Life sucks...AGAIN

[shelliemacs]

I set myself up for this disapointment. I believed, I believed finially that the all mighty or my mom or my dad or my step dad were really in a place called heaven and heard my silent prayers that I said in the dark every night through tears that my sister would be the one person in my family to beat cancer and not die on me.

I believed that my parents bodies were not simply in the ground under 5 feet of rocks and dirt but yet their souls were up in heaven living out wonderful lives and young and beautiful and happy and were able to look down on us and make sure we would be ok cause they were looking out for us down here from heaven.

I believed they could go to GOD and say hey they lost all three of us, cant we give them a pass on any heartache for a while. Like say 25 years.

I begged my mother last week while driving home in my car from work to make it be ok again. to not make my sisters cancer be back or worse or spread. I told her I would never doubt again if she could talk to god and make this happen.

Well it did NOT happen and I know now I was fooling myself all along. People should only be allowed to have so much heartache, pain, suffering and grief thrust upon them. Me and my sister have had our fair share and its someone else's turn. Some mean people, some famous person, some rich person, anyone else but us. Its not fair anymore.

I don't know yet how bad my sister is. A tumor showed up on her chest wall now and we wont know until wednesday if its a met or new cancer or cancer at all. I am a fool for holding onto any sort of hope. Its false and fake and only leaves you with more cracks in an already broken heart.

We only get bad news in this family, never the good kind. so for me to believe even for a minute second that its not gonna be bad is stupid and foolish.

My husband says in the last year I have gotten meaner and more short with people, expecially him. He says I jump at things I never did before and dont forgive anymore. I take more moods out on him and hold grudges longer.

I just realized tonight why, I am different. I am less filled with hope, faith, forgiveness, goodness or kindness. I see the glass 3/4 empty now and expect the worst in people and situations. I dont expect kindness from people and probably dont give it back either.

I know why now I am what he says I am. Cancer has changed me and the failure of the faith my parents brought me up to believe in has been exposed as a non-esistant truth in my eyes. Every time you kick someone they get up a little slower and my god have I been kicked in the last 3 years. I am not getting up anymore at all. I refuse too. I dont have what it takes to fight back or even stand my ground anymore. I am better off staying down here on the ground and to give up on living, and just start existing rather than try again and again and keep getting kicked.

whats worse, tonight after yet another argument with my husband he said he probably could not take much more of this marriage if I could not change a little even. My response, "You can't hurt me by leaving me. I have been left three times already in the last 3 years and by people who were my family! Your not family your a legal union that you can walk away from anytime. My family could not divorce me and if I can survive them dying and never seeing them again in my life you think you walking away from me and still being alive is gonna hurt?! family is birth to grave and you weren't there in the beginning and you probably wont be there in the end.

whats sad is that is really the truth and how I feel.

I never realized how much cancer took, not only my parents and cousin and father in law and probably one day my sister too, but it took my soul, the best of what I was, the stuff that made me who I was. Now I am nothing more than a shell. A soul less shell where there once beat a caring kind heart.

sorry for the long wind-edness. I am just broken.

[RandyW]

I wish I knew what to say to you, I really do. I can't imagine how hard this is right now for you and your Family. The best thing I can think of is this. I am glad you are getting it out of your system. That may hellp some. Do not apologize. THere is no need to. Htis is why we are here helping each other. Sometimes the best help is just to "Listen, And be there" for someone. I always have Dry shoulders to cry on and ears to listen with, and Prayers to send. I also know that throwing eggs is a great stress reliever sometimes, and cheap compared to other methods. Sending Prayers for Stregth and Peace and Good News about sisters health.

[Don Wood]

No words. Just hugs.

[EastCoastLadi]

(((Shelly))),

How do I know your pain! I often wonder why? How much more. I'm there in your shoes as well.

You know what, today I'm taking my daughter to the dentist office, this woman is on the cell phone talking loudly about the problems with her contractor working on her house!....I wanted to go over to her and tell her to shut the **** up!....then this other mother hears her and says shes' having the same problem too.

Oh how to have those problems!!!! I wanted to go over to them and say, well my husband has terminal cancer and you see these 2 girls, your "problems" are pathetic! I wished mine were as trite as yours!

