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Odd but equally serious!


TamHol

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OK ........... Odd I know but it's our delemia this week! My Dad being deaf and hearing alittle with his hearing aide ADDING the Doctor not speaking directly to his face....

Missed some information which was that the mass has grown from 3.4cm to 4cm ... radiation did very litle, if anything. He told me "from what I gather it's grown very little, if at all. But you'll have to double check with your sister on that, I may have missed something."

We 3 girls know the significants of this from the past comparision. Over 3 months there was a .4cm increase in size without radiation ..... After radiation and in 3.5 months it's grown .6cm. We've been told before that the growth is considered to be slow if it's under 1cm during this time frame. 10 mm in a cm ... we think it's time for us to be "the gurls" and strategise some worry.

Our worry is that given Dad is living his life under the laws of Wayne "just take it day by day and don't dwell". Out of respect of that effort we have not told him his cousin Linda's lung cancer has spread to the brain. A number of reasons why we decided not to tell him that are in the pot. But the general idea is we don't see the reason to bring the "crash" any sooner than needed. It seems like a sin to give him reason to wonder, compare with Linda and worry if we can help it. Don't get me wrong, he knows we are worrying and asks how Linda's doing nearly each week. Not to mention we've been very lucky that this has not brought on a manic episode ... oh my god talk about speeding up the wheels of fate if that happens. It will only take a week for the manic to take control and have him throwing out all his pills cause he "doesn't need them" or "they're poison".

So that's the general situation at hand ...... do we tell him the mass HAS grown and take the risk of any worry to come. It is his body and he doesn't see or treat this illness with a chuckle and smile EVERY day. Or do we just let him keep the knowledge he MAY have "some" growth and leave him "as he is"?

I don't feel like I'm lying to him in any way, I know well what stresses my Dad can take etc. It's hard cause we are juggling a possible manic episode with the general right to know what's happening with another illness.

I'm not asking for right or wrong ......... I guess I'm just looking for a majority vote bigger than the one I have.

Thanks,

Tammy

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Tammy,

Mom knew her cancer was terminal. But I don't think she ever thought it would take her in one month. She wasn't going to go on the internet and read stuff about it.

I however did. I knew before she knew not only was this not treatable, we could only have a month, 2 4 if we were average with treatment.

So we acknowleged the scenario was terminal, we got things "in order".

And then we lived life. Mom lived with the plan to make it through winter to Mother's Day. So she LIVED!!! She didn't "wait". She only made it from Sept 5 - Oct 5. But for the one month she lived.

I thought it was better for her. In retrospect, I know it was.

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My sister doesn't want to hear about what may happen to her..she has this faith that God is going to take it away. I have faith also, I know that God can take it away..I am just not sure that he will. I have tried to tell her things but she doesn't want to know, so I respect that. I think if your Dad wants to know, he will ask. I just tell my sister to tell me what is going on so that I can tell her to call her doctor. Does your Dad keep you informed of all of his aches and pains?

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I agree with Ellen...he'll ask for more details if he really wants to know. You are simply trying to protect him from information that he may not/can not handle. You know him better than we all can speculate and I say trust your instincts. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

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How close is your Dad and his cousin. Does he need the opportunity to see her one more time?

You "gurls" know your Dad...so I say trust your hearts (and guts) and do what you feel is right for him. All we can do is our best.

God bless

Mary

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Yes, trust your heart. IF he truly wanted to know everything, he would. He would find a way to communicate clearly with the doctor and he would ask those tough questions. He did not make it this far in life living in a bubble...he knows what he can handle and he will ask what he wants to know if or when he is ever ready.

For your part, since you weren't in the doctors office and didn't hear for yourself- use that for now...and then follow his cues.

My dad didn't "ask" about his prognosis. ANd I didn't offer anything that I had learned in terms of statistics or other peoples cancer progression.

I did give him hope and talk alot about others who had survived his diagnosis, and it wasn't false hope-because there was always a chance he could too- where there is breath there is life and where there is life there is hope....those others who had survived his diagnosis- they are still here today and they are cancer free- bless them. For him though, it was not meant to be.

Just follow his cues and follow your heart. You girls may need to stick together to get all the information straight and to be his best medical advocates for him to get the best care and best treatments available, but as far as how much he wants or needs to know- follow your heart and leave it up to him.

Keep us posted please. I will keep your dad and your family in my prayers.

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He isn't that close to his cousin Linda. He doesn't like the "in your face" type of situations and is probably why he just asks us. He could go over to his aunt's house (her Mom) to inquire if he really wanted to know.

We want to save "the crash" for when it's completely unavoidable ....... I just don't know if our choice of timing is correct compared to reality of the illness. If there are visits he wants to make and conversations he wants to have ... I'd hate to miscalculate and end up being the reason he missed out on that.

There is a time we'll have to talk to about the enevitable and be "in your face" .... I hated that day once and I'm not looking forward to it again. It's equivelant to telling a kid "there is no Santa Claus" ...

Thanks all,

Tammy

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Oh Tammy,

I wish so much I knew what to advise you. I can see both sides of this. I know the "power of suggestion" is a very strong element in my dad's behavior and demeanor. I pray that you find answers, get ideas, and have strength to get through this difficult time.

Blessings,

Jen

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