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Does it ever get any easier?


emmaleah

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It was three weeks ago Thursday that my father lost his fight to this dreaded disease. I am going through all the motions of what my life was before, but I feel as though I am in a large fog and can't find my way out.

Once in a while I think that things are getting a little easier, and the next thing I know i break down. I am 31 years old, and all I want is to feel my dad hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I call to check on my mom and dread it because he answered the phone everytime I called since he was sick. I walk into her house and still expect to see him sitting on the couch. I'm shocked everytime, and it hurts all over again. I keep thinking that I will never see him again, never be able to look into his beautiful blue eyes. Though my little girl, Papaw's girl, has his eyes. The funny thing is....everytime I get very upset or stressed...I hear a song that I taped for dad's memorial service, and it makes me feel better. I feel like dad is sending me some kind of sign that he is ok and that he is watching out for us. When I hear one of these songs i Just stop everything and listen....it feels like he is with me. I know I will always be devastated by losing my father, but I hope that someday it will get easier to wake up in the morning and face each day.

Father dx with NCSLC in 12/02

Radiation began 1/03

Chemo began 2/03

Hospitalized w/ Pneumonia on 8/9/03

Left us 8/21/03

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I am feeling this same way too. I was with my dad every single free second I had. I was constantly searching the internet late at night for more treatment options or medicenes that would help him...I was always helping him get ready for chemo, radiation and other treatments....I was the one to send all the uplifting cards, plan our outtings and keep my parents staying positive. Now I feel like I am empty and I walk around because I no longer have any of this to do.

I know it is supposed to get better--everyone keeps telling me this---but I just don't know when or how. My own family, my husband and son--need me. So I have to move thru my day and do the things that have to be done. My mom needs me now too--so I do what I have to do.

You will live for your daughter, your family, and for the memory of your special dad because that is what our dad's would have wanted. Somehow, when we are not even aware of it...life happens...days pass...and the memories of our fathers will begin to lift us up.

I have no special words as I am in such pain too. But You are not alone. Remember that. Even when you ARE completely by your self, you are not alone...your dad is by your side.

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The saying TIME HEALS ALL is true. It just takes a lot of time......What I miss the most is the Christmas gatherings at mom and dad's house...being 67 one would think I had gotten over that....but they are good memories of Christmas and I do miss them..

Both of you, give it time and the hurting will heal and only good memories will remain.

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I know, just when you think you may be ok something happens and the reality sets in. The sobbing starts, the why my dad. Then things are said like at least your dad was able to enjoy retirement. I think what they wanted to say is at least he was 71 and not 51. What I want to say is but he was my dad my sweet precious dad who thought of everyone before himself. So we wear the" I am ok mask" to people that dont matter, and confide in friends who really care or know what it feels like to lose someone to such a dreadful disease. Someone on the boards told me that we never get over it just learn how to incorporate the loss into our lives. So I guess thats what we need to try and do. Prayers seem to help with strength, because sometimes I feel strong, so its coming from somewhere.

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well I may as well join this post cause I don't seem to fit in anywhere else anymore.

Mom is gone 1 month tomorrow. I still cry. I still ache to talk to her, call her, go see her, go shopping with her. I asked my husband tonight, "why hasn't mom come to me and let me know she is ok" he said she is busy up there with "Mo" (her twin sister who passed 4 years ago) I told him, I dont believe that. I want to know for 100 percent accuracy that my mom is Ok and with her sister and other family members and still looks in on me. I am ok during the day when I go through the motions of work and then when I go to my fathers house to make sure he has eaten and taken his meds and then just stay to talk with him for a few hours so he isn't alone. BUT then when I am in the car i look at her picture that I taped to my dash board and cry all over again. It isn't getting easier, I ache for me mom to come to me in dreams or send me some sign. It isn't coming though. :cry:

WHY DID MY MOM HAVE TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!

why did she up and leave me....... :cry:

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May I join in the conversation. My dad passed almost 6 weeks ago. I still cry at times thinking about how he loved life and his grandchildren. I also ask "WHY"? Yes he lived until he was 77, but his siblings have and are living into their 80's or 90's. He couldn't see me get married. I know he wanted to be there in Japan, but mom was sick also. I heard that he saw the video of my wedding many times while he was at home. My older brother told me. It makes me happy and sad. At least he saw my wife and he got to know her. He did give me a lot of advice on life and he told me a lot about his life and how he grew up. Unfortunately most of my siblings didn't bother to get to know him that good. So, I guess I am lucky about that. I will try my best to be a good man like him. He was the best family man, so in his memory I shall be the same kind of man. It may sound crazy, but I hope to die in this house just like him. I am thinking of buying a plot right next to him. Just thoughts, don't know what will happen in the future. For now, I gotta live for me and my wife and our future.

Yes it is getting easier, but I wonder if I am having false happiness at times. I want to enjoy life, but I don't and will never forget about Dad. I know he wants us to be happy and carry on, so we shall. I visit his grave 3-4 times a week bring flowers that he grew in the garden. I want him to be close to his flowers.

Our Dad's will be with us forever. We shall overcome.

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My heart aches again for my Dad when I read all your posts, knowing what you are experiencing and again yearning to hear his ever-cheerful voice on the phone. Your grief is a lovely tribute to the people whom you cherished so much, even though it hurts like it will never end.

I think it's true that we never get over the loss. We do learn how to live our lives without the person we loved so much. We find ways to fill in the big hole left by their absence, but the hole is still there. Life really never is the same again.

After the family and friends have gone home, after the food donated by our loved ones is eaten, after the flowers are gone and the cards read and re-read, we have to somehow figure out how to live life differently in the presence of the void left behind. And that is the hardest part. It lasts the longest, and no one can do it for you.

My best wishes to all of you on this sorrowful journey. Know that the person you lost is by your side, and will remain there, and will walk even closer to you when most needed. God Bless.

- Teresa

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