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guilt and living a distance from an ill parent -- UPDATE


gail p-m

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I just can't write my story "on line"; just can't. I'm wondering if there is anyone else who has lost a parent to lung cancer who lived a distance away and after the parent "passed" had a major "guilt trip" laid upon them by a sibling who lived close to the ill parent. The major guilt trip would have been due to the fact that I could not be there on anywhere near a regular basis to take Dad to doctor's appts, to check him "in person" when he had medical problems... Can't say more about it now. Would prefer to receive pm's. (Am having a very, very hard time dealing with this).

gail p-m

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I've been thinking about you too.

I just want to say, as the only sibling living "near" my dad when he was sick--- I NEVER held it against my siblings who lived in other states. Heck, I have two brothers that live right here (30 minutes and 1.5 hours away) and they only made it 1-2 times a month to visit my dad on a saturday.

I count it as an honor that I got to be the caregiver and advocate, yes it was so incredibly hard, yes I could have used help, yes it was alot on my shouldres.....BUT boy being so far away, while you don't get to "see" or "do" everyday, --EVERYDAY you get the constant wondering and worrying and not really knowing, and that sick helpless feeling because you want to do something but just can't...that can turn you inside out and crush your heart to bits!! I feel like that now with my brother who lives in NYC.

If someone is trying to put a guilt trip on you now, then their efforts for your dad while he was sick couldn't have been genuine...you do those things from your heart, not out of obligation, and not for thank-yous and brownie points.

You know what lives in your heart and your dad did too.

Hugs,

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The problem is with your sibling, not you. I know that doesn't ease the pain. Whenever there is a critical health issue or death in the family, family members tend to go a little crazy and say and do things they wouldn't otherwise. I hope you can forgive your sibling their shortcomings, drop the guilt and move on. Don

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Yes Gail I've been there but the guilt trip was laid on by myself. There is much more to it then that. I have to go to work shortly but when I get home tonight I'll PM you. I know how hard some of those guilt trips can be and I know too how undeserved they can be in some and well deserved in others who don't have them. Lillian

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I want to thank ALL of you who responded to me on the message board and with PM's . I've been overwhelmed by your joint wisdom and caring. You've given me much food for thought -- as a matter of fact, I printed them out and took the replies with me to my counselling session.

I will be replying to many of you but right now I'm dealing with having to put "down" my 14 year old dog tomorrrow. She is my best friend. When it rains, it pours but I'll get through it.

Again, thank you so much for caring. I so appreciate each and every one of you.

gail p-m

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