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Weird...(sigh)


KatieB

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I've been so incredibly busy this year...many things, too many to list, pulling me in a hundred different directions. SO, like most of the days of the past 3 years, I work until I am too tired to grieve.....yes, I am the queen of denial and I like it that way. I don't have to deal with my grief 99% of the time, I just ignore it and stay too busy to acknowledge it...hey, it works for me. :roll: MOst of the time....(sigh) then the dam that holds everything together cracks...crumbles...and breaks a bit....

It's Monday night, and as I am finishing some work, I jump on here, flip back 3 years ago and read all the things I was doing right now at this date, three years ago. Why? It's weird. I don't know why I did that.

I am sitting here in tears, so much so it is hard to type...and I just don't understand it. I read all those posts, my emotions were so raw and I was in such pain and reminded of all the replies from my dear friends who have since passed away....SO many beautiful souls who touched my life profoundly....

Yes, I have those few days, after almost 3 years, that hit harder, tear at my heart, and leave me sad and missing my dad. (Like anniversaries, birthdays, a special place that triggers memories, photos, etc...) I think that is normal...but I think I am more sad right this minute than I was a year or two ago....it's weird...

Maybe because so much has happened just recently and he isn't here to see....

I feel alittle lost...maybe because I just moved from the house he had visited often, maybe because I'm in this weird city and new house and new job responsibilities and everything is just DIFFERENT....maybe because my brother is doing yet another round of chemo and he looks very much like dad did- so incredibly frail and sick...and I'm afraid he might not make it thru this time... maybe those feelings for my brother brought back the feelings I remember feeling for my dad...??

I don't know. All I know is that I am living in this forum for a few days. I can't seem to get the last week of my dad's life out of my head today. And I totally can't believe he will have been gone 3 whole years on Sept. 6.

Sometimes it feels like I haven't seen, spoken or hugged him in decades...and other times I can still feel his hand on my cheek like it was yesterday.

Thanks for letting me vent, friends.

I just miss him.

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And now I'm crying with you, Katie...

I kicked into denial mode right with you again... and like you did tonight, I find that I 'trip' every now and again and the pain is just so sharp.

I so wish you could be snuggled into a great big daddy bear hug tonight.... and so wish that I could find myself in my Mom's arms too.

So I'll just get out my tissues and cry too. For your Dad, for you... for what your brother is going through. And for my Mom, and for me....

love,

Val

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I know all about those total melt downs. As you can see by my latest post I am going back as well and like you I seem stuck in that time and the memories that go with it both good and bad.

It is the aniversary more than likely. It doesn't matter that it has been 3 years. I found myself doing the same thing on the third aniversary of Johnny's death and I'm sure come December I will find myself there again. In fact December will be a double whamy because I plan on making a trip to Louisiana to spend Christmas with my family. I know it will hit me then that Denis is really gone too.

So Katie all I can say is we can live our everyday lives and keep as busy as possible but those times will keep coming long after we think we have made so much progress. I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday. That is a day that is branded in my memory too. A trip to the ER for a reaction to Carboplatin but I know for you it will be much worse. I'll be praying that you make it without too much heartache. Lillian

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Oh Katie, I remember those feeling so well. For years after my mother died I would have periodic meltdowns, something would trigger a memory and I'd disolve into tears.

Be kind to yourself, it's early days yet but it will get easier. Over the years I found that the good memories took the place of the pain and aniversaries are much easier.

Take care

Geri

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Ah Katie,

Yes, time does make it a bit easier. It is over 23 years since I lost my own dear Dad, and ya know what???? There are times I look at his picture sitting there and for no apparent reason I am filled up with tears. It is a Dad thing for sure, huh? You know all the advice that could be given.................be kind to yourself, etc., etc. Does it help knowing that so many of us are sailing in that same boat with you? Hope the memories that make you smile outnumber the ones that make you weep.

Love,

Kasey

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Katie,

I understand how you feel. It's tough when these anniversaries come around. My sister's been gone for 17 years and I still get sad around her birthday, the day she died, or any other day that I'm thinking of her for any old reason.... :cry:

It's also harder to move on to other things, like a new house, job, etc., when the 'old' stuff was what they knew about you, and they came to see you there, heard you talk about that job, and all that. I think we feel like we're actively disconnecting with them, which of course is not the case at all, it's just living life

I think also as I get older, I am uncomfortable with change, even change that is good.

Take care and I hope you start feeling better soon,

Cindy

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Oh, Katie!

Sweet, sweet Katie...just wish I could give you a hug and what you are feeling is not weird at all. I so identify with *denial* My dad has been gone six yrs this coming January and at times, it feels like six days and other times..a freakin' lifetime.

