my rescue just as I had gone to his.

Two of the books that I have read on this subject were written by a Dr. Louis LaGrand. He is not only an author but grief councilor. He says that we get the signs when we need them the most and we are not always the best judge of that. He also says that until we are ready to do our grief work that we often won't get those signs. Probably because our loved ones know that as great as it is for us to get them they can not take the place of what we had when they were with us physically and they know that if we depend on them too much we will not do the work that is needed to get through the hardest days of our grief.

So I tell you don't be ashamed of feeling that envy and don't blame yourself for being so angry. Those are things we all have to deal with. Love your dad and grieve for your loss but not for him. He can be with his loved ones anytime he wants to and often they don't even know it. I'll be praying that in time your heart will be less raw and I ask that you continue posting her to let us know how you are progressing. Lillian

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It has been a little over a year since mom died. I still have times when my feelings feel very raw and I miss her so much. My anger initially came out when i felt that some of her care wasn't so good. For example, having to wait too long to get a simple laxative. Mom had several procedures but no tx. She didn't want it. The only consolation I hang onto is that she was "ready" to go and told us so. I hold on to that even now. I know it's very hard to think of things in terms of being ready but do you think your dad was ready to go, too? Eventually your thoughts will start to shift more to how your dad was and the things he did when he was not sick and not the time during his illness and tx. I had images of mom when she was ill that I had a heck of a time getting out of my head but it gets a little better so that I don't think about them as much. They do come into my head from time to time, I won't lie but nothing like before. Read the book FINAL GIFTS. It helped me alot. Take care.

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