Need support from other caregivers

[Guest]

My mother in law is completely bedbound now, she has gone downhill so much in the last 2 weeks we fear that the end is very close. She makes remarks sometimes when she's tired at night like, "i think i'm giving up" My husband and I have put our jobs and lives on hold for now to be with her - we have a hospital bed in the living room and Hospice is coming every day to bath her (thank goodness for Hospice) and check on her. The problems we are encountering right now are 1) lifting her is a big problem, she can't walk at all by herself or stand or even pull herself to a sitting position on the side of the bed - we have to move her and lift her to the wheelchair to get her out of the living room - i can't lift her to the wheelchair by myself - it takes both of us to get her into the chair and on the bedside comode, but if she lies in bed all day, then she doesn't sleep at night and wants us to come downstairs every 2 hours for her to use the bedpan, sometimes she doesn't even go, i think she is just bored and wants company - it's killing us to not get any sleep at night and we can't keep her awake enough so that she is sleeping at night - has anyone had this problem?? The other problem is that she is losing control of her bowels, she doesn't know that she needs to have a BM until we have her standing (both of us lifting her) and then she immediatly realizes that she needs to go and if we don't have the bedside comode right there or can't make it in time, she ends up going on the floor, the carpet, where ever we are - it happens about every 3 days and we hate to put her in diapers, but we also hate cleaning up you know what - how have others handled the subject of Depends/diapers with a loved one? It's so horrible, and we know she doesn't mean to do it, but we also don't know how to broach the subject with her.

Any suggestions are welcome - please reply if you have had any similiar experiences. We are looking for any suggestions, Hospice nurse says to give her sleeping pills and put her in a diaper, but that just sounds so mean and my husband can't bring himself to discuss it with her and i don't feel like it's my place to make her do it.

[ahhappy]

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. My mom isn't quite to the stage you're in right now so I don't have any great advice. But I do want to empathize with having to ask someone to do something that might feel like a loss of dignity to them. And it seems like in your situation it would most likely help with your sleep deprivation to ask her to wear depends at night. And maybe not every night, just occasionally. But how to ask that question. I hope there are others that can offer some advice. Good luck to you.

Amy

[Cindy RN]

I have gone thru some of this so maybe I can give some advice.

1. Go to a nearby club-American Legion, VFW etc and see if they have medical equip. We were able to get a hospital bed for only a deposit. No rental fees. That helped with sitting mom up which helped transfering her to the wheelchair and made her much more comfortable while in bed.

2. As for the diapers. Depends are the answer. NOTHING is more demeaning than to have a BM all over the place! This will probably be a relief for her. Surprisingly it may give her more confidence. Just tell her, "Mom-I know the cancer is giving you problems and maybe this will make you more comfortable."

3. Have your hospice people show you a way to transfer her to and from the bedside comode and wheelchair. Unless she is a large lady (like me ) then usually one can do it.

4. She might like a sleeping pill at night. I know I wouldn't like to lay awake in the dark thinking too much. Ask her-she may like it.

Keep coming back-we do care!

[norme]

I feel your mother-in-law will feel much better with depends then having accidents.

My aunt who I look after is in a nursing home and she is more or less bed bound and she wears depends without thinking twice about it...I would just explain to your mother-in-law that it is much more sanitary for all concerned to use them...

When my dad was in bad shape with lc, i put a reclining chair next to his bed and slept in it so i was there if he needed me during the night. You could possible take turns each night....when he got so that we couldn't life him out of bed we would just change him in bed. They didn't have depends back then so we made our own out of sheets. He was only down for three days before he passed on to the other side....

[lilyjohn]

Hi Shamrock

I see you have people from Hospice so that means that your mother-in-law is getting her things from them. Ask them about a Hoya Lift. I work in an assisted living facility but the skilled area use them all of the time to get people out of bed. I agree that if she is able to sit up for a while she should be gotten up. There are easy ways to do it without breaking yourselves into.

As for the depends that can be a touchy subject. First of all let me say that when they put one on Johnny he hated it. I do believe that women tolerate them much better. Where I work we have a number of people on depends or if they are mobile they were pull ups during the day and depends at night. None of them seem to have a problem with them. In fact some of them are relieved to have them. Most of our people who do wear them are women but some men do too. Most of them however have mental problems so they don't think to object. Just ask her if she wouldn't like to try them just at night time. You might be surprised by her answer!

As far as sleeping at night that is a special subject. A person with lung cancer is usually short of breath. Things look a lot different at night all alone than they do in the day light. She is probably afraid of dying alone during the night. A sleeping pill may work but it does slow down breathing and if she is short of breath all ready that will only add to her fear. She will be afraid that she will sleep so hard that if she stops breathing she won't wake up. Even if she has come to terms with the fact that she is dying it is still a fearful thing to have to deal with.

I hope these suggestions help you in some way. You are in my prayers everynight as is everyone on this planet who has to fight with this terrible disease. There is none worse and the only one that compares is Alzhiemers. Just be thankful that you are not alone in your fight. And remember God is always with you. Lillian

[Guest]

Thanks to everyone who has replied to my questions. I tried to bring up the subject of Depends with her yesterday after she had an accident BM in bed yesterday morning. It really bothered her that she started to go before i could get the bedpan under her, so i tried to suggest that she may be more confident if we had an "undergarment" on her that would "help with that kind of thing" she said "ABSOLUTELY NOT - I am not a baby and I will not be put into a diaper!!" She then calmed down a little and said she was afraid if she got used to wearing one that she would become lazy and just use it instead of the bedpan and she didn't want that to happen. I didn't mention that she has a very large brain met that is causing a lot of confusion and difficulty grasping some concepts, so I'm sure her ability to reason is effected, which makes it even more difficult. We asked the nurse about a Tylenol PM at night to help her sleep and she said to try it, we did last night and she still woke up and tossed an turned for hours - we are going to try to keep her up longer today (I called Hospice today and requested one of those lifts - so maybe that will help) and try again tonight to see if maybe she just slept too much yesterday during the day. If not, maybe we can try two of them tomorrow night. Oh well...again, if anyone has suggestions - please reply.

[Guest DaveG]

A suggestion for the sleepless nights. Try giving her 50 mg (2 tablets) of Benedryl when she is ready for bed. Benedryl can be bought over the counter and is usually used for allergies, but works great also, as a sleeping pill. I take benedryl every night and it certainly helps me sleep.