Jump to content

Helpless and Negative


lc46

Recommended Posts

Oh Dar, so sorry.

Have you called hospice? I know they not only are there to assist the patient, but also the families. We never had the opportunity to call in hospice, but we had talked to Mom about it, and she knew it was a good thing. The day we made the call to start the ball rolling was actually within her final 24 hours.

So I am not speaking from experience, just what I believe hospice could do for your entire family.

Here is an idea though just to boost your mom's spirits...is there a time of year she loves? Something she loves to do.

My mom loved thanksgiving (our holiday) I would have "bumped it up" and say we're doing regular thanks giving too, but let's live every day exactly how we'd like. Mom also loved spring, I would have bought some bulbs, planted some winter indoor bulbs so she could do her "springtime thing".

Just an idea...again, not personal experience, but if I were face with the challenge, that's what I would have tried.

All the best to you.

Nick

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dar, I'm so sorry for your situation.

My first reaction is to suggest talking to your Mom's dr about some antidepresants. My Mom went through a tough time just before starting treatment. She told me she felt like she should just be able to snap out of it, but couldn't. She couldn't get motivated to go to the doctor to talk about some medicine to help her get through it. Your Mom is likely the same. I'd say it's worth a try. If your Mom had pain, they'd give her pain medication, this is just another drug used for treatment.

Hoping things can turn around for you and your family.

Shauna

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am not a doctor, but it sounds like your Mom is a bit depressed and may be giving up already. The day I was told I had a stage 3 cancer; My Oncologist wrote a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug. Of course, I told him I wouldn’t need it, but he suggested I keep the medicine on hand; “just in case”. He was right; I have found the anxiety can be almost unbearable when waiting for test results and the drug has helped me get through those days and still function. I gather from the others on this board, that it is very common for the doctors to prescribe anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs to the patients and even some care givers. I think if you took a survey you would find lots of us patients have found value in these drugs. They may help your Mom as well. Talk to her doctor.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Speaking from the patient's perspective, I can empathize with the difficulty your Mom is having dealing with her terminal diagnosis. It's a really hard blow to cope with along with feeling crummy from the chemo coupled with the changes in her life.

I am one of those "cup is 1/2 full" people and I was able to deal with my original diagnosis without anti-depressants. When my cancer started growing again, I asked for medication to help me deal with my feelings of anger and sadness. I know that the Lexapro has been a HUGE help for me - I knew I couldn't snap our my my bad feelings and attitude. An anti-depressant might also help with the anxiety/panic attacks too.

My daughter and son-in-law have moved in with me and we had to set some good rules about what they can and can't do for me. I know that they want to take care of everything for me, but I also know that if I don't have anything to do, I am going to feel useless. So as long as I am physically able to help, I have my list of chores to do as part of the family. Perhaps if you give your Mom some responsibilities (based on her ability) and express how important her assistance and input is, you will motivate her out of her helplessness.

Can you print up some of the survivor stories here that can give her some hope? Or get her to the computer on Wednesday evening when we have the Survivor's Chat? Knowing that she is not alone and that there are others living with lung cancer might also be of some help to her.

I know you are doing your best as her daughter and caretaker and it's hard to see your Mom so negative. I am really sorry that you have to deal with all this.

Consider yourself gently hugged,

Pam in FL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry that all of this is happening. You are a good daughter to her. I would look at anti-depressants. They could help alot!! It helped my mom! My mom was a 1/2 empty type person before as well. I wish that she were more of a fighter w/ this!! WE can help fight for them!

I love the pic of the puppy! I'm sure he brings laughter to the family!

Thought and prayers are with you.

Kelly :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sure she is bound to be depressed. I think everyone is at first until it is decided that it is time to get their boxing gloves on and fight. If your mom was only dx a month ago, the shock and fear are probably at the forefront of her mind right now.

Accept the help from your brother. You are right-you can't be there with her at all times, but if you have other people willing to sit with her or help you out with anything, take the help so you can better care for your mom and yourself.

I'm sure you are doing a great job. Keep talking, it helps too!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Dar,

I'm glad the medication is helping your Mom and her (most likely) depression over this illness.... She may or may not share the same positive outlook as you, but it's great that you try. Even if she never fully becomes as positive as you don't take it as an insult. Maybe there is a personal belief she has that explains it all. For now she is still in shock over this and learning to deal and letting this new obstical settle in her own mind. We can only do what we can with the tools and information we have at the time .........

Leave her with the dog often ... All dogs have a way of shinning a light where things are dim!!! :-)

Tammy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Dar,

I just want to say how sorry I am about your mom. It is so difficult to have to deal with this illness and the dark emotions it brings as she stares mortality right in the eyes. To say it is frightening is an understatment. Even my husband, who was a fighter and an upbeat positive person had moments of fear and anxiety. Especially the beginning. The first 1-2 months were so filled with tears and grief. One month is not a lot of time to process and deal with the feelings she is having. It is also not a lot of time for you to have had to adjust to this new situation as well. Give your mom time, and be gentle and loving. Keep providing her with stories of hope and successes, and in time they will sink in past the fear and give her a ray of light.

Also the medications should help some, but they too need time. The average anti-depressant takes 3-6 weeks until it builds to full potency in the body.

You've both been delivered a severe blow. Only time and love can heal this wound to her heart and her emotions as well as yours. Be extra patient and extra loving right now, she is hurting. Being loving is one thing in life you will never look back on with regret.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry I missed this update yesterday. I can't really add to what's already been said. Offering lots of hope and inspiration, being there for her, getting anti-depressants (not all of them work, by the way, you might have to try others) and talking about things and doing things that make your mom happy are all things you've probably thought about yourself or tried already.

I know my dad was depressed, although he never uttered a word. His life was turned upside down by this dx., how could he not be depressed/sad/scared/anxious/apprehensive/....etc...

There was an obvious change in him after the first several months though, when the gravity of everything had sunken in and we had gotten into a routine and used to this new (crappy) "normal" that had become our life. Things began to make him laugh again, he smiled more and was happy to be taken out or seeing visitors. He began to believe in HOPE again and he enjoyed every good day he could. I'm grateful for that.

It's might take your mom some time....I know that doesn't make it any easier for you though....

We are here for you, keep posting, keep venting....we really do get it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just read the posts...I know it can be frustrating. My mom recently told me she is "mourning her loss on independence" and she feels "her life is not her own". I can only imagine the pain and sadness she must be feeling. I hope your Mom finds some joy somewhere in this. May I suggest any book by author: SARK (I find it very inspirational).

Candy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She sounds scared. Try to arrange for a person to stay with her when everyone is gone from the house, as Lori said.

Keep asking her if she wants to do anything, go out, whatever. Even if she continues to decline offers to get her out of the house, keep asking, because she may one day change her mind but wait for the offer!

I am so sorry about all of this. Your entire family has been turned upside-down. Bless you for caring so much!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She said when I feel good I want to do things and not sit in and be depressed.

This is wonderful news! I know with some people, letting them know that others have it worse- yet are STILL surviving, and have a fighting spirit- helps to motivate. It did for my dad anyway.

While we can't predict who will respond to treatment and who won't, attitude and HOPE play such a huge part of surviving cancer.

I hope there are more good days like yesterday. It's so hard for everyone, but we get thru it a moment at a time, with each other.

Do keep posting. Prayers for you both.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.