I too can't take any more pain, every little thing ticks me off, I'm tired, I can't stand BS, I'm on my 19th nervous breakdown! ....and god help the person who gets in the way of my 29th...

Shelly, I could say I will pray for you,,,,,,,, but I think we know how we feel about that now a days!!

just know, I'm here for you and do understand!!!

Grace

[Welthy]

Shellie and Grace,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I get it and I'm there too often lately. I tell people around me to pray for my husband because I've lost the ability to talk to God much lately, because I'm having issues with God right now. I know he understands and has shoulders big enough to take my anger and sorrow. Finding out my husbands cancer is spreading, he's coughing up blood, and losing my friend to SCLC, all in a one week period last month, has really pulled the rug right out from my faith lately. Makes me wonder how many more shoes can God drop on me? (I know, waaaa- waaaa - waaa- is how I sound.)

I know God is still here with me through the Holy Spirit and I also know he will forgive me my lack of faithfulness in prayer.

Just before I came to this board tonight, my sister-in-law emailed me the following message. I saw so much of myself in this and thought it may be worth posting for myself and others who are feeling pretty crummy right now. Maybe, maybe not. I'm sniffling and writing this through tears for all of us facing this fight for our loved ones.

((((HUGS)))) to all who are feeling the strife of this disease,

Welthy

Ten Guidelines From God

Effective Immediately,

please be aware that there are changes YOU need

to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be

completed in order that I may fulfill My promises

to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in

this life. I apologize for any inconvenience,

but after all that I am doing, this seems very

little to ask of you. Please, follow

these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING:

Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit

and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here

to take all your burdens and carry them for you?

Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little

thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:

Something needs done or taken care of. Put it

on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY

to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care

of the problem. I can't help you until you turn

it over to Me; and although My to-do-list

is long, I am after all... God. I can take care

of anything you put into My hands. In fact,

if the truth were ever really known, I take

care of a lot of things for you that you never

even realize.

3. TRUST ME:

Once you've given your burdens to Me,

quit trying to take them back. Trust in

Me. Have the faith that I will take care of

all your needs, your problems and your trials.

Problems with the kids? Put them on My list.

Problem with finances? Put it on My list.

Problems with your emotional roller coaster?

For My sake, put it on My list. I want to

help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:

Don't wake up one morning and say,

"Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think

I can handle it from here." Why do you think

you are feeling stronger now? It's simple.

You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking

care of them. I also renew your strength

and cover you in My peace. Don't you

know that if I give you these problems back,

you will be right back where you started?

Leave them with Me and forget about

them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:

I want you to forget a lot of things.

Forget what was making you crazy.

Forget the worry and the fretting because

you know I'm in control. But there's one

thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't

forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU!

I want to hear your voice. I want you to

include Me in on the things going on in your life.

I want to hear you talk about your friends

and family. Prayer is simply you having

a conversation with Me. I want to be your

dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:

I see a lot of things from up here that you

can't see from where you are. Have faith in

Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me;

you wouldn't want the view from My eyes.

I will continue to care for you, watch over you,

and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me.

Although I have a much bigger task than you,

it seems as if you have so much trouble just

doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:

You were taught to share when you were

only two years old. When did you forget?

That rule still applies. Share with those who are

less fortunate than you. Share your joy with

those who need encouragement. Share your

laughter with those who haven't heard any in

such a long time. Share your tears with those

who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith

with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:

I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime

you could have so many diverse experiences.

You grow from a child to an adult, have children,

change jobs many times, learn many trades,

travel to so many places, meet thousands

of people, and experience so much. How can

you be so impatient then when it takes Me

a little longer than you expect to handle

something on My to-do-list? Trust in My

timing, for My timing is perfect. Just

because I created the entire universe in

only six days, everyone thinks I should

always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:

Be kind to others, for I love them just

as much as I love you. They may not dress

like you, or talk like you, or live the same way

you do, but I still love you all. Please try

to get along, for My sake. I created each

of you different in some way. It would be

too boring if you were all identical.

Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:

As much as I love you, how can you not

love yourself? You were created by me for

one reason only -- to be loved, and to love

in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me.

Love your neighbors. But also love yourself.

