Living in constant fear of the other shoe, or boot

[Andrea]

I am not writing this for sympathy, etc. I really do feel blessed. I am writing this in case others feel the same way, they can know they are not alone.

I am not a normal person. I mean I never was But now I am a full blown loon.

I am planning a trip to Hawaii in January and I have decided to finally invite the whole family out to see my new home Thanksgiving time. Therefore, I am super worried that by making plans for things, I am jinxing my biopsy results and blood work I had yesterday My mom said that is beyond abnormal behavior and she is ready to smack me I do know I can always cancel things.

I am convinced next week will be bad b/c if I think good it will be even worse. I feel I jinxed the cruise and family visit by planning while results are pending.

In Aug 2003 I got engaged, I said life was too good. Nov 3, 2003 my mom got diagnosed.

August 2006 I said things were turnng around, my mom stayed out of the hospital for a full year. Sept 2006 my dad gets lung cancer.

I hear people planning trips and events a year in advance. I am like how does ANYONE plan a year away? So much can happen. I will never be even semi-normal again.

My secretary (whom I adore, we are VERY close, she is the third person called after each doctor visit) said she is glad that I never get mad b/c many attorneys do. I said it is not life or death. I don't even react anymore to things normal people do b/c it just isn't important in the grand scheme. I guess that is one good thing to come out of this :)

[Linda661]

Andrea:

I really wish I knew what to say to you dear friend since I came aboard here......but, yes, I could give you a big boot in the butt sometimes.......live life girl!!! Make plans, enjoy the day....and if things change, well, find yourself adaptable to that (it's really OK to adapt to changes).

I swear you seem to attract the not-so-nice twists to you.....just stop that now by stopping your constant thinking it's gonna' happen.

Hugs and kisses to you -- dream big and expect it to occur for once!

Linda

[Mskim]

(((ANDREA))))

I had a hard time planning anything also. Now that she is gone I still feel a littel paralyzed.

We did plan, as a matter of fact, we had a houseboat rented for the last week of July for our entire family and it was a trip that my mother planned for her retirement. She was living for that trip and sadley it didnt happen. It is all paid for and awaits us when we are ready.

Just make the plans, but be realistic and buy tickets and make reservations that can be changed (sounds like you did) should you be needed at home or whatever.

Regardless of your results, I know you will have a wonderful Thanksgivng surrounded by your family.

I always regret asking "how can things get worse", I think I am jinxed too, we are all a little nuts here. Cancer and tragedy makes us looney. It is the new normal.

I am praying for everything to be okay with you. Praying that God will give us all what we need to get through this.

Boy I don't mean to sound gloomy.. I'm sorry, I just want you to know that you are as NORMAL as the rest of us, and you are not JINXED!!

Kim

[Nick C]

That seems natural for some reason.

I wonder why it is we fear our actions can bring about a completely unrelated negative circumstance?

But I will pray for you tonight that all tests come out well. I look forward to seeing your test results in the good news section!

God bless.

[Andrea]

Thanks, it is good to know I am not alone.

I am not as bad as I might expect to be, I am living. But I am ALWAYS paranoid about jinxing things and what will happen next. Even with the surrogate embryo transfer, who knows if that will jinx things

An example of living, on Friday after the surrogate embryo transfer my mom took me to Chico's and we spent a lot of money on clothing. I lost some weight and needed a few new things and my mom got so excited that I fit into some Chico's stuff that she didn't necessarily consider how much it would all cost I said "mom, should we do this, it could jinx things" and she just gave me a look

Skinny people cover your eyes b/c you won't undertand. Anyone with a weight problem will understand the enjoyment of being able to wear a regular size 14

PS--The saleslady at Chico's was saying how cute my mom is and I have to brag that she is a survivor. It turns out the saleslady lost her husband to LC at age 35 She smokes and my mom begged her to stop b/c it can't hurt to take pre-cautions. Of course someone could tell us to not eat cookies, same thing.

[bauner95]

Andrea,

I have been waiting for that shoe too and it dropped yesterday. I wonder if that is why I feel like I haven't reacted to the news because I cried some, but not like the first time. I guess I have been living the last year just waiting for it to come back.

I have to say live. Now that it has returned, I wish that we had done things that we did not do. Who knows what next summer will be like for us, so I am sorry that we did not do more. So plan whatever you want, but make sure you can reschedule or cancel if you have to!

[Maryanne]

Andrea, Andrea, Andrea, what are we going to do with you???

Get a life... girl... stopped putting these jinxy thoughs into that beautiful head of yours.

