ztweb Posted October 18, 2006 Share Posted October 18, 2006 Oh you guys. I first have to say that I am so, so sorry that I haven't been posting, and that you all need to know that you are still in my prayers, every day. I don't know what is wrong with me. My dad is in remission, his next appointment isn't until the end of November, and we have grown so close as a family. AMAZING! GOD'S PRAYERS ANSWERED! To anyone else in this situation, I would say that they need to live for today, let go and let God, and stay strong. I would suggest they take care of themselves, love with all of their hearts, and again, stay strong. Well, EVERY DAY I come to this site, every day I read the words of you survivors, those of you just beginning this awful journey, and those of you whose passion and love for someone else have brought you here to learn more. EVERY DAY I hit the reply button, yet can't find it in me to respond. I don't know why. You have all been there for me...now here I am, able to be a support for others, and I just can't do it. I just sit here. I look at the screen, eventually log out, only to return a few hours later to do it all again. I feel awful. It would be amazing if there were just an easy button for this whole experience and there just isn't. I am not necessarily grieving, because I don't have anything to grieve...my dad is in remission...we have been given the gift of life and time. Part of me wonders if I am simply trying to avoid the feeling of being a hypocrit. I say this because I encourage everyone to stay strong, to learn more, and to pray. I am NOT strong, I have had so much of this cancer sh*t that I could hurl - thus I am not learning more, and my prayers feel so shallow. Every time my dad has the most minor of complaints I feel like I should be looking into it...it is overwhelming. Ack. I am just babbling. More than anything I guess I wanted you to know I am thinking of you, and I am reading. I don't want to be the absent friend. I guess it is just working right now to be the friend who listens and nods. Please know I am nodding. Love and prayers, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted October 18, 2006 Share Posted October 18, 2006 (((Jen))) There is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes our senses just become over loaded with this cancer crap. It is hard to put it into words. I do know what you mean about posting. I haven't posted very much at all in the past 2 months. But the thing is I am on this site at least 2-3 hours a day reading, and hitting the reply button just to cancel it. So I do understand. For me, it is a combination of wanting to be supportive, but not knowing how to put into words feelings of hope and faith when right now those feelings are so distant and troubling for me. I also never want to be the person who is always coming on here and complaining and venting. I want to be positive and to help. I just don't have that strength right now. For you, I'm sure you have a mixed sense of desires. You are so incredibly blessed to have had your prayers answered. You were given a gift for which you feel the strong desire to share that hope and that knowledge with others. That is a good thing, and admirable thing to do. But I'm sure there is a side of you that is still afraid, the human weak side of all of us that just wants to forget the C word, that it ever happened in our lives. We all want with our heart of hearts for things to be the way they used to be. We want to go through the days without fear of cancer progression and symptoms. We want to be carefree and happy go lucky again, completely ignorant of the devastating effects of LC. Jen, just know that we know you love us all, that we are always in your prayers regardless of whether you are posting it or not. We are so happy that LC has vacated your family (although we never know it will never fully leave your thoughts) and our sincere desire for you is that you LIVE life and are happy and carefree again. I think our hope for everyone here is that they can put LC behind them and truly live each day (even if it is only one day). I know that is what I pray for. I pray that everyone here hears news that they are cured or their loved one is cured, they go away from this site and LIVE life never to return, never to post again because they don't NEED to anymore. I want for no one to NEED this site. Wouldn't that be a dream come true? Anyway, you are always in my heart and in my prayers. We understand the silence and we know that a lack of words does not equal a lack of love. Love you girl!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted October 18, 2006 Share Posted October 18, 2006 Jen we know you are here for all of us We all go through periods of time when we can deal with things better than other times. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to it. I often times wish I had the "words of wisdom" as I call it that so many others here have. I wish I could provide the comfort they provide me. Sometimes I post more than other times. You know how we have PMS? I think sometimes I have SCS, Sick of Cancer Syndrome We love you and I know everyone can't wait to buy the cookbook to see the photo montage you put together Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted October 18, 2006 Share Posted October 18, 2006 I don't post as much as I used to do. I would like to quit cancer, but it is not as easy as quiting a job. Not posting as much is a kind of a way to get away from doing cancer I guess. I still check in every day and quickly see what is going on. I also wish we could all be cured so that no one would ever need to post Carleen. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastCoastLadi Posted October 18, 2006 Share Posted October 18, 2006 Jen, sometimes it gets just too damn exhausting! my brain gets like mush, and I don't even know if i'm making any sense at all. I hate the fact, we wake up with cancer and go to bed w/ it every nite! but now the most interesting thing is happening, i'm taking my husband everyday to the hospital for his imrt/rad treatments and coming across new patients and families, and I am sharing our experiences and by that I mean not only my husbands', families, but here! and what i have gone thru here! The best part is that I'm educating people that I never thought I would be doing before and it is thanks to all the wonderful people here, your advice, knowledge and experiences......and btw - my husbands' dr ( radiologist - totally harvard u know), very nice....tells his patients and families, I know alot about this!!! so. don't worry.....sometimes being in the background is needed, and sometimes coming out of the light is needed too... Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ernrol Posted October 18, 2006 Share Posted October 18, 2006 Jen, I would not feel bad about not being able to post for a while. Maybe you are trying to do too much. I see that you have over 4 posts a day that looks pretty high to me. I too have been blessed by becoming cancer free and I read some of the post and just don’t know what to say. Sometimes I feel guilty I have never had a sick day and others have had such a bad time. I want to try and help all I can, but sometimes the words just don’t come. I think when the time between checks get longer is a good thing but the waiting to find out can be a little trying. My next scan results are November 15th and the last one was in May. We have to just pray for a good report for your dad. We are supposed to put it all in the hands of the Lord, but sometime that gets pretty hard. Post when you feel like it. Don’t feel guilty if you have nothing to say, but do let us know how you are doing. Katie told me that a new forum was going to start soon on cooking and recipes. I am looking forward to it. It might be place a to post a little away from the cancer. I love food as long as it is healthy. Relax and enjoy your family and post when you want. Stay positive, Ernie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melindasue37 Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 I have been thinking the exact same thoughts as you, Jen. I read everyday, but I just takes so much to be optimistic. I haven't even been able to open the "new" members posts because the memories are just so painful. I try to post and like you there have been so many times when I just close it out and tell myself I'll try to get back to it later. I've even thought about trying to post to explain why I've not been around as much as I'd like to be but even that was too difficult to put into words. So, I just had to reply to this one. I completely understand where you are coming from, unfortunately. Warm Hugs, Melinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rogfam Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Jen, I feel like I could've wrote your very post... I feel the same. I love you all dearly and pray for you, even though you don't see me posting so much. It's nice to not have scans til December and try to live in 'lala land' instead of 'cancer land' for a while.. Thanks for posting this Jen. At least we know we're not alone in this weird thing. ((hugs)) and love, Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegirl Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Oh Jen I can so relate. I too have been the friend to sit here and nod, and sometimes shed a tear. I think we all have different reasons why we go through times when we are not as active on the boards and I think everyone here understands (even if we don't understand ourself). I myself got distracted with vacation and living life and though I still came to the boards to read daily and often thought about replying with some encouraging words, for some reason I did not. (Was I just too lazy to look up my password to log in again after my hubby bought our new computer???) Anyways, thanks for writing this post and getting me on board again. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 If you pray for everyone here, that is a huge thing in itself... I as someone here am grateful for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 I say a little prayer for all of us nightly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tatlyn Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Dear Jen, I know where you are coming from, I'm there as well. I just can't muster the strength anymore to hit the reply button and just typing those words brought tears to my eyes. The thought that runs most often through my mind lately, other than thoughts cancer related is that I am simply exhausted. I think you mentioned, *overwhelmed*, yep, lots of that here to Your post brought me to action Jen, I'm going to send a post for the first time in a while. God Bless you Jen and God Bless everyone else who has the need to be here or the need to be away. Much Love, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myagle2 Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Hi Jen, Wow I could have wrote your post. Like Kathy (hi Kathy!), I come here every single day, no matter what. I have learned so very much here, its one of the things that keeps me going every day. I often think, " why dont i post every day? ". Unknown to me, but I think of you all all the time. So dont feel bad, you certainly are not alone, lol! Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Hi Jen, I like that you aren't posting everyday. I like that you are getting on with other things. That is what should happen. Kids, school, family fun, and trash day are the stuff that should be occupying your time. You just got a bit of cancer trauma. It's over now and back to the real world as you know it. When Dad is doing so well, I don't see a reason for you to be here. Not that I am shooing you away, by any means. When you were posting regularly about what was going on in your family and with your life, you were a big help. You were open and honest with your lives and compassionate and caring in your responses to others. You don't owe anyone here anything! God bless you, girl. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
recce101 Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Sometimes our senses just become overloaded with this cancer crap. I already feel that way sometimes, and I'm about as new as newbies can be. If I think I have something to add to a discussion, perhaps a perspective no one else has expressed, then I'll usually do it. Otherwise, I'll just try to keep my profile updated so previous posts will have the latest information on my personal journey through this cancer maze. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev'sSister Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Jen..I just want to let you know that I look for your posts everyday. I know this may sound awful, but I always hope that you only have good news. Your Dad is a survivor and that gives me such high hopes for my sister. I don't want to seem selfish, but we who are still trying to learn about this disease and at the same time, have faith..well, frankly, we need you to continue to post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 Oh Bobby, as I read your post, tears lept to my eyes. Please know you CAN have faith and power through this disease, and I am just going through a rough time. I can remember going to the boards to see if a particular person had posted, because I NEEDED to know the story. I know how you feel. Blessings, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev'sSister Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 This is so hard for everyone. We are a large family, 9 children..very Catholic..2 of my sisters are Nuns..and my Brother is a Priest.My parents are both still living..late seventies. My sister, Beverly, used to always tell people (when they would ask why she didn't become a nun too) ..that she was a some..Nuns get none..but she gets some. I guess that is a little vulgar to some, and I am sorry, but it was always funny to me. She is a very funny person. People ask her how old she is and she tells them she is in her F's. I love her so much..and this disease is hateful. Please know that you have been a great source of relief for me. I am going to see my sister this weekend and cook her a pot of Gumbo and watch the LSU game with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I understand exactly what you are feeling.. I have missed you though God Bless us all and even if we don't post every single day, I know that if anyone of us reaches out...we'll all come a runnin' Love you, ((((((((((Jen))))))))))) Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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