mrmust Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Hi! My name is Jill D. My boyfriend was diagnosed with stage IV NSCLC in Aug. of 05. We met right before his diagnosis and have been together since. Unfortunately, Joe passed away on Aug. 14th. He leaves behind a 12 year old son. Joe was 39. I thought I was prepared for "when the time came" but this was really unexpected. He wasn't feeling well and was admitted for pain control but something went drastically wrong. He was up and walking and in good spirits and less than 8 hours later on a respirator and in 5 more hours, gone. I expected a slow drawn out sickness until the time came. I carry alot of guilt. Guilt for not knowing, for not doing more, for not being more pushy with treatments, the whole gammot! For not being there when he was intubated. Guilt to the point where I am physically sick. And so incredibly tired but not able to sleep. I hope it gets easier. I wasn't really sure how to introduce myself and not sure if this was the right place to talk about this. I would really like to hear from others who have been through this. I have also been reading other posts and boy do I have lots to add but I just can't get to them all right now. I will also be adding an avitar and a picture of Joe to my profile. Well that's all for now. Hope to hear from someone soon. Thanks much! Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raindog Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Hi Jill, welcome, I'm so very sorry for your loss, it must be very difficult for all involved especially Joes son. My heart goes out to you and your family. It's so tragic to lose such a young person to this horrible desease! Please try and let go of any guilt. Nobody knows how to handle these situations. We do the best we can and trust in those who have expertise. Each person affected by this disease is different... there is no hand guide for dealing with these situations perfectly. My guess is you did all that you could by loving and caring for Joe. Sometimes the blessing is not in the cure, but in the teaching and touching of a life lived and shared. Joe was young, but he accomplished love and the creation of a wonderful life to carry on his legacy. Thats a wonderful thing! I pray that you find peace and that time starts to heal you and give you strength. My very best wishes and thoughts to you and your family, -Rod Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Hello Jill and welcome, I am so very sorry to hear about Joe. I can relate to pretty much everything you are saying and feeling. My friend Brad was diagnosed last September and gone by December, 3 months from the dx. I think I am still in shock almost a year later, but I can tell you, the pain does get bearable. Like you, I really thought there would be much more time in one way or another. Please continue to post, let us know how we can help you through this. Know that we are here for you, 24 hours a day and will do whatever we can to ease this sorrow for you. My sincere condolences to you and Joe's son. Hugs Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Jill, I hear every word you said here. this disease is so unpredictable sometimes. do not carry the guilt with you. The coulda, shoulda, woulda's will not help. you did everything you could have done. Only God knows when it is time to go and there is no stopping Him. He holds the master plan for our lives. My wife and I were having Dinner together on Jan 21st. At 3 am on Jan 23rd the hospital called at 3 am and you know they do not give you good news at 3 am. I had gone to ER with her and spent every waking moment there for 2 whole days. How is Joes 12 year olsd son doing with all this? I am not sure how a child can deal with all this being as all I have is My German Shephard. I hope he is ok as ok can be. There are so many reasons for what happened to Joe. the lack of earlt detection, the need for research to find treatments, Many things but nothing can bring back our loved ones. Have you talked to Joe since his passing? this sounds crazy but it worked for me. Go outside some evening when you feel the need, and look up. Joe is right there, just overhead. talk to him, and tell him everything that is on your mind. I do this every night with My Late wife and I think it helps. Ho do you cope with stress and anger? I throw raw eggs. Laugh as you might, I live by the woods. No one behind me. When I get mad, I stop at the store and keep a dozen eggs in the frig. When I get mad, I throw eggs and do a little screaming. IT HELPS!! Sorry thid got so long but you might find something in here to help. Remember, the pain will get duller, but never go away. Also This is a website tht a couple of us use sometimes to use for the frief, Click on to be redirected to the site; http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.php?Cat=0 best wishes, keep us posted, Nice to meet you under the circumstances, Glad you found us and all those nice things we say. this is the most compassionate group of people here, knowledgeable and understanding. We also have a Tuesday nite chat at 8PM Eastern time. glad to have you with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Welcome Jill~ Many here have lost loved ones to lung cancer and can help you get through this. I am glad you found us. Rochelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Welcome, Jill. So sorry for your loss and so young a man. My wife and I had 4 years to prepare, and it is still a shock and hard. Keep in touch with those who can help you on this painful journey. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Jill, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It seems especially hard to accept in someone as young as Joe was. Glad you decided to join us and I hope that sharing your experience with us will help you. We do understand and are here when you need us. Just know that there is no way you could have known how or when your boyfriend would die. This disease is different for each of it's victims. If you spend time here reading profiles you will see that there are no two cases alike. The one thing I can assure you of is that you have no reason to feel guilty over his death. It wasn't in your hands. I hope you can quit blaming yourself and allow yourself to grieve so that you can begin to heal. I lost my husband of 36 years, just 7 months ago and sometimes it seems like it was yesterday, but I am starting to feel some healing taking place. The support and understanding here has helped me very much. I hope we can do the same for you. God Bless, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Hi Jill, welcome. I am sorry for your loss. I hate for anyone to have to deal with this disease, but I especially hate to see the young taken down by it. I hope you and Joe's son find a way to get through this. I hope you can let the guilt go and just grieve. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jendew Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost a very good friend's husband (in his 30's) and my father this year to lung cancer. It's a horrible disease. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for all of us. My mother is dealing with some guilt issues of her own right now. I hope your pain eases soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Jill, Welcome to the boards, although I am sorry you had to come here in the first place. I hope this finds you stronger each day. Grieve girl. You have to. please know we are here for you and we do want to hear your story. Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Hi Jill, So sorry for your loss.... it seems that no one is prepared for this... I understand your Joe went suddenly, but speaking for myself, I watched my Dad go slowly before my eyes and still was in denial. I don't know which is worse. The "guilts" I truly believe are part of the grieving process. The "if only I had's" seem overwhelming at times, but they will subside. I am sure you did your very best to get Joe the care he needed. I hope you still are close to his son, he probably needs you very much right now and I have a feeling you might just need him too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mskim Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Welcome Jill, I am sorry you have a reason to be here. I know what you mean both about guilt and surprise at the sudden turn for the worse. My mom was given 3-6 months just a week or so before she was taken down by pneumonia... I can't figure out for the life of me why we didn't see it coming. Anyway, keep posting, there are lots of people who can help you with their kind understanding, and their loving words. Prayers, Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharonjo Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Jill, I am so very sorry for your loss. Please do not beat yourself up over not being there or not doing enough for Joe. As the others have said no one knows when is the right time or what is the right thing to do. We just do the best that we can and try to live each day to the fullest. In time your pain (and guilt) will ease up and your memories of Joe will bring you comfort. Until that time, keep posting and let us help you get through this. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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