This board and everyone *here* is like family and the concern and caring we feel for one another is heart tugging. I don't ever want to lose someone again to this ugly disease, whether it be a family member in my *real life* or here in my cyber life.

Just know, we are here for YOU! You have lifted my spirits so very many times, Katie.

Lots of prayers for your brother and I am sorry you heart is hurting.

Love, Libby

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Katie,I think it is probably pretty natural to feel this way on occasion.Without all the love you and your dad had for each other this wouldn't happen.

I wish I could do or say something to lighten your sorrow and tears.Hopefully as you remember all those times the really good memories will overtake the bad ones and that energy and beautiful smile will replace the tears.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts for a better day tomorrow.

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Thank you all so much.

(((hugs)))

Cindy,

Your words described to a tee exactly what I've been feeling for weeks.

when the 'old' stuff was what they knew about you, and they came to see you there, heard you talk about that job, and all that. I think we feel like we're actively disconnecting with them, which of course is not the case at all, it's just living life

Add that to the fact my brother isn't doing well...and the dam breaks in all directions.

Thank you all for being here for me.

I am sure I will be better in a couple of days.

Hugs to each of you.

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Dearest Katie,

Me, too. The dams are breaking all around. I so much get it. I so much understand. I hate it that you lost your dad.

Lately, anything and everything brings the tears. I miss all my family members, but especially my dad and Don. My boss asked me how things were going with Mike the other day and I just lost it. Poor guy! I told him I needed Don here so much, even my dad, any of those strong arms to hold me up. Lucky for my brother that he lives in California because if he were here I would never let go of him.

Does your brother live close to you? I will pray for him, but mostly for you.

Love,

Peggy

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My brother is in NYC. Things were so bad during this round of chemo, my mom flew up to be with him last week and is still there.

I am hoping for better days ahead for all of us.

Hugs,

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Dear Katie,

First I am sending you a big hug. Second, I know exactly what you mean. There are days that I feel "fine" and then there are days that it hits me like a ton of bricks...like I am losing my mom all over again. I get sad for all that she is missing (never getting to see my second daughter). I was going through some things the other day and came across the poncho she was knitting for my oldest daughter a month before she passed away. It sits still unfinished and I just cried and cried as it brought back all the memories.

She reaches out to me in my dreams, and I know this is her way of comforting me. I miss her so much. My husband and I were just talking that we will never be that same.

My heart goes out to you, Katie. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Your dad is beaming down on you with pride. Thank you for all you do for us and continue to do. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your brother. Take time for yourself.

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Katie,

I am so sorry your brother is having a hard time, you and your family have been through so much..After tomorrow You will feel a little better, those anniversaries are so hard..Its hard to forget what they went through..Wish I had the magic words for you to make it all go away..

(((HUGS))))

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Hugs to you, Katie. Kinda there with you, girl - Sept. 1 was three years since my husband died, and I think it was harder this year than I remember it being last year. And I also am in the midst of lots of household projects that prompt purging of "old" stuff. Just knowing that Chuck wouldn't want me to hang onto anything that I'm not using and that doesn't fit with the renovations, doesn't make it easier to part with. But I'm in one of those female "if you don't really like it or use it, get rid of it" phases.

Although the newness and cleanness of rooms I'm redoing lifts my spirits, there is also a sadness that so much of my husband and son have been erased from the house. I'm sure that feeling is even stronger for you in changing houses and jobs. There's that little quirky inside the head voice that says "he wouldn't even recognize my surroundings now".

My mother's death on May 1, of course, adds to the sorrow, also.

And oh, boy, reading back through the old posts - guaranteed heartbreaker - but sometimes we can't help it. In clearing out the room I use as a home office, I came across the leather zippered funeral home envelopes with the guest book, cards, etc. for both my husband and son. Quick as I could, I shoved the two envelopes together, zipped it up, and literally threw it into the top of the closet. I knew if I took even one peek in there, I'd be gone for days. And I have to finish painting this room before the furniture is delivered. :lol:

I do so hope for the best for your brother, Katie. I know you said earlier that he didn't want anybody to advocate for him and that must be hard for you, but I'm glad your mom has been able to go and be with him. Prayers for all of you.

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Sending warm hugs your way, Katie. I SO get what you mean...sometimes you just want a big Daddy hug. I have my Dad's Harley bells hanging on my wall. When I really feel like I need him, I give 'em a ring. Seems like I've been ringing them almost non-stop since last June....It's been 10 years, and I still miss him so!

I'm praying for peace for you, and healing for your brother.

Your Daddy must be SO proud of the caring lady you are! Thanks for ALL you do!

(((((((Katie)))))))

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