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3 months without Mom...


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Hey everyone-

I haven't been great about posting here, I've just been so sad. Tomorrow will be three months since I saw my mom take her last breath. I still can't BELIEVE she is gone forever.

I have a little over a week left until my baby's due date, which also happens to be my mom's birthday. I'm pretty uncomfortable and my OB's have offered to induce me, but this time I just want nature to take its course. And my mom to guide it. This baby came to be in February, a month after my mom was diagnosed, and it was quite a surprise. My husband and I were trying up until December for our third child and after many miscarriages, we were done...too painful. I kept the pregnancy news from my mom for many months b/c she was busy in her battle and I didn't want her to have to worry about me. I made her laugh later on when I told her that while she was upstairs throwing up from the chemo, I was outside throwing up in the bushes at the same time from my pregnancy in order to hide it from her! She was so excited about this baby, this "new life" as she called it. She was the best nana on the planet.

My three-year-old daughter and I were walking through Target last week, and out of the blue she asked me the same question she asks me often, “Can Nana talk?” I told her not really, but Nana can probably talk in Heaven. Then she said, “I’m goin’ to grow bee-yooful wings and fly up through the moon and stars to Heaven, and I’m goin’ to ask God if I can get Nana. An’ if he says yes, then I’ll take Nana and I’ll fly her down with me. Then I’m goin’ to take her to her house, where she can talk to Pop-Pop.” Amazing how you can walk through Target with tears running down your face....

Anyway, I've been doing better than I thought at this stage, I feel like I'm in a state of suspended animation. Mom's on a long vacation and I'll see her soon... I have dreams about her, and she's never aware of what's going on, she just kind of humors me as I hug and kiss her and tell her over and over how much I love her and miss her. I also have dreams that I'm talking to her on the phone but can't quite make out everything she is saying - I wake up with this feeling of desperation.

So that's all...I guess I'm trying to keep it together until this baby comes...and beyond, of course. I miss her SO much. I don't know what I will do without her in that delivery room.

Thanks for listening...

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Just wanted to let you know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your love for your Mom comes through in your words so clearly. I am sorry you have to have the sadness along with the impending joy of your new baby.

Wishing you all the best in the coming weeks. Please be sure and let us know!!

Prayers will continue for you and yours,


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for the loss of your Mom---there is nothing so painful as losing a Mother--

the pain does get better but the ache always remains

may the birth of your new baby remind you of your mom's legacy and bring some healing into your life

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