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Just a dark, panicky night I guess.


Treebywater

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I'm panicked tonight.

I keep thinking of when the new baby comes and wondering who in the world is going to be able to come take care of Carolyn while we're at the hospital... with another maybe/probably deployment in the works (and OF COURSE we don't know when), Husband may not even be here...

I can't stop thinking about it, and worrying over it, and stubbing my toe and knocking my head on the fact that my Mom isn't here.

Because the default answer would have been, "Mom will be there. If it looks like Andy can't be there, Mom will make sure she is." Or at the very least I *know* she would have come out as soon as she could after the birth to see the baby and do the gramma thing and help (which she didn't get to do with Carolyn, btw, because she was too sick)... Stubbing toe over, and over, and over again. I think it may fall off.

I keep going through options... People who might work... My aunt? The one who cares so much but flakes out at all the wrong times? My Mother-in-law who... I've come to have a better relationship with in recent months, but who I still just feel very anxious around often? Dad and new lady? Dad would be great but do I want to be hashing through the difficult Dad's new lifelong mate-type feelings when I'm exhausted after squeezing out a baby? Who? These people aren't Mom... and I don't want to feel like I have a 'stand-in Mom there.' I don't want those feelings with a newborn to take care of.

I scan through friends here and none seems like a perfect fit for even staying with Carolyn while we have the new baby. They all have jobs, or babies with major health problems, or are moving....

I just don't know what we're going to do. And I want my Mom. And I want to stop feeling so alone. And I want the being without her stuff to stop hurting so very, very much.

And I want life to look not so uncertain and scary and hard. I want to look forward to this baby coming instead of wondering if we jumped into having another one because I stupidly thought it would help me 'go forward' or 'embrace life' or something that means--push through the grief stuff faster that I should when really it just makes me stub my toe over and over again on the fact that Mom's. not. here.

It's just a dark night. Maybe tomorrow will look better.

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I understand, I really do. I think of the holidays and can't imagine how it will even be without the matriarch here to organize it all so well. That's bad enough, but to have to give birth without my mom is even more inconcievable. My mom was at my sons' births. I just can't imagine it Val, but I wanted to let you know that I hope you find someone to step up and be there for you and Carolyn. Wish it could be me, but you live so far away!

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Can not relate too much, but can offer prayers and, :) now tha the weather is cooler a Big warm fuzzy blanket fresh from the dryer for Comfort 8) Hope this helps some anyhow! Prayers of course

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OH Boy Val...I am seriously OUT OF TOUCH. What new baby? What did I miss, when did this happen? Congratulations, I'm so happy for you and understand what a bittersweet moment in your life it is. I'll be saying a prayer for you.

Love,

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Val,

I'm so sorry. I can't say anything to make it better, only your mom being here could do that. But I can let you know that it does get better and that some how, from deep within, you just do it, you just get through it, and everything works out.

You will go thru times like these and feel such sadness and uncertainty, but you will decide on someone to watch your daughter when it is time to have the new baby.

You will crave your mom to be with you, to help you, to give you support- but deep within you is a strength that you don't even know about- and it gets you thru. You will have the new baby and life will fall into it's next "new" normal.

Remember when your mom was sick and you thought, "surely, I can't handle this. How can I get thru this?" And you felt every second that you would break to pieces at the gravity of it all?

You did get thru it. With the love and strength that lives inside of you. It's more powerful than you know and it is a gift from god that helps us to move forward in life and do the things that we must do to continue living.

I wish I lived closer, I'd volunteer to watch your little girl. Yours and mine would chase each other around the house and drive me up the wall and we'd wait for your phone call to tell us it was a boy or a girl, that you had a healthy delivery and we'd all have ice cream to celebrate.

I can't be there, but there are those who love you who can be. Just let them. No one will ever be your mom, no "replacement" or "stand in" will fill her shoes or that void in your heart. But there are times, when we least want to, that we have to open our hearts and allow others in- even if it's only alittle- to help us in this life.

You are stronger than you realize. I've witnessed it all the way in Texas. Have confidence in yourself and those around you. Concentrate on the joys this time of your life should bring.

I'm sending loads of positive thoughts and prayers. I hope today is a better day.

Hugs,

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I know.

I get it.

We haven't had our family yet. But,we always knew Mom would know what to do. We knew if something happened to us, Mom will raise the kids. We knew mom would have the best advice and our kids would love Mom most of all.

Now I can't even think of having kids. We can't figure out who the guardian will be if something happens to us. I can't imagine this Thanksgiving (my and mom's holiday).

I basically just can't imagine life without her.

I get it.

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Oh (((Val))),

Just my thoughts on the matter.............

Your dear Mama IS here with you. You have spoken of her strength and determination and that is within YOU as well ~ and it is her. Although physically she cannot be present to be with you and Carolyn and step in to do all the Grandmotherly things grandmothers do........her spirit is much more important than that.

So even IF Shari is the one to actually be there with your Dad, accept the help and know that SOMEWHERE your own special Mama is beaming that you are the strong-willed young woman you are and she will be so proud.

You are so very special and Carolyn is so precious, I am certain you will have an abundance of folks more than willing to help out. No, not your Mama, and I am sure sorry about that. And even if I were closer, I STILL wouldn't be your Mama and I would be sorry all over again.

I am proud of you, Val. You are a better woman because of all of this.

Love,

Kasey

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Well... I called Daddy, and he said he will be here, and that he was already planning to be here. He asked if it was ok if he brings his companion (she has already visited here.... and that was ok, and goodness knows I was around her plenty when I was living at Dad's... I just still worry about the emotionally charged nature of THIS situation)... and I said I thought it would be hard for me... but that I think it could be ok.

