Something I thought About

[Guest DaveG]

This past week, a woman from church passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. She was 45 years old and died of a cerbral hemorage. It set me to thinking, as a Stage IV, how quick death can happen and are we truly ready for when it does.

Yesterday I went and talked, for over 2 hours, with our minister on this subject. One question he asked was: Have I planned my funeral? The answer is no. I am so wrapped up ain trying to beat this cancer, why should I plan something so negative as my funeral. Then it dawned on me, we are vulnerable and are not protected from death. Now I am writing things down, randomly, that I want at my funeral. Why should I leave this to my wife and family? They are going to have enough to deal with besides planning my funeral in a two hour meeting with the funeral director and the minister. If the plan is in place, it just needs to be executed.

None of us like to think about death, God knows we have experienced enough of that with our own group, recently. But death is going to happen. During my last hospital stay I executed a living will so that medical personnel know what do, should certain situations arise.

All these thoughts were triggered by the sudden, and unexpected death, of a 45 year old woman. The are, thoughts, however, that should be discussed openly and put to paper for others to know what to do when the time comes.

[Cindy RN]

I have gone and made plans for my funeral. My hubby would end up spending to much for a coffin-you know the last gift thing people always do. I thought it would be best for him this way. I also have a Living Will that my hubby knows when to pull it out. I still want everything done today and hopefully for many yrs to come. It gives me peace of mind knowing he does not have to make those decisions when the time comes.

[ahhappy]

Your message really struck a chord with me. I'm having a really hard time reconciling the thought of total hope for my mothers survival with the thought of planning for her death. How can I say to her- we're going to beat this- and then turn around and say- how about looking for that burial plot! I'm sure she's thought about it but we've never discussed it. I guess it feels like there's time yet.

But I suppose it's better to be prepared. Even for me! Ok- I better go write my will now

Amy

[norme]

I have thought this over and over in my mind for quite some time for myself. I had a sister died back in 1995 of a massive heart attack, she never dr'd for a heart prob, she never knew she had a problem that I am aware of, also my buddy had and anuerysm of the brain back in 1977 and both of these occurances were big awakenings.

I have been to so many funerals through the years and for some reason, I do not want one....when my time comes, I have told this to Buddy, just either cremate me and bury the remains or bury me in in a coffin in the ground we already have set aside. No layout, no service...to hard.....it tears me apart when I go to one so it has to tear everyone apart and for what. Dead is dead.....the soul is gone immediately and only a body is left for someone to make money out of... I am an unusual bird.....

[Fay]

When my Mom passed away, my Dad, older brother and myself made the arrangements. I'm not sure if my Mom had expressed much to my Dad in the way of plans, other than they both had wishes to be cremated (sp?), already had niches and urns. Since my parents and I attended the same church, I knew where she would want a service, what songs and readings would be appropriate. I wrote her obituary, consulting with my Dad and brother. I made a lot of the phone calls to their friends to notify them of her death. For me, it helped me to be able to contribute. I don't know where I got the strength, I guess it was from the same place that enabled me to get thru the cancer journey with them from beggining to end. My Dad has been thinking along the same lines as Dave and has decided that he willl go to the funeral home in a few months and pre-arrange, so that my brother and I will not have to do anything.

Hugs to all,

faylene

[Guest]

I guess I most relate to Faylene. Daddy didn't "plan" his funeral. But he did express his wishes for a military burial with honors.... after all he did for this country I bet he felt he deserved at least that. We had a church of our own already. The only decisions to be made were the ones that my sweet Rick did. He even did the final inspection and made sure everything was perfect. He put aside his pain for me and the rest of the Family.

He chose the coffin -built the way a grand boat would have been built (Dad loved sailing and boats in general) and the flowers in red and white to match the military ceremony later.

I gave his eulogy and wrote his obituary. WHile he lay in the hospital those last days, I read it to him...only I used the present-tense as if I were giving him a tribute instead of an obituary.....he would move if I cried and I squeezed my had several times.

Several times while doing the arrangements and going thru the funeral...it was so sureal...I kept asking myself " Am I really here?" I'd tell myself..."This isn't happening...."

All in all guys...it is my opinion still that I made the right decision NOT to talk with my dad about the real possibility of his death. He didn't talk about it with mom either....It would just break all of our spirits and we were FIGHTING hard here!

I did discuss with him the need for a power of attorney for medical and financial decisions "in case the treatments knocked him down for a while" and he was all for it. Organized his paperwork and policies, signed a POA and a will tht provided for my mom and HER vice-versa. I never made it seem like it was all about his death...because we wanted to spend every second living.

Just my 2 sad cents.

KatieB

Director of Forum Moderators/Legal Affairs.

In memory of Jessee Dewey, SCLC

September 6, 2003

[Cindy RN]

In 1993 my mom decided she wanted to pick out burial spots! What an ordeal. We went to the township office and looked at what spots were available. She did not want near a tree because the roots grow underground! She had to have it a certain way. I told her I was glad she was doing this because I would not have made her happy! THEN she made me pick spots close by so we would all be close! She always had to have the last word! My mom never gave up. She wanted things done so we didn't have to do them. I think everyone is different. Moms like to make things easy on their kids.

[Ry]

I think this is wonderful Dave. It is so hard to make arrangements right after a death, I remember doing my fathers after he passed away. It would have been so much better to have known what he wanted or do have it all done. My mother is in her 80's and I wish she would at least write down the facts for her obituary. I don't remember what year she retired etc.

A story:

My cousin was diagnosed with cancer. After living with it for several years, it became apparent there was nothing else to be done. She made all of her arrangements down to picking out the funeral cards, wrote her obituary, picked out the bible readings she wanted, etc. I remember she was writing her obituary and she said to my Aunt, "I'm doing my obituary want me to do yours too?' She had a great sense of humor. We even had a birthday party that was actually a living wake with all her friends in attendance. We all told funny stories about her and had a great time. My daughter made her a card that said, "Happy Birthday, we're really gonna miss ya!' I thought it was wonderful that she did that for her children so they could grieve her without all the additional stuff.

[onelunger]

Isn't it strange, the things we do when told we are "terminal"? Taking care of my funeral arrangements was one of the very first things I did when told I had 6-9 months to live. I did however get it on a 36 month easy payment plan, which is nearly paid off now. (ha) Another thing I did was make a "who to call" list, with names, phone numbers, and directions for each to contact someone else on the list so that my husband would only have to make one or two calls when the time came. There are other small things I have done, noting dates, names, etc for the obituary or whatever. Anything to make it easier for my loved ones. I truly believe that death is much harder on those left behind. One other thing I have done is to make a tape to tell them all good bye and how very much I love them all, both friends and family. After this was all done, I got back to living and fighting and enjoying life, knowing I had made things a little easier for my loved ones when the time comes. My best to you and God Bless, Mary