Another Grief chapter...

[SBeth]

Hi Everyone,

Yes, I'm still around and read practically every single day, though not posting much. As the weekend approaches I'll be thinking that one year ago this weekend Bill was signing all the paperwork to welcome Hospice into our home. It's been especially difficult for me as it was the turning point when I knew the clock had really begun ticking. For the last two months I feel these panic attacks that come on out of no where. When I leave the house I get nervous and feel like I need to be at home, but when I'm at home and I'm alone, I panic and need to be away. I feel like the one year anniversary of his death is taking forever. I just think I'll be better when one year finally passes.

The Dr. I've been seeing suggested that I surround myself with other people, or find someone to spend the day or evening with and talk openly about it if that's what I wanted to do, or just be distracted, if that's what I wanted to do. I called my Mom...she didn't realize the significance of the date. I called my sisters....they didn't realize. I called Bill's daughter....she never called back. I called Lisa, Ann, Diane, Jen, Madeline....nobody realized that one year ago was the date that Bill officially signed the paperwork and agreed to let Hospice help him die. Why did I think anyone else would remember this? I wouldn't have remembered if it were anyone else...but it hurt that I was the only one that knew it...people are already forgetting about him and that hurts too. People are expecting me to start forgetting about him and that hurts too. I think that I want to start to forget a little about him...that really hurts.

So...I fell back into my natural holding pattern and took my drive on I-275 (a circle freeway around Cincinnati). At one point I was somewhere in Kentucky and I was in the fast lane behind this semi and the whole back of the semi was white...no writing, no numbers, just plain white and I was so close to the back of it that all I could see was white. I wanted that semi to slam on his brakes. I drove for several miles just praying that it would. I thought how peaceful it would be to have the last thing I saw be all this calm white. Then I looked over to my right and there was a school bus with a bunch of players headed to a football game and I thought of the boys. I got over into the slow lane and drove home...made a few drinks...all I wanted to do was feel nothing...drink another drink, get numb and feel nothing. The next day I confided in my sister and decided I had reached a point where I needed some professional inpatient counselling. It helped and I do feel like I'm getting control again.

I miss Bill so much, I feel like a half person when I'm alone and I'm alone alot lately. I'm going to take some more time off work and get my life back on track. I'll be around and as I start to feel better, I'll do a better job of posting and supporting. I think of ALL of you always and pray for you all.

Love,

[Littlegirl]

Beth - I am so sorry you are hurting. Please know that if something happened to you, others would be feeling this pain as well. I know you don't want to cause that. Sometimes our family and friends don't hear us when we say we need thier help, so we need to ask again and speak louder and tell them EXACTLY what we need. Do you belong to a grief support group? I think it would be good for you to have some people to talk to who know what you are going through.

It's OK to start to forget a little about Bill. Just try to forget the cancer and the ugly things that happened but always remember the good.

I sm so sorry you are in so much pain. I'm hoping once you make it past these anniversaries that you will find more peace.

Karen

[Nick C]

Gosh, I am so sorry.

I've prayed for strength for you.

I'm so sorry.

[j's girl]

Beth,

I don't know what to say, but I feel like I need to say something. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 7 weeks ago and I can't help but wonder if my Dad will experience some of the same things you are going through. I was much closer to Mom than Dad so this has really made me reconnect with my Dad.

Good for you for taking the steps you need to to get back on track. When no one else seems to understand, there is always someone here going through the same things we are. I am thankful for that.

[Kasey]

Dear Beth,

I am so sorry that I didn't remember either the significance of the day. However, when you said it, I recall you telling us all about it last year. I am painfully sorry you experience such a feeling of loss and loneliness. I can only try to imagine it, and when I do..........it takes my breath away. I would think it hard for you to be here at all.............such a constant reminder of the evil disease that took your very best friend from you. I admire that you attempt to be here for all of us.

I am especially glad that you thought of the boys and moved into the 'other' lane. You are such a beauiful young woman............I know there is still a lot you need to accomplish yet. I will be thinking of you these next few months offering support from afar..

Kasey

[ginnyde]

Oh Beth, how I know what you mean. Sometimes I think I am the only one who misses Earl and I find that so very sad. My children seem to remember only the anniversary of his death and do offer me their support on that day.

I have joined everything in site. Sometimes I think I am chasing my tail but staying busy is my panacea.

It is very difficult when I am home at night. So very lonely. I go to bed very early. It is almost embarrassing in the summer when it is still light and I am in bed.

Beth, there is a certain solace in knowing that we are not alone in our feelings. That we can reach out to each other through our cable modems and hold each others hands. I hold your hand right now.

