Jump to content

Update on Mom and Refusal of Hospice


SC7454

Recommended Posts

Well, I've told everyone the whole sorted story...so I won't go into it again. Since I last posted, she's gone completely numb from her waist down and lifting her has become unbelievably hard by myself. We can't make it to the bathroom in time, most of the time. Since it's just myself and her boyfriend, we take turns on who is here. I'm so scared, and she still refuses hospice. She won't even talk to me about it. So, my husband tried to talk to her about it, and she got frustrated and yelled, "Just give me till Sunday to make a decision." The thing is, is that she won't make it. So, my husband said, "Well, we need to get someone in here to talk to you from hospice because she (being me) can't handle all this, and she feels badly because she knows she isn't giving you the best medical care she should be. We want you to be as comfortable as you possibly can, and being in an uncomfortable bed or couch isn't the best we can do." I told her that I wasn't trying to get out of anything, that I would still be here as much as I have been, and that I simply need someone to teach me what I don't know. She told us to get out. We couldn't even get into other stuff with her because she won't let us talk. She told me she hates me and that I'm trying to kill her. Well, hospice is coming here tomorrow at noon and I'm so afraid she's going to flip out. She told me this morning that she's not going to give up, and I told her I didn't want her to, but she said that that's what I'm doing. I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like I can't breathe. What if she says no when they are here? What am I going to do? I have Power of Attorney, but that doesn't apply if she's still awake and can make decisions. This is horrible, she can't even lift herself up to a sitting position without me and I know she's in so much pain. She won't even let me get her better pain meds, because she starts screaming that she wants to be awake. I feel like I can't keep this up and I don't know what to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Simply, you need for your mom to have hospice. I am glad you are going on and having them come out. Your mom is not rational, which is understandable, but she is not emotionally equipped to make decisions for herself. That's my opinion. And, if you don't get help, you may well wind up hurting yourself or becoming sick yourself. Time for tough love, in my book. Don

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh man. I was hoping things had calmed down some, but it doesn't sound like it. After all your mom has been through, she deserves to be angry, she does. But, not at you and she's not, but you are closest and will love her regardless. I feel for you. It is breaking my heart that this is happening to you both. It really is. Please know that I am there with you, holding your hand to be strong when hospice enters the door. You can do this. Hospice does understand what is going on with mom, right? In other words, I think they better start with a counselor or social worker talking with you guys about where your mom's health is and how angry she is about it rather than just coming in and doing their typical "presentation" about the program.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We did tell hospice (over the phone) about the situation and asked to meet with them. They said that wasn't necessary (don't know how I feel about that) and that they have been through this extreme denial before and will try to work through it with her when they come. Gosh, I hope I get someone who can reason with her. When everyone leaves though, all hell (pardon my expression) will break loose. I know it, and I'll be the bad person and she'll tell me she hates me again. She told me to jump off the balcony of her apartment before...it's crazy. The funny thing is, I would NEVER let someone get away with treating me the way she has. But she's my mother...what more can you say?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh my gosh...at least Hospice has been briefed and is coming tomorrow. I know this sounds so darn easy to say but it does help..first, take a deep breath and KNOW with every single fiber of your being that you are doing the most loving thing for your mom.

Remember, we are right here for you and will walk this journey right along side of you.

It hurts to hear all the unkind words from her but try to turn a deaf ear, she is scared and truly doesn't mean what she is saying.

Gentle hugs

Libby

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What she is going thru is extreme and just not fair. I would be angry too. She is young, she had a future plan in her mind and it didn't include lung cancer and it certainly didn't include hospice.

I only hope that she can get past some of her anger to see that it is all consuming, and that those who love her are trying to help her with the situation given.

I know you know all of this- and it doesn't make it any easier being her "target". She targets you because your love for her is unconditional, and yes she knows she can get away with it.

I hope the person coming will be able to get thru to her some how. A lot of times strangers "outsiders" will be listened to more clearly than those who are closest to us. Perhaps they can ease her some with the assurance that her pain will be managed well and that once she is confortable and has her needs met by professionals, she will be able to make clearer decisions and choices about her medical care. She will also be able to enjoy her time with her family instead of having it be overshadowed by exhaustion and frustration over whether or not she is getting the best care.

I will be thinking of all of you tomorrow.

Hugs and prayers,

K

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel so horrible for you ...... like it's enough to have to watch all these things happening to her. My only suggestion is to talk to the hospice and ask her/him to be honest with your Mom. I know it worked for my neighbour ... Bob started to get delusional and violent with her and he was mean and nasty (thank god he reverted back to his Dutch language and she didn't understand him). When RoseMary realized she just couldn't keep her promise to keep him at home without risking harm to herself, she made the call and admitted him to the hospital. It was the hospice worker and the doctors that made Bob realize what he was doing and how he could easily hurt RoseMary. He couldn't believe he had done this stuff and agreed it was best for him and RoseMary. They deal with this all the time and they know how to talk and deal with people in your Mom's condition and state of mind. Hopefully, with all fingers and toes crossed, that is all you need ... it to come from someone else. I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength to endure all this. Please remember all the great things about your Mother even with the most hurtful things coming out of her mouth. You are doing everything right and respecting all her wishes to the best of your abilities. Don't doubt that ....

Tammy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I cannot add a thing to the wonderful advice you have already gotten, nor will I even try. I just want you to know you and your mom and family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry about this situation. Please keep posting as you can and let us be here for you to lean on.

Hugs, love and prayers,

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The hospice person said I needed to tell her that she was coming tomorrow. I don't think they understand how mean she gets and how much she flips out. I'm tired of being flipped off, I'm tired of being told I'm not lifting her right. I'm practically living over here and she doesn't see that I'm doing what's best for her. I'm freaking out that I have to tell her tonight, and I realize it's because I'm afraid of my own mother. What a realization that is! The thing is, is that my mother had violent tendencies before this, but I never saw them. I've heard stories from my dad (her ex-husband) and others, but I've never seen it until now. I hate that I see this side of her....it goes beyond cancer...it's like it's brought out her hateful side that she really had before. I'm practically shaking with having to tell her. Please send me your prayers and thoughts tonight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hospice workers I'm sure have their way of making the patient accepting of the services they are there to provide.

The word I have heard to describe it is "empowering".

I just said a prayer that that is exactly how it is received.

And I am just SO sorry about what you are going through. She is too young, so are you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like your mother is irrational and probably not in a good mental state to be making balanced decisions. Hating you for trying to take the best possible care of her is grossly unfair to you, IMHO.

In the end, you might just have to accept the fact that in order to see to her best interests, you'll have to make her angry at you. It sounds like she's angry at you already, so I wonder how much you actually have to lose in making the exchange.

I do wish you the best of luck and plenty of strength and inner fortitude!

Laurie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think she your mom will "get it", but for now she can't bc she is afraid and mad, again rightfully so. She has fought so hard for so long, without a break. I think that in the meantime, just keep trying all you can. You WILL NOT regret it, but you would regret being angry with her or walking away. HANG IN THERE!!! Check your PMs. XOXOXOXOX

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Family members caring for loved ones with Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia often receive this type of abuse -- not so much related to hospice, but regarding nursing home decisions and all sorts of everyday situations. It helps to look at it this way:

It's not my mom talking, it's the disease. It's not her fault, it's not my fault, it's the disease. She can't help it, and I'm doing the best I possibly can. It's the disease.

Bless you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.