Mom won't be here... but Daddy will (unless God forbid something ELSE happens) and Carolyn can stay with him... and at least I know I'll have SOMEONE.

Anyway.... I feel a little better, at least....

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Dear Val,

I've been on and off this board...I could not get logged in for the longest time to respond to any posts - technical problems, I guess - and I finally just created another account and it worked.

First of all, I didn't know you were pregnant - congratulations! Life is truly a miracle, as we know. When is the baby due?

A recap - I lost my mom to SCLC on July 28th, and my baby is due on November 5th (her birthday). (God, every time I write or think about losing her, I cannot believe she is gone.) I have a six-year-old boy and three-year-old girl, both of whom worshipped her. She was there for both of their births, and moved right into our house afterward for a few weeks to do her mom/nana thing.

I cried when I read your post. I know that there is nothing like having your mom there when you've had a baby. And I know how you want her there to care for Carolyn as well. I'm so sorry that you didn't get to experience all of that with your mom.

Like you, I miss my mom every moment of every day. I pick up the phone almost every day to call her about something and realize I can't. There is something about not having your mom around as a grandmother to your children - I think it is one of the hardest losses for a daughter, especially those with babies and small children. My sisters and brothers have kids age 14 and up, and as much as they try to compare it, part of me thinks, at least their kids had her for that long, and will remember her and how much she influenced their lives. My kids will never remember the magnitude of the bond they shared with her, and the new baby will never know her at all. You know what, it just plain sucks. And as much as people say she'll be with you in spirit, etc...I believe that to some degree, but it's not enough. It has to be, but it's not. I want her here, holding my hand and crying tears of joy with me as that baby comes into the world. It hurts SO badly.

I'm going to have my dad come over to watch the kids when we go into the hospital...it doesn't sound like that's a great option for you afterward, though. I don't have anyone (in addition to my husband) to stay with me afterward either - I have two wonderful sisters who are local, but both work and have children. I am very lucky in that my husband has decided to take his four alotted weeks of paternity leave - I think he feels sorry for me. But he will spend most of his time with the kids, and my mom was always such a help with me and the baby, and she was able to manage me physically and emotionally. She knew exactly what I needed without me even asking.

What are the chances of your husband being deployed? It sounds like there is a good chance he WILL be there. And if not, don't panic - I bet many of those people you mentioned are LOOKING for a way to help you, and this would be their chance. Even if they rotate a bit. I know, this is just not what you want, and it's so hard with a newborn to have anyone but your mom around - especially while you're a post-partum mess. She just GETS it. Again, I share your fears and I'm so sorry we are living this.

I don't know how far along in the pregnancy you are, but now that I am only two weeks away from delivering, I have been able to ease some of the pain by thinking of this baby as a reality. A precious little piece of our family that needs me, that will give me unconditional love in return for the love I give him/her. I keep telling myself how much my mom would want me to keep it together and would insist that I be there for this baby and my other kids.

I'm sorry to ramble, I don't know what else to say, or if any of this is remotely comforting. Instead of offering comfort, I tend to spend more time commiserating over the pain of it all, and I don't know if that's good or bad. Although I don't find comfort in other people's pain, it does make me feel less alone in all this...and I hope that it helps others feel less alone.

Hang in there...

-Michele

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(((((((((((((VAL)))))))))))))))

I didn't know you were pregnant either. Congratulations!!!!

We would really like to have another but I always think what it would be like to not have mom & dad there. Who will help? How will it feel to not share it with HER?

I am glad you have it worked it out in your head and have a plan. In the meantime I am praying deployment can wait until after the holidays and you have a wonderful delivery. Surely a new baby will be such a postitve and wonderful thing in all this.

You know that feeling of your heart exploding with joy and the rush of love you feel when they plop that new baby on your chest? I am thinking it will lift you so high, even if it just for a moment, high up away from any grief and pain, and it will be beautiful.

Maybe you pregnant girls are inspiring me!

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Okay Val, when did this whole being pregnant thing happen????? I missed it!!!! Congrats on the news of another beautiful child, your Mom will be there Val... she will be watching over that beautiful baby night and day, just as she does you and Carolyn. I just know it. Love, Sharon

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Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone. This little baby is such a blessing that in no way did you rush it...if it was meant to be, it was.

The answers will come to you. As you near that date, you will have those who offer their help, and you will find new support, new friends, and new family.

Having a baby is just flat out scary, but you are a strong woman. You will do an amazing job. Caroline will be a big help for you, and you will be amazed at what you can get done with her little hands grabbing diapers, holding bottles, and kissing you for support.

Dear God, I pray for you loving hands and warmth to surround this family as they travel into a new stage of their lives. May you give them guidance, a strong support system, and of course, the strength to make it, one day at a time, until the path becomes clear.

Bless you.

Jen

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Val I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Having a baby is such a special thing and happiness is the only emotion you should have(except maybe relief that it is over). Your mom can't be there physically but your dad can. Despite his new lady friend he too will be missing your mom being there for the birth. Just try to remember that.

As for your other thoughts everyone has given great advice. I just want you to know that I care and I understand. My mom was alive but far away when my oldest was born. I also had a son due to deploy any day when his daughter was born. It was a toss up what would happen first.

The reason you got pregnant does not really matter. Any child is a beautifull gift. Take that gift and enjoy every minute knowing that your mom would want it that way. After all she will be the baby's guardian angle.

I wish you peace and joy during the very special occasion ahead of you. Lillian

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