[lilyjohn]

Oh Boy Beth what can I say? I've been there, done that. I've survived and I'm better but----------!!!

The truth of the matter is very hard to explain or understand. Right now I face so many dates. This was the time of year when all went wrong, the beginning of the end. I'ts been 4 years but that doesn't matter. Those memories are as sharp as ever. It really hurts but it hurts more in many ways because like you I am the only one that remembers every date and it's signifigance.

Someone on here once said "it is so hard to know that you are no longer the most important person in anyone elses life". The truth of that sentence is heartwrenching. We have children and in some cases grandchildren and great grandchildren and others but each of them have someone else who is the most important person in their lives. Sure we are important to them as they are to us but not the "most important". When you lose your mate you lose that status. That is why those dates are branded in our minds when others forget. Those dates signaled the end of life as we knew it. The end of being part of a whole. Now we are just parts never again to be whole in this life time. Does any of this make any sense?

As for thinking about that blessed peacefullness. I think all of us who have lost the other part of ourselves have those thoungts at times. Thinking about my children and grandchildren is what saved me from those thoughts, made me pull back from the edge. Like you I would be alone and hate it so go for a drive. I'd see people in the stores or even Johnny's kids but I didn't see what I was looking for. I couldn't find what I needed any more than you can because what I needed (who I needed) died and I was alone in what seemed a hostile world.

The people on this board have helped me tremendously but what has helped me the most is getting in touch with my inerself and renewing my love affair with nature, or to put it better God. I don't understand why my life has taken the turns it did. I still get angry at times but I look around me and I see God everywhere and I know for some reason He wanted me here where I am and doing what I am doing. I'll never understand why and I'll probably always be a little angry or at times real angry but the truth is God has big shoulders. He can take it!

You don't want to forget your Bill Beth. You just want to forget the pain. In time you will forget a lot of it and maybe then you can go back and remember what you need to without the pain robbing you of the pleasure of a life with someone so very special.

[J.C.]

Beth,

I started to write and

I can't, sorry but all

I can say is move over

and make room for me.

Hugs

Jackie

[EastCoastLadi]

(((Beth))),

you're only human....no need for apologies, it hurts that it hurts so hard.....there are no answers...just living moment to moment......you're not alone....

Grace

[Treebywater]

Beth... The day my Mom signed onto hospice will always and forever be 'the h-word day.' It is it's own anniversary. And, though from a different seat and stand-point... I understand why the H day is so hard. And I too remember those posts... and how hard you and Bill faught... and how devestating that weekend was.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much, but so glad you are taking care of you.

[stand4hope]

Oh my gosh, Beth. We already talked about this, but you didn't tell me about the semi. I almost couldn't breathe reading that and the tears began to make their relentless appearance at the same time. I felt it. It scared me. I felt the panic, the fear - all of it. I also understood your reason for wanting to do that, and that scared me, too. It's just so hard. My heart was pounding just thinking of it. I'm still trembling.

I don't know the solutions for our grief - except Ginny's continual reminder to all of us to keep busy, and also we need to talk to others about how we feel. Those two things are working for me right now, or at least helping a lot.

I really liked what Karen said:

Please know that if something happened to you, others would be feeling this pain as well. I know you don't want to cause that.

Dear God, THANK YOU for sending that bus!!!

Love,

Peggy

[Patkid]

I remembered.

It is in the journal I kept during Brian's 10 month battle.

I remembered, I read it........in fact I read it everyday to remember what was happening last year at this time.

I also remember Dec 9 and all the days in between.

I remember emailing pics of Brian and Bill's skin on Tarceva, I remember Bill and you talking about the bridge.

I remember Bill's mom trying to die at the same time Brian needed Bill's help.

I remember the love in your phone calls.

Bill and Beth are documented in the diary of my life with Brian during his last 10 months on earth.

Brian was driving the school bus.

I love you, Beth. I wish I would have told you I remembered.

I can barely breathe myself and always worry I will bring you down if you are having a good day.

Pat

[jdjenkins]

Dear Beth,

I'm so very sorry that you are so lonely and sad. I wish there was something I could do to help you through this. I'm glad you are getting some professional help. I have also decided to start getting profession help this week. I miss my Dad so much every day, and I have so much fear and aniexty in my life it is taking me over. I wish we could turn back the clock for both of us to a happier time.

I pray that you find peace soon. Always remember that I'm hear for you if you want to talk, or take a trip to the Mall of America.

God Bless You Beth,

Denise

[ma's kid]

You are in my prayers, sweet dearest Beth.

