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Skeletons in the Closet


Debi

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Okay, so life was good the other day, glad I wrote about it :roll::wink: .... Time for whining..

My company is giving me an opportunity where I am going to Ohio for a week, possibly longer, the airline ticket is open-ended. I am leaving next weekend. Although there is no monetary reward right now, there is a possibility at least doubling my salary in the future if things turn out well. This is something that I have wanted, and that at times have been prevented from for various reasons, the last 7 years.

So now I am an absolute wreck. The last 2 nights I barely slept because of my fears. I woke this morning with a pain in my midriff, most likely from sleeping 'wrong', but immediately it was cancer in my mind. It started me wondering how I could go out of state alone, what if something happens to me, what if I wake up in the hotel coughing up blood and I end up being admitted to a strange hospital in a different state knowing no one? What if it comes back, or has been here all along, and it kills me in 3 weeks like it sometimes does and I can't get back home to my son? What if I have something in me that will implode when the cabin pressure on the plane increases??

How can I leave my son here while I go there? I was diagnosed when he was THREE, and now he is 7 1/2. Every single day that I have had with him has been a gift to me, and I am always so aware of that. And now I'm throwing 7 of those days, maybe more, away. Only those of us in the cancer world know how important days are, we know how percentages change, how 7 days out of a lifetime seems so little, but then the equation changes and a lifetime isn't as much as we thought it once was- and 7 days take on a whole new meaning.

Then of course, there's the fear of flying that those of you who have seen me travel before, know about. Why is it when you ask corporate travel agents to book you a certain way, they go out of their way to make the longest, most inconvenient arrangements? I gave her 2 airport choices and she said there were no direct flights... I am flying cross country to get there, 2 planes, over 4 1/2 hours of flying time. Meanwhile, today I look on EXPEDIA, and there are 2 direct flights from the other airport I gave her, with flying time of 2 hours 15 minutes on ONE plane, count em Corporate Travel Agent, NOT TWO!! Either way I still am terrified, but halving my terror would've been nice.

Finally, all this insecurity has managed to nibble away at the one place where I DO feel secure, my professional abilities. Now I'm thinking to myself, am I crazy? I can't do this- the whole company will know I'm a failure, I won't be able to pull this off. Everyone will find me out, maybe they are setting me up to fail. I'm starting to feel like Carrie at the prom, with the bucket of pig blood above her.

I know that this will all pass, well, all except the fear of flying. I know that in 9 days I will shove my neuropathy burning feet into my pumps and suck it up, put my prom dress on, pretend I can feel my hands and that my bra isn't killing me and do all I can to wow them up there. But right now I just feel scared, and inadequate. I think in the back of my mind I feel that if something good happens, it will be followed by something bad. Sometimes, its just hard to accept that life can be good.

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You are so right, it is hard to accept that life can be good. Always worrying about the other shoe dropping.

I wish I could take away your fears. I am sure the 7 days will go fast and if it can advance your career and double your salary, you will be doing so much good for your son.

I want to make you laugh, so I am telling you a story here. I always think of your story with the pen at your scans.

I had my abdominal MRI ono Thurs and the man asked "have you had lymph node surgery" in the middle of the scan, when he was about to do contrast. I said "no". Then I said "Why do you ask? Is it something you saw?". He laughed and said "no, it is b/c if you are missing lymphs under your arms, we can't do the die. Boy, you read into everything."

My first thought to myself was I had to tell Debi this story b/c we are both paranoid at times :)

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It's always scary at first, but I've spoken with you, and I know the payoff thats going to come of all of this. We all sacrifice alittle bit of ourselves at times to make things better "later"....and I think because of lung cancer- thinking of "later" is alittle scary and uncertain.

You will do fine, you will be fine, you will miss your boy like crazy but that will only make you work harder to get back to him -or get him up to you. And those hugs and kisses will be even sweeter.

You are one of the toughest chics I know and you will hit this one out of the ball park!

Now, as far as WHERE you are going.....my 2 cents were for Dallas....but I am completely bias and just want you closer to me, NOT further away!!! LOL.

Will be sending loads of positive thoughts to you in the upcoming weeks. I know you will be busy busy but don't forget to keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

Hugs,

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I have all the confidence in the world in you, Debi! But just so you know.................if you need someone ~ I am a SHORT state away and can be there lickety-split....REALLY!

You need to take the advice we always give to all the newbies............step back and take some deep breaths. In the meantime, practice walking in those pumps and check to be sure that prom dress fits properly :wink: !

Will be rooting you on!

Kasey

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Debbi,

I too am part of corporate America and I am sure your company selected you to represent them because they have confidence in you. If this 7 day trip turns out to increase your paycheck, the small sacrifice in time will have been worth it, when you consider how much more you will be able to do for your son with that extra income.

