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Some things to share


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Hi everyone

I have a few things to share with you. I haven't been coming here too often because I just haven't had the time. I haven't forgotten you but life seems to get in the way a lot.

No I am not back to wroking none stop like I was this time last year. I guess I can say that I am busy living. I had so many major changes and losses in such a short time that I didn't think I had any more life to live. I thought after Johnny died that my life would be only about getting through each day. I couldn't imagine really enjoying life again.

My life has made a complete turn around. Man even as recent as 6 years ago if someone would have told me where I would be and what I would be doing I would have laughed at them. I guess the laugh is on me. My marriage ending started me on the path of change. When Johnny and I ended up together again after so many years of no contact I thought that was what my life was all about. Being with Johnny was the answer to the question "Why do I always feel like I'm waiting for something". Then after only 5 months he was gone and I was adrift again but no longer waiting. I just thought my life was to all intents and purposes over. I have come a long way.

Those of you who have been here awhile know not only how bad I was doing emotionally but finacially as well. Slowly with help from people here and my church and neighbors and a few very special friends I was able to pull myself up out of that deep depression. In February I started getting my SS so I don't have to work so much and at the same time my work started getting easier.

I have a good relationship with all of my clients. I can put myself in their place and treat them the way I would want to be treated. My boss saw that and started keeping me for the jobs that require an emotional or mental connection. Jobs that require very little if any housework. That is where I am now.

As of today I have only one client. I care for her three times a week for 4 hours or more. My job is to keep her busy and keep her using her mind and body so she does not lose their function. So I take her fun places and we do fun things. Last week it was a drive to the fish hatchery and another to the new Veterans Cemetary not far from here.

On Friday we started painting classes at the senior center. I could never make anything that resembled art but I find that oil paints are more forgiving than other mediums. You can actually tell what I have painted :shock:

Last night I treated myself to something special. Because of the distance to town and the dark mountain road between here and there I miss a lot of things I would like to do. Last night the Country group Diamond Rio were performing in Redding. I made up my mind I was going. So I ordered my ticket several weeks ago and got a perfect seat. I decided that I would rent a room in town for that one night and make a real day and evening of it. It was great!

I had my favorite meal at Red Lobster then went to my room. I was ready by four thirty and my show didn't start until seven so I decided I could afford a few dollars at the casino while waiting for the show. By the time the show started I was ahead a little. Not only was the show awesome but something special happened too.

Before going I was really wishing Johnny could be with me. We got to do so few things together and music was one of our mutual loves. So I said Johnny go with me and give me a sign to let me know you are there.

There are two of Diamond Rio's songs that have special meaning for us. The first is the one "just one more day". I had told Johnny that ten thousand life times would never be enough for us. One day when talking out loud to him I asked if he was missing me too, if he still loves me. At that very minute "Just one more day" came on the radio.

Their song "I believe probably saved my life more than once those first months after loosing him. So last night I asked if he were there with me to give me those two songs together. I got what I asked for in a different way than I expected. When I went to the place where they were selling their products to buy a t shirt I just happened to glance down at the far end of the table. There were two pieces of sheet music with the lyrics for sale. There they were right together "Just one more day" and "I believe"!!! I was thrilled and did feel him with me the rest of the night.

This morning I went by the grocery store then came home. I drove in the driveway just at the right time because FED EX was here delivering my new computer. I am so excited now if I can just figure out how to get it all hooked up and use it. Imagine I will have word. No more misspelled words.

So as you can see my life has really turned around. All of the heartache led me here to a place that is so beautiful right now that it takes my breath away every day. I have so many new friends and a job that is more fun than work. I'm doing things like painting and concerts that I never dreamed I would be able to do.

As hard as it is to accept I have finally come to believe that all of the hard things in my life and all of the loss I have suffered have been to get me to where I am now. I don't know how I could ever deserve so much but then I remember. We are not given things because we deserve them but through the Grace of God.

There are two more songs I want to mention. Three weeks ago in church we sang a song I had never heard before. When I heard it I said "that is my song" and it really does seem written for me. It goes like this

Something beautiful, something good. All of my confusion He understood. All I had to offer Him was brokeness and strife, but He made something beautiful of my life

The other is part of a new song that Diamond Rio sang last night. That song addresses the losses we suffer in our life. The name of the song is God only cries for the living. The first few words are on my tshirt. I will be waiting eagerly to hear it on the radio and find the lyrics to copy. The first two lines are like this

God only cries for the living 'caise they are the ones so far from home. All the angles up in Heaven don't cry because they're gone.

Wow what a powerfull message that is.

So any way that is how things are going for me. In time all of you will also find some peace and meaning to life again. Believe me it has not been easy for me. There are still days that I cry but at the same time I have learned to trust God. He seems to know what I need a lot more than I do. So grieve when you need to and laugh when you can. Look around you at all God has given us and know that you are not alone and as painfull as it seems there really is a reason for the pain you are feeling now. God bless you all.

When I get my new computer up I hope to spend more time on here. Right now it takes so much time getting on line and to the board that there is no time left to read or post.

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