It makes My heart ache when I see you

so angry with yourself when things go

wrong. You are very precious to me.

Don't ever forget.

[Treebywater]

Shelly.... I hurt for you and with you. I wish life weren't so cruel. I'm just so sorry. We are here. And we care.

[Nick C]

Nothing I say will help you to find your faith. I am having a lot of trouble tapping into my own at this time.

But know that you are not alone. Even God endured suffering on the cross (that's what I believe anyway). Your suffering is real, and it sucks, and I am sorry, and I pray you find peace and faith during these times.

[BeckyCW]

Shelly, I'm just so sorry. I'm glad you've got this place to get things off your chest and hope that helps, even a little. Maybe some of the rest of us can do the hoping and praying, for now, while you just do your best to take care of yourself. I've got no business giving advice, so I'll just say I really care and am thinking of you.

BeckyCW

[Andrea]

It is so not fair what you have to go through. You are right, it is TOO MUCH for one person and I don't know why.

I really really hope you can find comfort in your marriage and try to work it out. I find myself a little more "stable" mooded with a slight increase in the Lexapro I started. I have been pretty moody lately.

I am praying for your sister and for peace for you. I just don't know what to say Thinking of you.

[septq]

Reading your heartrending post, Shelly, brought to mind lines that may seem absurd to you :

The Lord is my shepherd

I shall not want.

Yet the psalm goes on

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.

It doesn't say "I will feel good". As a matter of fact, most of the psalmists don't feel very good - they spend a great deal of their time complaining that they are not getting a better deal.

Like you, I have felt rotten, becomme nasty and very short with others -including my husband. And all the rest : you name it.

But somehow, when one has become nothing more than a shell, when our faith, generosity, kindness have gone by the boards, the Spirit has lots of elbow space to remodel us. Doesn't matter whether or not we are aware of that and we usually aren't. It doesn't mean we'll feel good, but that maybe we can still trust somewhere deep inside, whatever the pain and injustice.

Right now, just get through this however you can. My prayers are with you.

Anne

[kreed70]

(((Shelly)))

I can't even imagine your pain right now. I am so sorry.

I strongly recommend some medication to help even things out emotionally a bit.

Keep talking/yelling/screaming out to God. He can take all of our negative, mean, hopeless attitudes that we throw at Him. He hears you!!

I'm thinking about you and your family and praying for you.

Kelly

[Snowflake]

Shelly,

I can do nothing for your crisis of faith. I think that what you said to your husband was really harsh and I believe you should decide if you want to stay married to the man or not. I believe he brought up some points that you had validated earlier in your post. If you have become such a bitter person, of course he sees an even sharper point of the blade, we always take it out more on those in our comfort zone.

I would suggest you find a counselor for your marriage and for yourself. You need to talk to someone who can help you heal the hole in your soul. Also, you could probably use either an anti-anxiety and/or antidepressant or a change in the medication you are currently taking.

You have allowed cancer to make you a victim, you have rolled over and given up your core. This is so not the Shelly I have gotten to know over the years. You need to actively take part in getting yourself back.

You have gone through and are going through some terrible times that you had no control of. That's a fact, but how you react to the stimuli is something you DO have control over. Get over the victim image, stop wallowing. The grief and anger are consuming you and you need to fight your way back out of that pit.

Shelly, I think you are a worthwhile human being and you have reached a point of self-destruction that will be hard to turn back from. You need some help, some real help. I hope you have the strength to seek it. A marriage isn't something you should just throw away and your very core is something worth saving.

Take the steps, Shelly. Make an appointment with your family doctor, get the name of a counselor and a referral to a psychologist, as well. You truly do need some help, and if I lived anywhere near you, I'd drag your *ss myself!

xxoo,

Becky

[stand4hope]

Dear Shelly,

I can't express enough how important the words are that Becky wrote to you.

Shelly, you know, you're not alone. My losses in the past six years have been life-changing for me, too. They have been unfair and have taken away every strong person in my family - my mom (cancer), my dad (emphysema), my grandma (old age), and my husband (cancer). I basically have no one left to lean on. I have a very ill son, both physically and mentally. My sisters depend on ME, and my brother lives on the other side of the country. I need to have two surgeries, I need to get a colonoscopy, and I have no one to take care of me through any of those things, so I'm just not getting them done right now.

