SC7454 Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Well, I've told everyone the whole sorted story...so I won't go into it again. Since I last posted, she's gone completely numb from her waist down and lifting her has become unbelievably hard by myself. We can't make it to the bathroom in time, most of the time. Since it's just myself and her boyfriend, we take turns on who is here. I'm so scared, and she still refuses hospice. She won't even talk to me about it. So, my husband tried to talk to her about it, and she got frustrated and yelled, "Just give me till Sunday to make a decision." The thing is, is that she won't make it. So, my husband said, "Well, we need to get someone in here to talk to you from hospice because she (being me) can't handle all this, and she feels badly because she knows she isn't giving you the best medical care she should be. We want you to be as comfortable as you possibly can, and being in an uncomfortable bed or couch isn't the best we can do." I told her that I wasn't trying to get out of anything, that I would still be here as much as I have been, and that I simply need someone to teach me what I don't know. She told us to get out. We couldn't even get into other stuff with her because she won't let us talk. She told me she hates me and that I'm trying to kill her. Well, hospice is coming here tomorrow at noon and I'm so afraid she's going to flip out. She told me this morning that she's not going to give up, and I told her I didn't want her to, but she said that that's what I'm doing. I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like I can't breathe. What if she says no when they are here? What am I going to do? I have Power of Attorney, but that doesn't apply if she's still awake and can make decisions. This is horrible, she can't even lift herself up to a sitting position without me and I know she's in so much pain. She won't even let me get her better pain meds, because she starts screaming that she wants to be awake. I feel like I can't keep this up and I don't know what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Simply, you need for your mom to have hospice. I am glad you are going on and having them come out. Your mom is not rational, which is understandable, but she is not emotionally equipped to make decisions for herself. That's my opinion. And, if you don't get help, you may well wind up hurting yourself or becoming sick yourself. Time for tough love, in my book. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC7454 Posted October 16, 2006 Author Share Posted October 16, 2006 I should probably also say that she doesn't know they are coming tomorrow, because she gets so violent about it when we talk. There is no option but to have the hospice coordinator walk in with my husband and her boyfriend while I'm here too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Oh man. I was hoping things had calmed down some, but it doesn't sound like it. After all your mom has been through, she deserves to be angry, she does. But, not at you and she's not, but you are closest and will love her regardless. I feel for you. It is breaking my heart that this is happening to you both. It really is. Please know that I am there with you, holding your hand to be strong when hospice enters the door. You can do this. Hospice does understand what is going on with mom, right? In other words, I think they better start with a counselor or social worker talking with you guys about where your mom's health is and how angry she is about it rather than just coming in and doing their typical "presentation" about the program. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC7454 Posted October 16, 2006 Author Share Posted October 16, 2006 We did tell hospice (over the phone) about the situation and asked to meet with them. They said that wasn't necessary (don't know how I feel about that) and that they have been through this extreme denial before and will try to work through it with her when they come. Gosh, I hope I get someone who can reason with her. When everyone leaves though, all hell (pardon my expression) will break loose. I know it, and I'll be the bad person and she'll tell me she hates me again. She told me to jump off the balcony of her apartment before...it's crazy. The funny thing is, I would NEVER let someone get away with treating me the way she has. But she's my mother...what more can you say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Oh my gosh...at least Hospice has been briefed and is coming tomorrow. I know this sounds so darn easy to say but it does help..first, take a deep breath and KNOW with every single fiber of your being that you are doing the most loving thing for your mom. Remember, we are right here for you and will walk this journey right along side of you. It hurts to hear all the unkind words from her but try to turn a deaf ear, she is scared and truly doesn't mean what she is saying. Gentle hugs Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TamHol Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 I feel so horrible for you ...... like it's enough to have to watch all these things happening to her. My only suggestion is to talk to the hospice and ask her/him to be honest with your Mom. I know it worked for my neighbour ... Bob started to get delusional and violent with her and he was mean and nasty (thank god he reverted back to his Dutch language and she didn't understand him). When RoseMary realized she just couldn't keep her promise to keep him at home without risking harm to herself, she made the call and admitted him to the hospital. It was the hospice worker and the doctors that made Bob realize what he was doing and how he could easily hurt RoseMary. He couldn't believe he had done this stuff and agreed it was best for him and RoseMary. They deal with this all the time and they know how to talk and deal with people in your Mom's condition and state of mind. Hopefully, with all fingers and toes crossed, that is all you need ... it to come from someone else. I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength to endure all this. Please remember all the great things about your Mother even with the most hurtful things coming out of her mouth. You are doing everything right and respecting all her wishes to the best of your abilities. Don't doubt that .... Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 I cannot add a thing to the wonderful advice you have already gotten, nor will I even try. I just want you to know you and your mom and family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry about this situation. Please keep posting as you can and let us be here for you to lean on. Hugs, love and prayers, Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Some hospices also do home care-- is that the case with yours? If so, maybe they could present it to her as home care or home help, not hospice care. I hope all goes well-- let us know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kreed70 Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 I am so, so sorry that all of this is going on. I'm praying for your mom and your family. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC7454 Posted October 16, 2006 Author Share Posted October 16, 2006 The hospice person said I needed to tell her that she was coming tomorrow. I don't think they understand how mean she gets and how much she flips out. I'm tired of being flipped off, I'm tired of being told I'm not lifting her right. I'm practically living over here and she doesn't see that I'm doing what's best for her. I'm freaking out that I have to tell her tonight, and I realize it's because I'm afraid of my own mother. What a realization that is! The thing is, is that my mother had violent tendencies before this, but I never saw them. I've heard stories from my dad (her ex-husband) and others, but I've never seen it until now. I hate that I see this side of her....it goes beyond cancer...it's like it's brought out her hateful side that she really had before. I'm practically shaking with having to tell her. Please send me your prayers and thoughts tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Hospice workers I'm sure have their way of making the patient accepting of the services they are there to provide. The word I have heard to describe it is "empowering". I just said a prayer that that is exactly how it is received. And I am just SO sorry about what you are going through. She is too young, so are you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trish2418 Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Praying for you and your mom. Trish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiecrow Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 It sounds like your mother is irrational and probably not in a good mental state to be making balanced decisions. Hating you for trying to take the best possible care of her is grossly unfair to you, IMHO. In the end, you might just have to accept the fact that in order to see to her best interests, you'll have to make her angry at you. It sounds like she's angry at you already, so I wonder how much you actually have to lose in making the exchange. I do wish you the best of luck and plenty of strength and inner fortitude! Laurie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 I think she your mom will "get it", but for now she can't bc she is afraid and mad, again rightfully so. She has fought so hard for so long, without a break. I think that in the meantime, just keep trying all you can. You WILL NOT regret it, but you would regret being angry with her or walking away. HANG IN THERE!!! Check your PMs. XOXOXOXOX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyanne Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I am praying for you! You certianly don't "deserve" this and either does your mom. Hospice is very skilled...I am very hopeful that they will be able to break through. Thinking of you tonight, Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melindasue37 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 You are in such a rough situation right now. But, you are doing the right thing by calling in hospice. You both need help. I'm praying that your Mom will welcome their return after they leave instead of fighting it. Please, keep us posted. Warm Hugs, Melinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
recce101 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Family members caring for loved ones with Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia often receive this type of abuse -- not so much related to hospice, but regarding nursing home decisions and all sorts of everyday situations. It helps to look at it this way: It's not my mom talking, it's the disease. It's not her fault, it's not my fault, it's the disease. She can't help it, and I'm doing the best I possibly can. It's the disease. Bless you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharonjo Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I am so sorry you are going through this now. I will keep you and your mom and your family in my prayers. God Bless, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.