What will be will be, but you have to live your life. Any survivor will tell you that. You must drive your mom and dad crazy. They just want you to go!! Make plans... like the Nike saying. "Just Do It". Eveything else can wait.

You know you can stop that shoe from falling, you just have to catch it.

Love ya, your the best... a bit paranoid but still the best!

Maryanne

[dchurchi]

Andrea,

I used to feel a little the way you do, then a very

wise social worker told me to plan away. If things get canceled so what, but the alternative are some very exciting trips and many many memories.

yes I did end up cancelling some trips when

Alan had brain mets, but on the flip side after the brain mets we have taken some of the most

amazing trips, we have done a few things we probably

would not have and we are having the time of our lives

[trish2418]

Wow, what a timely post for me. I'm at the point now in my treatment where I'm beginning to leave my comfort zone -- I've limited myself during treatment to work and very short treks to the grocery store, my daughter's dance performances, and an occassional dinner out with my husband. Now I'm ready to step out solo and get active in the community again. The first step was poll observation for early voting in Miami (Imagine!). I'm also observing on Election Day. After that, Im getting involved with The Wellness Community here and doing volunteer work for Relay For Life -- my onc is very involved with that event.

Now that I am beginning to have confidence in my recovery, I want to do everything I can to make it a life well lived. I'm so very grateful for the second chance and I'm determined to make it count.

So, Andrea, like the others have said, Live Your Life! Make plans, have good expectations and make sure to enjoy the day.

Trish

[TamHol]

Everything you've said is true .. the good the bad and the ugly. I guess it's about not giving in when people make plans .... I know my Dad wants to plan a trip "home" for next year. All I heard in my head is "ya if you make it threw the winter" ..... but it's all about the pleasant thought. It's the excitment that you feel knowing something grand is coming around the corner. Why deny yourself that feeling, thought or thrill of making the plans and watching them take shape? It's the best feeling in the world and even if it's never done ... you still had that. And as far as I'm concerned .... you didn't give in! There is always time for reality ... there's very little time to play!

Tammy

[Andrea]

I really appreciate hearing from others how you feel. It is so nice to have a place where we can say how we really feel.

You know, my dad had a chest xray in June 2006 before he spent a fortune on a new pool with aqua shield to use it all year round. We were told he was fine. His shocking diagnosis came mid-construction and he still is looking forward to that pool (I of course wondered if spending all that money would be a jinx )

We booked Hawaii with trip insurance. We are going January 1. First it was going to be early December and I was like uh no, I have cookbooks to ship out

[Kasey]

Well, Andrea, and all others in the same boat. 2-1/2 years ago Fred and I had an extensive master bath renovation planned. First I got hit with a very severe herniated disc which put the bathroom on the back burner. We had no sooner brought it forward again, and I was dx with LC. Bathroom remodel was taken off the table......permanently...... since I was not supposed to survive. Well, I was offered surgery down the road, but still no bath remodel since I felt I was still probably not going to make it.

Here it is all this time later and throughout that time kept deciding against spending $$$ on a project I probably would not be able to enjoy. Well, FINALLY, we said to each other: we are here NOW. We can enjoy that bathroom NOW. We are NOT going to sit around and wait to not be here any longer. So we went ahead with plans. And you know what? Fred was dx with prostate cancer. And we went right ahead with the bathroom in spite of it. We are living TODAY!

I remember Snowflake saying for 2 years she just worried and fretted. Then at the end of that time she looked back and could have just kicked herself for wasting all that time. At least it went SOMETHING like that. And I remembered that. There are very wise people here.

We LOVE our new bathroom. I can SIT in the shower!!!! It is beautiful and functional and we are here to enjoy it. Guess I kinda got off topic a bit, but those of us on this website just gotta enjoy whatever it is we have as best we can and live our lives while we can......even though it may be a different life than what we imagined it would be. So here's to all of you and your own bathroom remodeling. May you enjoy!

Kasey

[j's girl]

I think we all know how quickly life can change and how permanent those changes can be. I have a small business and sometimes take bookings a year in advance. I recenly had a wedding inquiry for August of next summer and thought "How can I know what my life will be like next summer?" A year ago I never would have thought that I'd be without my Mom in my life. I guess we learn not to take anything for granted!

I had a wedding booked on September 9. This client is a close friend of the family and when they booked me, they said not to worry, if anything happened to Mom, they wouldn't expect me to be there. On August 31, I thought to myself, "We made it!" The wedding was a little over a week away, I had just seen Mom and she was stronger than she had been in months. That was the day that Mom passed away.

I'm learning the hard way not to take anything for granted.

Shauna