Holding you close to my heart

Libby

[sharonjo]

Beth,

I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain you are going through right now. I lost my husband 6 years ago and I couldn't tell you the date he passed. I know that it is in August, but I choose to focus on the good times we enjoyed together rather than on his untimely death. I celebrate his life when his birthday comes around each year.

You will never forget your husband, but hopefully the pain will lessen for you. Focus on the good times you had together and try to forget the painful things. Know that he is in heaven and cancer free now! Try to surround yourself with good friends who can help you get through the rough times. I would try not to be upset that they don't remember the significance of those dates, and hopefully you will eventually begin to focus on his birthdate rather than on the sadder dates.

I am praying for God to give you the strength to get through this difficult time, and to let you know true peace and comfort in the weeks and months ahead.

God Bless,

Sharon

[Kathleen1]

Dear Beth, I too am sorry for your sadness and grief. You did the right thing in posting here. This is a place where we can all get support from those who truly understand.

You also have done the right thing in getting professional help. It is so reassuring to have someone objective to talk to, someone with experience and who can explain to us what we are feeling when we don't even know. I began grief counseling through Hospice this week and my meeting was 2 hours. It helped and I will continue to go.

Please know you can always reach out here and receive support, encouragement and understanding. You will survive! Do some nice things for YOU. Get a massage, or manicure, pedicure or anything that works for you. Be good to yourself!

I am sending you prayers for peace, strength and comfort.

k

[Don Wood]

Hey, Beth -- one big hug coming your way. It is easier for everyone else to move on, but not for us who have lost a loved one, particularly a spouse. I am glad you remembered the boys -- they have a great loss, too, and they need you even more. I'm glad you posted and expressed yourself. We need to do that for ourselves. Keep those boys in mind, okay? Don

[Maryanne]

Dearest Beth,

I am so so sorry that time is approaching for the anniversary of your Bill's passing. I am sorry for all those feelings of being alone, even with people around. No one could understand your immense feeling of your pain unless they walked in your shoes.

I guess people just figure if you seem to be coping and not complaining or verbalizing your feelings that you are doing alright.

My heart goes out to you and I pray for you to feel some kind of peace or calmness. I know that Bill is looking down upon you and he is feeling your grief which makes him very sad.

I am glad you are taking time off and you are seeking help. It seems to be working already. I hope that will give you some relief.

I hold you tight in my heart and I pray for you. I just can't imagine my life without Joel, and I pray I never have to know that pain.

Your a special young lady who has supported so many of us through our trials and tribulations.

You are always welcome here to tell us your feelings. Let us try to help you lessen this tremendous weight you are carrying on your beautiful shoulders.

Don't ever feel that we don't want to hear that you are feeling lousy and lonley without your honey and that would be a burden to us. It is not, that is why we are here, to help and support when we can.

I just wish I lived closer to you to you a big((((((BETH))))) as you really need some comfort.

This is one anniversary that we wish would never have to come. My heart goes out to you.

Maryanne

[Mskim]

(((Beth)))

Every date stands out for me and the rest of the world passes them over without a glimpse. It is a hard and lonely and painful road.

It is so great that you are seeking help.

Prayers and hugs,

Kim

[Ann]

((((((((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))))))

In this case, I think hugs speak stronger and louder than any words I could offer.

[RandyW]

Hugs prayers and big warm blankets from the dryer for strength peace and comfort!

[sharyn]

Beth,

I don't know what to say.... your post absolutely stopped me in my tracks... I could feel your pain as if it were my own. I am so sorry you went through that experience on the highway, I am so sorry you went home and had to venture through your feeling alone. Damn I am just so sorry. Love, Sharon

[mrmust]

Beth,

I have been reading alot of posts but haven't been replying but this got my attention. I am crying so hard right now I can't even see to type. I lost Joe on Aug. 14th and even though we had only been together for a year, the pain and grief is immense. I haven't hit any significate dates yet but just counting the months is difficult. And to top it off I work in the hospital where he died. I have to go into his room where he died every morning to do a chest xray on what ever patient is there. I visualize where everyone was standing and can picture him lying there. It was very hard at first but now I kind of tune it out. But tonite I took a short cut through our cancer treatment center lobby and stopped cold. It was empty and dark but the tv was on. I can still see him and me sitting there, watching that tv, waiting for the doctor. I started to sob.

I have had good days and bad. I too have been drinking WAY too much trying to numb myself. And I also sleep alot. Don't want to be awake by myself. I have seen a doctor and was prescribed some meds but those just make me sleep more. I am thinking about seeing a therapist.

Your post touched me deeply. I do understand completely and will need your support when "dates" arrive in my life. Thank you for staying away from the semi!!!!