lilyjohn Posted October 21, 2006 Share Posted October 21, 2006 Wow does time pass fast I've come on a few times to answer posts but not often lately. I guess it is time for an update but first I have some news hot off the phone! As I told you all before in December I will become a great grandmother. Well tonight my other grand daughter called and come June I will be great grandmother again! Being a great grandma doesn't seem strange but my son being a grandpa not once but twice does. My trip to meet and visit with my cousins in September was wonderfull. We really hit it off together and I had the best time. The trip going and comming was beautifull. It was harvest time for many of the crops grown in the central valley. I was amazed that I can still tell the kind of orchard by the shape of the trees. I guess that is something that a California girl just never forgets. When I would see the orchards or fields stretching for miles it gave me such a sense of pride but even more I felt the greatest sense of belonging. For so many years I never felt like I belonged anywhere When I got back all of my clients had changed. In fact some had quit our company and I had very little work for a couple of weeks. That worked out great because I got all of the inside of my house painted and made several more flower beds. My life is going very good now. Don't get me wrong here. I still ache for Johnny everyday and in many was I grieve for my ex husband too. Being alone doesn't bother me (this is the first time in my life I have been on my own)missing those I love will always hurt but somehow I feel that I understand it better now. I feel that I know why life put me on the path that led me here. As I once more face the aniversary days of the trauma of Johnny's illness and most of all the aniversary of his death I have found a way to help myself. I don't think of those as his last days any more. I see them as days when he was alive. Days that we had together. I thank God for those days every day. I truly believe that I am living the plan that He has for me. I would never have gotten here if not for Johnny. I've been told so many times that had it not been for me Johnny would have died alone and feeling unloved. That didn't happen. He knew how much I love him. I believe he still does. Had my marriage not ended I would have been there when my husband died. I would have been stuck in a life style that I could never have freed myself from. I would have grown old quickly and probably not lived much longer than Denis if as long. Now my life is so different I do work that I love. I feel that I am making a difference in the lives of the people I care for. No longer is the work hard physically though at times it is still very emotional. I'm doing things that I love with people I love. Wednesday I took a client to the senior center and we played Bingo! I plan on taking her up to the fish hatchery Monday. The Salmon are running and they are saying there are thousands of fish piled up in the creek. Day after tomorrow will be 6 months sense my last smoke. It has not been easy nor has it come cheaply, I have gained 25 pounds and am having a hard time taking any of it off. I have tried to diet but that really never worked so instead I have changed my life style. I'm eating much more healty and I am walking a lot everyday when possible often several days a week. I live in one of the most beautiful areas on Earth. The mountains and evergreens and lakes and now the changing colors of the leaves. Such beauty, such gifts from God. There are days the sky is so blue it doesn't seem real. I rejoice in it. Johnny loved all things connected to nature. He had a deep and abiding love for God. He passed those things on to me and everyday I feel he shares them with me. It has taken me so long to get where I am now. Now I treat myself well because I know I deserve it. I have bought a few things of comfort but mostly new clothes and flowers for my yard. Oh and I can't forget my biggest indulgence I bought myself a beautiful soft red leather jacket I know this is the grieving forum and believe me I am not making light of that. Those of you who have been around for a while know how far I have come. I only hope my finding a sense of peace despite my grief will give hope to the rest of you. I think of all of you and pray for you every day. May God Bless you and give you what you need to make it though each day until someday you can all laugh again. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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