MSWKitty Posted September 18, 2003 Share Posted September 18, 2003 I've been feeling pretty frustrated about my dad keeping us at bay (partially) about the details of his cancer. He is continuing to smoke (he's gone down to 3 to 4 cigs at night), and he drinks many nights to try to go to sleep. Anyway, I finally wrote him an in-depth, to-the-point letter about needing more-- much more from him, and he said that he would like to sit down and talk about it with me, my mom, and my husband. My husband and I are planning to bring dinner to their house on friday night and have the talk with them then. My mom is all for it. She actually knew far less about lung cancer than I realized (she wasn't even aware my dad had lung cancer!!). That's either denial, or she truly just thought there were some malignant cells in the tumor on his sternum (which is true, but they originated from his lung!). I dompletely filled her in, and I'm worried I may have put some extra fear and worry in her that she doesn't necessarily need right now. But when does anyone need this kind of worry!! So anyway, there's definitely been a communication gap, which my father has obviously been quite comfortable with. The advice I'm asking is how do I begin this conversation that we're planning to have on friday? I want to not only get information from my dad, but I would love to share feelings as well. I told my dad in the letter that if he's depressed and/or scared, whatever the case may be, that he is not alone, and he shouldn't have to internalize all of this stuff just to protect us. Believe me, I'm scared to death of this conversation, because our M O as a family has never been to emotionally open up, but at this point that's just not going to work anymore. Boy, has this all been so very hard, but I know I'm at a place where people will certainly understand here. I'm so sorry for rambling on! Thanks so much for the support I've received at this site, I love you guys LOADS! Kitty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sally Posted September 18, 2003 Share Posted September 18, 2003 Hi Kitty, My heart goes out to you. I too am like a maniac when it comes to my brother's cancer. I sometimes think I worry about it more than he does. And do you know what, I'm GLAD he's not worrying about it. NO-ONE knows what tomorrow holds. You or I could go before him... My own father was diagnosed with lung cancer 9 years ago and, as the eldest of 4 (only 22 at the time) he kept us all believing that there was hope for him all the time. Only my parents knew the whole truth. I'm sure your parents are the same. Looking back now, I think it was the best thing he did. He was so brave and had such strength. He loved us all so much that he didn't want us to worry about it until the time came. As some wise person said to me last week, (Jenny) there's no point in grieving him until he's gone...... Enjoy every moment that's left..... Deep down I'm sure he knows what's going on. As well as that, I think that your parents are from a different generation to us. They don't NEED to know Every Single Detail about everything - let him enjoy what's left and you should too. Take care Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna G Posted September 18, 2003 Share Posted September 18, 2003 Go to the bloch site and you will find very good info on rules families should follow to support LC victims etc. http://blochcancer.org/ good luck Donna G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted September 18, 2003 Share Posted September 18, 2003 Hi, Kitty! I am a great believer in dialogue and I am glad you took the initiative to make it happen. It is an illusion that we can protect our loved ones from pain if we don't reveal our own info and emotions. They are hurt anyway and sometimes more deeply when it is discovered things were kept from them. My wife, after 50 years, still has emotions about her mother shielding her from her dad's illness and death. Of course, her mother thought it was best at the time. I would begin the dialogue, not with a barrage of questions, but inviting your dad to express his feelings, his kowledge, etc. and just let him talk for a while. Have questions written down, and ask them after he has had his say. As you have already shown, continue to show your love, caring and support, with your words and your actions. God's grace to you all. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MSWKitty Posted September 18, 2003 Author Share Posted September 18, 2003 I knew you guys would come through! Thanks so much for the suggestions. I'm taking them all to heart as I go into this. I'll let you know how everything goes. Thanks again. Hugs and kisses. Kitty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest canuckwebgrrl Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Kitty, You're brave and inspirational to try to open up dialogue when your family isn't big into talking about issues & feelings. Your posts have made me think about doing the same in my family. Good luck and keep us posted! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debaroo Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Kitty, I think that it is great that you approached your Dad with the idea of a family talk, and that he was open to the idea is even better. Honestly, I think that you kind of answered your own question with regard to how to start the conversation, you said "I am scared to death of this conversation, because our M.O. as a family has never been to emotionally open up, but at this point that's just not going to work anymore..." That, in a nutshell, I believe is a great way to start the conversation. Then, letting your Dad voice how he feels about what is happening-just as Don said. Sometimes we find that the fear of opeining up is actually much worse than doing it...we tend to build things up and think to much about the "what ifs", what if the conversation goes this way, or what if the person responds that way...it can drive you crazy and keep you all from letting one another know how much you care about eachother. I hope this was of some help. I hope that it all goes well, I think that you are doing the right thing for your family and yourself. Good luck, and please let us know how it goes. Try not to be so scared, follow your heart... Take care, Deb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Looks like tonight is the night.. I feel that inside your father's mind is that he doesn't want anyone to have to go out of their way for him. Some people are like that but when one is dealing with such an illness that type of thinking just doesn't work. this is a family illness and all are involved whether they want to be or not. It affects each and everyone. Your father will be so happy after you all sit down to talk when he sees he has a lot of support and help. He will feel that he is not alone and does not have to be alone. Will be hoping for the best for all of you.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephnewyork34 Posted September 21, 2003 Share Posted September 21, 2003 Your Dad sounds like mine. He only has bladder cancer and it is minor compared to Mom's lung cancer, but he still smokes like a chimney, and it took us "tough love" to get him to stop drinking and also get treatment for the cancer. He still doesn't really acknowledge the fact that he has cancer. So what I did right after Sept 11,(because he was so drunk and in the hosiptal with cancer and other problems that he didn't even know Sept 11th happened) is write him a nasty letter, well a hard letter telling him to starighten up his crap, because Cris (my sister) and I couldn't handle loosing him too. (we lost our brother earlier in the year, non cancer related) and so it took tough love to get him to starighten up. This was just before we found out our Mom (judy had lung cancer. I don't know your dad, but I think you need to tell him staright out, look Dad you need to quit the smoking and let us know what is going on! Good luck, I know it is hard, but sometimes our parents need us to become the parents for a bit. Stephanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephnewyork34 Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 Just thinking about you and wondering if you talked to your Dad yet ? and how did it go? Stephanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MSWKitty Posted September 24, 2003 Author Share Posted September 24, 2003 Hi Stephanie, Thanks for asking. Actually the talk has been put off until this Thursday after his appointment with the oncologist. My mom, husband, and I WILL make it happen this time. He had gone in for his 4th treatment of Gemzar, but his red and white blood cell counts were extremely low. So, the lab techs gave him a booster shot and told him to stay home and away from people for at least 48 hours. (I don't know why he was scheduled for a 4th session anyway. We were told that usually 3 is the most people can take before their immune system is seriously affected. Ah, it's this crazy kinda stuff that keeps me insane ). Anyway, he did as he was told, and then went in to work on Saturday night, only to be around a co-worker with a vicious coughing/ sneezing cold. Of course, he now has that cold! So he's been in bed all day. He's not going in tonight. He is feeling better though. Thursday, mom is going with him to the oncologist. We've decided that this may work a little better with him. Then afterwards, we'll all sit down with the facts. So, wish me luck! Kitty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
natalie Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 Kitty, I can certainly relate to your situation. The one blessing in disguise is dealing with cancer has opened up some dialogue between my mom, dad and I that normally wouldn't happen. We are also a non discussing family such as yours. I think some of it is a generation thing. I can talk about things until I'm blue in the face but my parents have this "I can handle it by myself" sort of attitude. We find out results of a full body PET scan today. I'm just sick to my stomach. Let us know how it goes tomorrow! I wish you the best of luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MSWKitty Posted September 25, 2003 Author Share Posted September 25, 2003 I will let you know how it goes. Thanks for your support Natalie, and let us know how the scan comes out. I'm praying for great results for your mom. Whatever the results of tests and talks, we all know we have such wonderful people here to turn to in times of joy and despair. I love the comfort. Kitty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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