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That time of year


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I turned all my clocks back. Brian always did that. He liked the marking of season change. He made it fun. He made everything fun.

I am so sore with missing him I can not describe it.

I have a puppy that I got in June. He is a good boy and a loving distraction but a constant responsibilty. I did not think things through very well as it is now hard to get away, which I need to do.

My job, as many of you may remember, has been tenuous at best for 4 years. Our unit was sold by

Textron to a private holding company in June. Friday 400 folks were downsized. Many of my friends and collegues 'got it'. I am safe for now, but safe is a relative term.

My eldest son has been very very ill and had an infection from his sinus cavity abscess to his brain. He has had 2 brain surgeries and a lengthly rehab but seems to be better, though, not out of the woods. Brian would have comforted me in my fearful agony.

Last year Brian was so excited about Halloween. He had a great built in costume since he had his prosthesis instead of his right hand and forearm. By the time it was time for the trick or treaters he was throwing up in the bathroom and weak w/ sweats and shivers. He never got to hand out one of the full sized candy bars he had purchased for the occasion. He was miserable and so was I.

Every day now marks an anniversary of his decline till he died on New Year's Day. I am just sick with remembering and missing and hurting.

I am beyond sad.

I am so so so lonely.............but NOT for meaningless (though well-meaning) conversation, visits and pitying phone calls

I hate being alone.

I hate this way too big house

I hate that all Brian's tools are just as he left them and it is my job to sort and deal w/ them.

I hate that he left me

I hate that we had done all the hard work to make a relationship later in life and then did not get to enjoy the fruits of that labor of love.

I hate my life.

I resent our married friends

I resent that lives go on..................but not mine.

Thank you for letting me write this here.

Now I will give myself a good talking to,pull up my big girl pants and carry on.

Lots of love


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Pat #1, I ache for you!!! I truly do.


Now I will give myself a good talking to,pull up my big girl pants and carry on.

Don't scold yourself. THis is hard, you aren't wrong for saying one single thing that your said (wrote).

#3 a lot of your other points I get as well in some way shape or form. planning for a future that didn't come. Watching life move but my wheels spin in place. Being lonely (just waiting for that phone to ring!). I so get it.

#4 I've just prayed that all other things life is throwing at you right now...work...your son...the season. I've prayed that God is present with you and gives you the strength and help you need at this time.

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OH (((((PAT)))))

Oh sweetie, like Don I have no real advise for you. I know I have been there too. The last three months before Randy died will always be in my mind. The first year was so filled with those memories of all we had been through the previous year. It seemed each day brough a new "anniversary". Just another painful reminder of what I lost when he died.

I am so sorry you are hurting so...it is heartbreaking and there is no way around it. We each go through this in our own way as you well know. Somehow we find our path and just walk it. I pray that there will come a day when you have peaceful memories. Ones that can make you smile without hurt.

You and your family are in my prayers. I know how much Brian fills your soul.

Much love.


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Pat....I do understand (simply said). My heart breaks for you! Please know that the walk becomes a bit easier as time goes by. I'm saying prayers that God will hold your hand and make things easier for you with each passing day.

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How lucky you are to know such a wonderful love. I cannot imagine your pain right now. It is just so unfair that you lost such a loving wonderful man.

One day at a time... and may the Lord wrap you in his loving arms and give you comfort.


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I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I understand all those feelings because I felt them too when I lost the love of my life 6 years ago. I can tell you that although you may never get over the loss of your love, eventually you will be able to smile at your memories and be grateful for them. Until that time comes, I am praying for God to give you the strength you need to carry on.

God Bless You,


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My dear friend, Pat,

I, too, really get it. I really do get all of it from the tools, to the big house, to a sick son. I don't want to take care of all those things by myself. I need my Don to be here, to take over, to be the strong one, and to be the one in control. Sometimes I even find myself getting mad at him for leaving me here all alone to deal with all these problems. That feeling passes quickly, but the problems and the loneliness remain.

Like Sue, I'm not much comfort, either, but please know that you are not alone.

I just try to cope the best I can. I find release in helping someone else through something they are dealing with anytime I can - other than death of a spouse because I'm not too good at that one yet myself. Maybe you can find some outlet like that, too. There are plenty of people out there that need your ears, your wisdom and years of experience coping with all of life's blows that are inevitable. I believe we're put on this earth to serve, Pat, and we only find real happiness when we are serving others.

The pain we are feeling, Pat, is unlike any other pain we've ever had in our lives. The only way I've found to escape it, so far, is by keeping busy and trying to focus on helping someone else. If I succeed in helping only one person, then I feel like God has left me here on this earth because He needs me here. I pray that you, too, will find such an outlet. You have so much to give - you gave to all of us time and time and time again here on this board. Giving is what you are all about. That's what Brian was all about, too.

I pray that you will find love again, Pat. I'm not talking about the love that you and Brian had. I'm talking about love in general: love for life and love for others. There is sunshine coming to us through the dark clouds, but we can only find it when we look up and seek it. Look up, honey, and keep looking up. If you will, I will.

Love and hugs,


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I wish you didn't have to go through this. My heart aches for you. You are so lucky to have had the love that you had with Brian. Try to remember that. I can't even imagine what you must be going through, I wish there was something I could do. Just know that we are all here for you....

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Oh Pat, this was such a hard felt post to read and to see responses from Beth, Peggy and people who are going through this. And you have this added pressure with you son. So sad, so hard.

I can only send you meditation prayers for strength. I know that Brian looks down upon you and just wants to embrace you in those strong arms of his.

I wish I could say something to help you through your pain. It hurts me just to read your post as I feel helpless and afraid that one day I may be there. It scares me too, but I can't and won't allow myself to even consider that possibility.

You have always been religious person, please know that G-d will help you through this.

You have been so strong, it is understanable for you to feel so alone. But please let friends and love ones help you through this.

You know we are ALWAYS here for you!!!


Maryanne :cry:

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear Pat,

It's good you were able to vent on this board. I have much compassion for you since I too am a surviving spouse - for almost two years now.

With that said, I firmly believe it would be beneficial for you to now sit down and write out a list of all that you are blessed with. We all have something. I really believe that we attract to ourselves more of what we think, and by thinking of what we hate can keeps us very down.

Just sharing what I've found is working for me. It's worth a try, as I believe we were meant to live joyful and peaceful lives while on this earth. Something our spouses have already attained.

My best to you and all of us who use this forum.


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Your words are what I feel. Peggy's words "The pain we are feeling, Pat, is unlike any other pain we've ever had in our lives." The pain is so hard.

I am trying so hard to seek avenues to channel my pain away, other times I embrace the pain and just feel it.

You are not alone on this path. Look to the side and I am walking with you.


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