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Didn't think I'd be here....long rant...


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I never thought I would be posting in the

"Grieving". I guess I knew it would happen someday, but now? It's so strange. My mother passed early Friday and it has and hasn't hit me. I got really upset when I saw her at the wake because she hasn't looked that well in a long time. It hurt at the funeral to hear the choir without her voice.

I have spent almost every Tuesday and Thursday with her for almost a year. Whether it be lunch, movies, chemo, radiation, check ups, malls, book stores, anything to get her out of the house. At times it was SO emotionally and phsycially draining that I didn't think I could continue. the back and forth between my work, my apartment, her house, the dr's. At times I didn't have the best attitude. I would get sooo mad at that stupid wheelchair! It was so heavy and hard to get out of the trunk and then set up! I hope she didn;t feel like she was a burden.

She was really sick towards the end and I think the brain mets were back. It almost seems like seeing her like this made it easier to let go before it really happened.

Waking up to make tea reminds me of her, I kept her sweater because it still smells like her! I can't even cry about it or think about it too long. My mind just won't let me. She has been my rock since day 1. I have always deperately needed her. One hug or one "i love you" was all I needed to make everything right. In the past 2 years since I moved out we got to know each other on a different level. Two adults. Then when she became sick I had to take care of her. Towards the end it was like she couldn't console me anymore because there was so much sickness. She never gave up for my sake, but it was so hard. Now when I wake up she is gone. I wanted to send her a text message on my phone today. I want to call her and see her. I guess I can still talk to her. The bond between us was so incredibly strong and no one could ever replace it. I know she is at peace now, but it still doesn't feel real.

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Oh Hon I'm so sorry for your pain. What you are thinking and feeling are quite normal. Those are things we all go through when we lose someone we love. That feeling that it is not real stayed with me for nearly a year. At times now nearly 4 years later I look at a picture of my Johnny and it still feels like a nightmare that I will awaken from.

When my mom died I felt a lot of relief and a lot of guilt for feeling that relief. She looked so bad the last few weeks of her life but in her casket she looked like her old self. That really helped me handle her death or at least get through her funeral. I lived so far away I never really came to terms with her death until my Johnny died then it seemed like they all caught up with me and I grieved for my parents 3 brothers and his sister along with grieving for him.

It is all so new to you right now. You are still in shock. I say that knowing that you were expecting her death. That doesn't matter it is still a shock to your heart and mind. Take each day as it comes. What ever feelings come to you go with them. If you are angry let it out don't hold back. If you want to cry cry as hard and for as long as you need to.

There is no right way to grieve. There is only your way and my way and any one elses way. They are all the right way and they all take from us and give to us what we need to survive a terrible loss that leaves such a hole in our lives.

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