having a bad day today

[lennonsgirl]

I thought I had really pulled myself up by the bootstraps but today that all fell apart. I think it's a lot of things that came to a head and made me feel overwhelmed. I went to the hospital this morning to see my mom and her oncologist (he was supposed to be back in town from vacation today). My mom says, "He's here today but they said he won't be up to see me." Why?! Then I look at her and she is just soooo exhausted, still has jaundice and barely has the energy to get up to go to the bathroom. That is what really bothers me. I am used to saving my mother. When my dad left us our life fell apart but I was always able to rescue her. As I got out on my own I was able to get her places to live or share my own apartment with her, feed her, clothe her, give encouragement. When she went to jail I bailed her out. When she owed drug dealers money I gave it to her. When she decided to get clean I encouraged her to go to rehab. Just when I thought life might be on her side and she could be the mom I used to know this happens. I can't wrap my brain around it.

I also think because I can't "see" her fight that I feel like she's not fighting as hard as she could be (or the way I feel like she should be) and I get upset with her. I don't show it to her but it eats me up inside. I feel like I'm too hard on her and that I may be making it worse or that I'm just a horrible caregiver. Am I too pushy with the doctors? How come I seem to do all the wrong things for her? How come everything I say seems to go in one ear and out the other with her?

Sometimes I feel like I must be losing it because one minute I feel like "Yeah, we can do this!" Later I may feel like, "Oh, we're never going to make it!" And she's so tired right now that she doesn't talk about anything...she's barely eating.

They still don't know where her fever or the jaundice is coming from but they are also not continuing with her cancer treatments. And that really ticks me off !!!

[melindasue37]

I can just feel the frustration in your post.

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough day.

When I first starting learning about lung cancer I kept hearing the words "roller coaster" and boy that is exactly what it is. There are great days when you are on top of the world and days when you can't help but wonder why me (us).

You are doing everything you can for your Mom. You shouldn't beat yourself up. Just stay strong, vent when you need to and we'll be here for you ok?

I praying that tomorrow will be a better day for you and your Mom.

Warm Hugs,

Melinda

[Don Wood]

You have the normal frustration of a caregiver -- it is not in your power to fix it all. All us caregivers have walked in your shoes. LC is not like the other problems you have encountered -- the disease has a mind of its own. You have to learn patience, along with your assertiveness for her best care. And, you need someone you can talk with, one-on-one, to vent your frustrations. Otherwise, it will eat at you inside. And, of course, coming here and expressing yourself is a good start. Best to you. Don

[Mskim]

Not only are you coming to terms with an entire chaotic past, of you parenting her, you are facing the potential situation of being a motherless daughter just when you thought she was going to take that role in your life. You want her to get up and fight for it, after all you have done to fight for her. In the mean time, your have doctors not doing enough and you feel so out of control. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, I wish there were answers. I remember getting angry at my mom so many times and now I look back and really, I feel bad for ever making her upset when she was down but I don't feel bad for the reasons I was mad. You have to have some sort of outlet so just keep coming in here and writing it all down. We are listening and praying for you and your mom.

[Welthy]

((((HUGS)))) for you! This just has to be an agonizing situation for you to be in. You sound like you have lived your life as the Mother to your Mom. Addiction is the worst monster who sneaks in and steals away your loved one. To have your Mom in recovery and then to have LC threaten to take her away again is unimaginable. Please take care of yourself -- you are doing all you possibly can for your mother. I echo the other's sentiments about being assertive with the Doctors. If your Mother had the fight and was strong enough to get through addiction, she can fight this monster too! Take heart -- you still have time to form lasting memories with her. Take comfort in knowing that, as a recovering addict, your Mom is one of the strongest people around (and so are you for surviving it too)!

Please let us help in any way possible. This is a big load to shoulder. I admire you tremendously for what you have survived already. This comes from my heart as my son still struggles with addiction.

Warmest regards,

Welthy

[Suzie Q]

Wow! What a load you've had to bear! Your frustration is understandable.

I know at times it seems like the medical providers are twiddling thumbs, but it can be very, very hard to pin down the source of a fever. And in the end, they may rule out everything and chalk it up to a virus or to the tumor itself (tumors can do that, I was told). But they cannot continue treatment if she's weakened by fever and jaundice. Her liver will not be able to tolerate it. My dad had both a fever of unknown origin and jaundice. A cause for either was not found, and both resolved on their own. But it was a frustrating process.

Your mom may be clinically depressed. And who wouldn't be? But her seeming inability to fight may have a lot to do with that. Help her focus on how proud of her you are, that she battled addiction and came out on top. She is a warrior! But perhaps an evaluation for depression is in order. Medication (non-addicting) can do wonders.

So glad you feel comfortable sharing and venting with us! This group truly understands what you are going through. And please keep us updated on how both of you are doing.

~Karen

[prairiecrow]

I also think because I can't "see" her fight that I feel like she's not fighting as hard as she could be (or the way I feel like she should be) and I get upset with her. I don't show it to her but it eats me up inside. I feel like I'm too hard on her and that I may be making it worse or that I'm just a horrible caregiver. Am I too pushy with the doctors? How come I seem to do all the wrong things for her? How come everything I say seems to go in one ear and out the other with her?

I hear your frustration clearly because I also have it with my own mom to a certain extent. Is your mother on strong painkillers? The Dilaudid my mom is on has really impacted her ability to think and reason, and to remember anything I (or anyone else) says to her. I'm trying to be patient with her, but yes, it's hard and sometimes I'm left feeling like the "bad guy" because I don't feel the way I think I "should" feel toward her right now.

I don't think you can be too pushy with the doctors, though. You have a right to know what they're doing and why, and to ask as many questions as you feel you need to.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can find it within you to be gentle with yourself in this very difficult time.

Laurie

[carlisle]

You are just frustrated because you have been through a lot of stress and difficulties with her in life. You were always there for her, and under extreme stress, you are cracking up. Sometimes, we never get the answers that we expect to get and when we see all the efforts we have been doing and still do, it just feels like fighting a lost battle and that we might as well raise our hands in surrender and say "Enough, I give up!"

What more to tell you, except that you be strong.