There are others here who have told me things in confidence that have even worse situations than you or me. There are many who have no one left. We all react differently to our losses and troubles. Most of us, however, are doing what we can to learn how to live in spite of not seeing (yet) the reasons for continuing to live.

Your husband has stuck by you through all of this, and from what you describe, it sounds like he has tried to the best of his ability to support you and continue to love you. To me, your treatment of him says that you are on a path of self-destruction. It sounds like you already have your mind made up that NOTHING is worth taking care of - including yourself and your marriage.

God does have a plan for you, Shelly, whether you believe it right now or not. He does care and the test of our true faith in HIM, is always when terrible tragedies of any kind smack us down. All Gods asks of us is that we love Him, TRUST Him, and praise Him. We ask God to give, give, give, do, do, do, and fix everything, and when He doesn't we turn on Him. IT IS NOT ABOUT US, Shelly - it's about Him!

If you know your Bible, you know that God did NOT bring death and suffering to this world. And, Jesus said we would have trouble in this world. He also said to "feed my lambs". You have done that in the past, Shelly, without even knowing it. You have unselfishly, in spite of your own heartache, served Him by posting to all of us words of encouragement that have truly helped us through our own hard times.

What you feel right now is simply what you feel. What you feel is ok and not to be judged because it is truly the way you feel right now. However, you are a smart woman. You know that your current thoughts and feelings are destructive to yourself and others that love you. They are out-of-whack with where they should be.

Take Becky's advice. There is light outside of that dark hole you are in right now. Please take the steps necessary to get back in the light, and do everything you can to preserve your marriage - it's worth it!

I love you,

Peggy

[tnmynatt]

Shelly,

I admire you for speaking up and being transparent. Please take Becky and Peggy's words in love as they are intended. There WILL be better days ahead...

(((((SHELLY))))))

Praying for you to seek help and to continue to let your emotions out in healthy ways. Take care. We are here for you and want to continue to support you through your difficulty.

[cathy]

Dear Shelley,

I am so sorry for your pain, you have indeed been through so much..I dont know what else to say, just know that I am thinking of you and hoping you can find your way..

[TamHol]

Shelley

Your in a place where you were never intended to be.... Your giving this illness all the emotions it needs to not only kill a single person but every fiber of what they used to be. Your giving in to something that is doesn't care if you fight a little or alot, it's only care is that it wins. If you let this dictate how you live your life and let it change you .... IT WINS!

Your losses are great, there is no question about that and you deserve every feeling you have of resentment. But why give it something it wasn't even lurking for? Your marriage, your happiness, and you? I don't know what God heard you ask for. I do know he did not make the choice to allow this illness to become another "being" in your home. "If you watch the bad to see what it will do next ... you'll miss out on all the good you could be enjoying" is what my Dad said just a week ago.

My Dad can't be cured due to his heart unable to with stand the extra strain medication and surgeries would create. Does that make me angry, yes, he's paid his dues and is actually the one owed now as far as I'm concerned. So everyday that he has that counts as "extra" is appreciated .......... and all our prayers have been answered from God.

Tammy

[Nutbar]

Shelly,

You are not alone and I totally understand how you feel. No, I didn't lose my entire family to cancer but I've been kicked a lot lately and have had way too many losses in the last few months. People I thought I could count on have deserted me and I feel like this just isn't fair at all.

I'm sure your husband loves you very much and you should try to let him help you. Have you talked to anyone about this? Maybe you even should talk to your Dr. Nobody can deal with all of that on their own.

I hope you see a little light soon.

hugs,

Nutbar

[Maryanne]

I am so sorry for all the grief you have in your life. I know how much you love your sister and how scared you are that you may lose her too.

But you must take steps to help yourself. After all you can not be there for her if you can't be there for you.

There is help out there and you must be the one to seek it out. Go for counceling or at least see your family doctor and get that anti depressant that you desparately need that could just may help you get through this.

I don't really know the situation with your husband I just know that he seems like a good man who has been by your side through all of this and hopefully you will see his side of this. You must try to save your marriage. It is no good to be alone. You sound like you may self-distruct especially if you have no one to lean on.

