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sad sad day


Mskim

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I don't know why.. maybe its the torrential rain. I just long to talk to my mom. It hurts so badley I just don't know how to get on with the day. I am going to ramble now!

When you heard that your (loved one) had cancer, did you ever think that this is what would happen? When my mom came down with pneumonia, just before memorial day in 05, they did a chest xray and said there was a spot... after she recovered from pneumonia the spot remained. I remember the pulmonologist called with biopsy results and said well, as far as lung cancer goes this isn't the worst. He said maybe some surgery and some radiation and you'll be good to go. Not a month later the oncologist went over her pet scan and gave us a 3b.... so much for that little tumor. Then came that "lets do an MRI just in case" and by the 4th of July she went from a little tumor to stage 4, mets to brain. Of course it was there all along, not like it spread in a month, they just didn't know.

WHy do I continue to analyze this? Why does every detail of every day stand out in my mind and wreck my heart a thousand times over?

One day we were walking through a craft store... we were knitting together and needed more yarn.

She stopped, turned to face me and pushed her forehead against mine. We just stood there in the middle of the aisle with our heads pressed together. SHe said I love you Kim. She pulled her head up and turned away. I want to go back there.

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"Mskim"].

WHy do I continue to analyze this? Why does every detail of every day stand out in my mind and wreck my heart a thousand times over?

Kim,

I read this and thought, "because that's where you are in this...." I had that same question over and over and over again. I just felt insane because it felt like every moment for months and months was about Mom--about her illness, about her death, about her diagnosis.... looking at it over and over and over again. I'd think of different things at different times and think that I'd just be taken over and wonder if I was "ok" and wonder if it would ever be different.

I am not one who says, it gets 'better' or 'easier.' The hard days are still hard... But I will say that a smaller percentage of my days now are devoted to reliving those things. That DOES NOT mean that I've let them go, or forgotten them, or gotten over them. I never will. But... I'm able to let more of life in. You are going to get there too, and it might sounds scary now because it soundsn like you'll lose that much more of her. But you won't. It's all still there for me, but I can walk with it.

I can tell that your Mom loved you, Kim. And you were such a good daughter to her. Hang in there. It just hurts so badly.

(((((Kim))))))

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((((((Kim))))))

Try and remember that your dear mom now keeps her forehead pressed agianst yours all the time! She'll always be right there with you. I know that doesn't seem like much comfort right now. I know how much you want to talk to her and put your arms around her. There are a few things I learned to do that seemed to help a lot when I lost Dennis. The one thing that seemed to help the most was writing down what I was feeling in the form of letters to him. I always felt as if he knew just what I was writing. I kept all of these letters in a journal and I still go back and read them from time to time. Those letters help me to realize how far I've come and how much I have healed. There are days that I still pull out those journals and write in them. It just seems to be a good way to pour out my soul to him. I'm saying a prayer that your days will get brighter.

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Try and remember that your dear mom now keeps her forehead pressed agianst yours all the time! She'll always be right there with you.

Ann is right. She will always be with you. And I understand. I want to go back "there" too. Your post made me cry. I'm sending a gentle giant hug your way.

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I feel your pain. Just yesterday I was remembering that my mom time to time would what me to seat on her lap. I would say” mom I am not a baby anymore I have 2 kids myself, I am to big to still seat on your lap" Now I would give anything to seat on her lap. Everyday I go over it and think, was anything different I could have done to save her life. Maybe I shouldn't have call hospice, they started giving so much morphine. She just slept the entire time and she never open her beautiful eyes again. I am sorry I have to stop writing because I am crying to much right now.

Take care! so much pain I know how you feel.

Martha

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Martha, calling hospice was an expression of love. Peace and comfort for Mom.

I am speaking with a friend at work whose mother, yes, stage IV w/ brain mets and other stuff (which seems unbelievable to me). I told her none of the choices involve a magic pill which makes you all better. Every choice in treatment (or no treatment) lead to eventualities you just don't want. So whatever choices are made, never beat yourself or the patient who chooses up for them.

Don't ever blame your having hospice giving mom pain medication for the reason he is not here now. The disease took our mothers, not the choices made after the disease was already there.

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BIG WARM BLANKETS AND PRAYERS FOR YOU!!!! I get it. I really do. Understand the bad days and the good days. There aill be lots of them. It is good to have the memoreies of a lost loved one. That is one thing no one will ever be able to take away from us. I have them all the time still too.

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Oh, I get it too. Some days, like today are absolutely unbearable. I want to go "back to those days." I am in Utah seeing my dad and the snow has started. This time last year, we were fighting so hard. I was eight months pregnant and huge in my down coat...and my mom would just smile and laugh and tell me "you are my little snowgirl, you always will me."

With the holidays coming, I say a huge prayer for everyone who has lost someone and for everyone who is going through this horrendous journey.

Love to you and know that you are not alone...your feelings are understood.

Holly

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