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Hi Debi,

Hey, you need to do this. This is all about getting on with life and those are the things everyone wants and expects survivors to do. It's 7 days, and sounds like a great opportunity for you.

I've traveled for work a couple of times a year since all this craziness happened with us, and it's fine. IF you did get sick, you would just seek out medical people in that city, get treated, and come home, just like anybody else would. Heck, if something does happen, CALL ME, I'm not that far away. I'll come over there and be your advocate and caregiver!!!!! :wink: Then, you'd really be sunk! :P Ok, now I'm reading the other replies to your posts, and I see that Kasey and Ry are ready to swoop in from the East if need be, well, I'm standing ready from the West, so we've got you surrounded...see, you'll be fine!!! :D

Seriously though, I know you'll be fine when the time comes, and this is some jitters coming on. Kick butt in Ohio, I know you can do this! And your little guy, it's not that long. I know you'll miss him, but keep your eye on your goal, which is giving the two of you a good life....

Keep us posted about all this, ok?

Cindy

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Debi,

Sounds like a great opportunity! As to all your fears, look at it this way: You are a lean, mean cancer fighting machine! You have stared death in the face and have came out a winner! You can do this!!! I know you can! Best of luck to you in your endeavour. I know you will do an exceptional job!

God Bless,

Sharon

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Five years from now if you don't look into it you will will wish you did. You'll be fine, your son will be fine. Go to Ohio and find out all the pros and cons and decide if it is a good fit for you or not. Time to take the skeletons out of the closet, bury them and get on with life. You deserve it. Good Luck!

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Debi, I'm sorry you have a bad case of "what if's" -- and I hope it goes away soon and that you'll remember what an awesome, confident, can-do woman you are. You know, it seems like some of the most incredibly capable people go through times of insecurity worse than anything that INcapable people go through. Why is that? No matter, we all know you can get through this (yes, even the flights), and your son will be proud of you for it, and you'll knock the socks off them at work, too.

Hang in there, and remember who you are!

BeckyCW

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I know where you are coming from, Debi. I am always thinking of the "what if's" when it comes to change. It would be a pretty dull world if we stayed put for life and didn't step out on the limb of chance once in a while.

Do this for yourself Debi and like others have said, look at this a a away to further help your son. :):):)

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You rule girl!!!! I know you will do fine.

Breath Deep!! take deep breaths and know the you are a fighter and suvivor you will prevail. I am sure of it!

You certainly have faced adversity before with a demon that is the worse and you beat the hell out of him. This is a great opportunity for you and your family.

And you also know how fast time is, so before you know you will be home with your boy. With good news!!

Your are great.... no problem you will do fine.

Let me tell you something that happened to me. I had this BIG presentation for Proctor and Gamble I was working on for a week, I was to present it too the Marketing Manager of Walmart and he had 13 of his store managers in attendence. Then Joel had that emergency surgury that Monday. The meeting was Thurs, and there was no way I was going to miss it as I worked so hard. It was also early enough at 8:30 in the morning. Anyway I was on a rollercoaster ride all week. I was terrified as this was important and I never spoke in front of strangers before.

Well anyway, I got there on time and met my boss and we went over my presentation. Well, when we went to the meeting room it was empty! I found out that the meeting was the day before. :shock: You could imagine how I felt. Talk about your tale between you legs. All I had to do was call to confirm and I would have realized it was Wed and not Thurs. But I was so wrapped up with everything I did not call.

Anyway, I emailed that particular Market Manager with a letter which (actually Joel wrote, as he is good at that) and I received a response from him. He understood what I was going through with my week being turned upside down. So he promised me he will let me know when the next meeting is.

I have one coming up this Tues. with another Market Manager, but I am completely prepared and got it in writing the exact time and date. This time I called Friday to confirm.

But still I never want to go through something like that again. Between that and Joel it was a devestating day.

But yours will be nothing like that. I just wanted you to know that I know the fear of having to do something out of the norm.

Break a leg girl ( you know I don't mean that literally) and keep us posted.

Will be thinking of you and sending good vibes. :D

Maryanne :wink:

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  • 2 weeks later...

One of our members has the wonderful saying on her profile about the proverbial "other shoe" - "So if we're waiting for the other shoe to drop, does that mean when it finally does, we have a matched pair?"

Gotta love that!!! Go get 'em Debi! You can DO this!!! As for the flying thing....I like my feet on terra firma, too! I think I would have to take a Xanax...then I'd probably miss my flight, or try to get on the wrong one, or.... :roll:

Congrats, and good luck!!

~ Stacey

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