Please at least try to get help. Apparently, you cannot get through this without it.

YOU MUST FIGHT, NOT GIVE UP!!! There is help for you but you must realize that and you have to help yourself as no one can make you do what you don't want to. Give up, that is not the Shelley I got to know on here.

We worry about you here, as you see from your friends here replying to your post. But we can only lead you to water, but we cannot force you to drink. This you must do on your own.

Please try, I know in my heart that this will work for you and help you if you just try!

Praying for you and your sister,

Maryanne

[KerryToo]

I can relate (as you know). When I last emailed you, you told me that you were going to "slide into the grave, saying what a ride!" and fighting the will to let cancer take over your life. Get your boots on girl, and fight. It does not earn the right to take any more away from you!

It IS difficult, horrible, overwhelming to have so many family members affected by this stupid disease. I know - it sucks! But you need to take care of YOU and YOURS - don't let cancer take any more from you. It does NOT deserve the power to do that.

God Bless You, Shelly. I wish you well. Kerry

[J.C.]

Shelly,

Got good advice already, the best

all I want to add is, you had the

support of one person through all

your losses, now you want to get

rid of that person..???

Think and Think again........

No fun being completly alone to

face life, that I can tell you.

Seek help now, don't wait.

Jackie

[lisag]

Hi Shelly-

I was so saddened to read your post, as I have felt that way from time to time for much of my life. I genuinely hope that that was venting...that you hit bottom...that you can start to come back up again.

I am not particularly religious--never have been--and words of faith and God do little for me. I wish I could say different but it is true. Please find something for yourself. I take spinning classes 1-2 days a week. On Wednesdays I am there from 6-7. Nobody calls me...everything else can wait...that is MY time. It has helped me tremendously. I close my eyes and push myself as hard as I can go...I sit in the back and let it all out while I work out. At first my instructor thought I was crazy but now he understands what that class means to me. I am fine then from Wed. night until about Sunday night. Then I start to lose it again. So I signed up for a Saturday am class as well, hoping that'll help me pull thru until Wednesday.

My point is, find something for yourself and it will help other things fall back in place. Do something constructive....if you have anger to let out, let it go in a positive manner rather than by turning into a raging lunatic (I've been there too, that's for sure!). Hang in there; we'll all get thru this crap one way or another.

Lisa

[sharonjo]

Shelly,

The others are right. You need to sit back, take a deep breath and pull yourself right back up by the bootstraps. If you need professional help - get it. Do whatever you need to do to deal with this beast. I have been hit hard in my family too. I just buried my 28 year old son last year after a horrible 2 yr. battle with osteosarcoma. I had to take custody of my 2 grandsons (2 & 4 yrs.) after his death. I was diagnosed with Stage 4 NSCLC just 4 months after my son's passing. My brother was diagnosed with extensive stage SCLC a week after I was. I am also a widow, lost my husband suddenly 6 yrs ago to heart disease. My mother, step-father, mother-in-law, and father-in-law have all succombed to Lung Cancer. I lost an infant nephew to a heart defect and another 27 yr. old nephew to suicide recently. So yeah, I know how you feel. How can God allow so much sh*t to fall into one person's lap? I don't know the answer to that one, and like you I feel that I have certainly given more than my share. Why was I given cancer on top of all this? Don't have the answer to that one either. What I do know is that my kids & my grandkids need me - so I have to keep fighting. I can't give up even though there are times I think it would be a lot easier. As hard as it is, you need to stay positive for your sister. She is going to need your strength to help her fight. Your husband is going through this too, try to be kind to him. He feels as helpless as you do I'm sure. I hope you find the strength you need to keep fighting. I am praying for you and your sister. Stay strong.

Sharon

[Mskim]

Every word spoke here rings so true and right and all I can say is that I pray for you and your husband and your sister.

One thing that always irritated me that my step dad says is that we cannot die with them, it would be a bigger tragedy. It pisses me off because he seems so happy, but maybe that's the reason why.

Anyway, all of these messages touched me because I have found myself in your place, even the husband part. Years of tragedy and grief have taken their toll. There are times when my husband wants to give up and i just want to let him. I tell him I have changed so he has to just be with the new me, the 36 year old orphan.

*hugs*