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thoughts on being in the second year


Treebywater

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So... I find that with the one year mark passed my grief emotions are changing.

I thought it would get easier. In fact, for a while I convinced myself it had. That I was "more normal" that I didn't need to dwell on it.

But dwell on it or not, the fact is my Mom isn't here anymore. And it still hurts. And sometimes I think that I am 'getting it' more than ever before.

I'm finding this 'second year' feels so strange. I can't get my mind around the fact that my Mom was been gone THAT long.

And while I can say that the feelings are definitely different, I'd hesitate to call them easier or better.

I guess the intensity is a little less sometimes, but other times it's not. I find myself crying at night missing Mom or stumbling on one more way that this hurts and looking helplessly at Andy and saying, "Why am I doing this now???"

I now know without a doubt that 'getting over it' doesn't happen... and that whatever leveler level of things that can be expected (or maybe is just coveted) can take A LOT of time.

Anyway... Just my thoughts--Does anybody else have any thoughts on the time after that first year of missing your loved one?

Edited to Add: I think today's melancholy was triggered by finding out that the first couch I remember in Mom and Dad's house got sold at a garage sale... See--how pathetic is that???? Well... and also by Dad's new friend answering the phone at his house for the first time.... That was... hard.

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Oh Val,

I do hear you. and you're right. The intensity get's less, but it doesn't go away and even now after all this time for me, it can come in on one giant wave and knock me on my butt. Not too often anymore, but it does happen ever several months.

I had a dream (about dad when he was sick and in pain) last Sunday. Unlike others, I don't have "good" dreams and he doesn't "come to me" in my dreams. I haven't been lucky in that respect I guess. Anyway, it was horrible to remember those things so vividly from when he was so sick. I woke up at midnight and never went back to sleep. I cried for hours.

But I am ok, I really am- or I'm good at faking it! :wink: I do think that things trigger our emotions, and your parents couch and the woman answering the phone who wasn't your mom...may have well been it for you.

I do understand. And I'm sending you a hug.

(((Val)))

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I agree with Treebywater and Katie. My mother passed away almost two years ago. I have less pain (less intensity) and more acceptance of my loss, but I still remember the 20 months with cancer (chemo, palliative care, etc.).

Take care Treebywater,

Anais

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(((((Val))))

Boy, do I hear what you are saying! My dad has been gone six yrs and even though the intense grief has subsided, it almost seems as though I long for him more than ever.

Last night I was packing for a night away and pulled out his *robe* and had to sit down and just go with what I was feeling. No sobbing...just an ache in my heart.

We will forever miss them, Val.

Loving and thinking of you,

Libby

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Val,

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I am just past the one year anniversary of my dad's death (October 4th) and my feelings of grief are still very intense. I think everyone programs you to expect that after that magical one year mark, the pain will subside and you will feel normal again. The truth is we will never be normal again. We have lost someone very dear to us who can never be replaced. In our cases, it was a parent who loved us unconditionally, who was a wonderful grandparent to our children and someone we lost way before we were ready. I don't think that ache will ever go away - we just learn to live with it. I am in a grief recovery group right now and I am learning that it is o.k. to grieve when I need to and to be patient with myself if I regress sometimes. We are entitled to have our grief attacks and bad days as we try to cope with the enormous losses we have all had to deal with. Be patient with yourself and know that we understand....

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Val,

I'm well past the three year mark now. I became a different person the week after my dad passed away....the one that her "grief time" was up and I had to return to work and I had to put on a painfree face because nobody really wanted to see the real emotions....The only acknowledgement of my incredible loss when I returned was one lone card on my chair. Other than that, it was as if everything I had been through in the last year was just erased.

I just stumbled through and tried to go through all the grief stages quietly. As a result, I'm not sure I actaully went through them. I still find I'm angry and I still can get teary if I allow myself to think of my dad for more than two seconds. And let me tell you, I MISS my dad terribly.

The things you post sound very normal for someone that has lost a parents that was very close to them. To me, it sounds like you are going through the process the natural way and as everyone has their own healing track....sounds like you're solidly on yours. The loss of a parent is just not something most of us can live on through easily. It is a profound change of life.

Kris

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Boy ... do I hear you.

About 3 months ago I found that I was having a really tough time missing my dad. Why it hit then I don't know but I find that if I am even a little depressed for some reason or other then my missing him is worse.

Like many people mentioned it is the silliest things that trigger a memory or moment of missing Dad. The two things that most trigger these moments are my children. When they do something or say something that I would normally enjoy sharing with Dad or want him to see that makes me sad. I'm sure he is aware some how but not being able to hear his voice or see his smile is hard.

I can definately relate and wish this hard time lightens up a bit and good memories comfort you.

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I can totally relate. My Dad died 3 years ago. After the year of firsts came the year of seconds and it was much harder for me. I think I missed him MORE and was still not used to the fact he was gone.

I could write a book but I won't bore you...

the thing that finally helped with dad was not a good thing, it was when mom was diagnosed and mourning him took a backburner to concentrating on mom.

Now I mourn them both and it is twice as hard.

((((Val))))

Love Kim

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I have not posted in a very long time but lurk occasionally. Your post caught my eye. I am almost to the end of year 2 and in some ways it has been easier and in some it has been harder.

The triggers are fewer but when triggered the pain is just as bad. I think too my grief is more visible in my irritability rather than more overt sadness. Last year I was sad more. This year I'm more easily irritated by things. Something is not right and not fixable.

I don't have any advice to offer. Just empathy. Hang in there.

Amy

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