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I feel expendable


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I'm always the last one to be thought of ......... why? When my Mom was around I always heard "Tammy can deal with this stuff, someone else can't". Although it's true and I'm not sentimental and logic plays in everthing I do .... I still would like the offer! I Often say "I'm OK, you help them, they're having a worse time" ........... but they never come back to me. I didn't say I don't want the help EVER, I just said I'll wait. Now that I'm 35 I've been taken out of the loop .... My Mom died sitting right beside me while I watched TV ... not a peep came from her, she tickeled my foot before she left. That tickel made it all OK, our talks before of "preferrance if I were to die", I knew it was OK. So I've never had a problem with that day ....... everyone else seems to and I don't understand why. It was the way it was supposed to be, what she wanted and what I wanted to give her and was happy to do. No one but me looks at that day the same as I do, or other situations that have come up. And now they've all decided "Tammy needs nothing, she has her logic and thick skin ..... she'll be fine."

I'm not fine, there is not logic to why my sister has to drink after vowing as kids we never would. I'm ticked by that, she knows what it did to our parents and what we thought of them. I'm mad that my Dad has to endure so much physical and emotional pain over his lifetime and all that man ever did was try hard. He never wanted more than his fair share of a good life ... and the past 20 years has been sh**. So much so he never blinked an eye at cancer ... it's all just another day. And why when I pace because I have so much built up am I still waiting for that one person to come back and say "OK, it's your turn ... your the one that needs the most now". Do I honestly never get to the point? I don't know, I don't know where that point is but when it's there it breaks you. I don't want to get to that point anymore than anyone else ......... I feel like I'm being dangled out to dry as the test monkey.

It's been this way for so long I have people I can call and dump on ........ It's something we've been doing with each other for years and understood. They call, you go! So that's tomorrow ....... but those people are friends of mine ... not my family. My family has always easily forgotten me, they've blamed it on "but you never ask", or "you always do better on your own and we just figure you'll do it again." Whatever, I don't ask anyone to agree, think or rationalize the same way I do .... just need a face to look like it's listening.

All the ducks are in a row, but the one that puts them there .......... is expendable and easily left behind. I'll always do my "job", and they are usually honest and say "Tammy does way more for us than we do for her." They get mad at things that I don't even think is important on my behalf ... but they have no clue when is the right and needed time. And that just ticks me off ....... cause they don't know ... and they stopped asking!

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Well, you took your turn today and I'm glad you did. You need to express yourself to supporters, and we are here for you. Often, families cue off past behavior and assume a lot. You need to ask for what you need.

When my wife became ill with lung cancer, neither she nor my daughter thought I could handle taking constant care of her. From past experience, they were right. But I rose to the occasion, and took very good care of her for the 4 years she lived with LC. I understood why they were reluctant and I just did what I needed to do and they could see I was capable. Hang in there. You recognize your need for support and that is a start. Now put out signals to your family that you do need your time. Blessings. Don

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Hi Tammy. I am not a caregiver .... I am a hopeful survivor. I hope you do not take this the wrong way, as a matter of fact just DON'T take it the wrong way. I have always been a very strong and independent person that was to proud to ask for help and led other to believe I was the rock and needed no one and nothing. I am not sure if you have put this front on for people in the past but it so it is time to tear down those walls and ask for what you need. Very few people can read our minds and are more than happy to help if we can just admit that we NEED them. I used to detest the word "need" but cancer has taught me patience and the ability to ask for help. You are in my prayers.

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I agree. You gotta ask for help when you need it. I just learned that the hard way. Too much stress in my life lately and I ended up with my own medical crisis. Hypothyroidism most likely brought on by too much stress. I did not know your thyroid could make you so ill but it does and I have learned to slow down and ask for help when I need it now.


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I can ask for help easily .... I don't mind the help when I need it. I can explain alot of their reasons for not giving me what I need but it's mainly confusion...god I hope that's it. I don't wear things on my sleeve because often it just doesn't bother me. I'm not that good at being a girl, I only know the signs on other people. I'm an aggressive worrier and that drives me to make things right, sometimes pushing or aggressively demanding. But when I'm truely upset, all the people I'm talking about rally around me to keep the others away. I don't understand that .... how can they be my "protectors" and make sure I get my quiet and alone time to calm down. But they ignored me before that point happened....... I doubt I'll ever understand! But just like usual when they need the "bouncer" to jump start, guard or push something bothering them out of the way .... I'll be stupid enough to do it. And I'll still hear "I need your help, your good at this ... what do I do?" And I'll stay awake all night the topic will consume me for days. To give the answer and recieve my "oh man your so good at this, I didn't even think of that".

That's where my friends come in, husband most times too (he reserves the right to "but I'm a guy and don't always know when or what") ......... These friends pick up and react where the rest have obviously fallen asleep .... I'm glad but embarrassed that they have to do that. Without it I'd be lost along time ago.

Thank god for the good friends ........ And thank you for your efforts and generious ear (in this case eyes) ... it's just another day in the life of...

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Hi Tammy...

Everyone needs to have a time when they can lose it and NOT be the strong one...even those who are able and willing to wait until a little later. You're right, the important part is that those that offer come back around to make the offer again. Maybe you'll need it when they do, maybe you won't...but the offer makes the difference sometimes, doesn't it?

My sister and I are seen as the ones who will be OK when everything goes to hell, whereas my brother (who towers over all of us!) is seen as the one who will have the most trouble and be the most emotional of us three kids. I found that when I need to be a little more emotional, I do it right there with Mom so that I can show her. It also gives her the ability to be emotional with me...as SHE is seen as a "rock" when it comes to dealing sometimes, too.

I hope your family hears you when you explain to them that you're feeling left out.

Much love and many prayers...

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I swear I could write exactly what you did here in my own way as it pertained to my family, coworkers,,,just about any relationship. Logical, strong, get things done sort of person, things really don't bother me for the most part, pretty darn adaptable to changing circumstances where others freeze and don't know what to do, right there to help and will worry it through for them when someone needs the help and see it through until they are OK....but somehow never thought of or looked at in critical moments to see if I'm OK -- sound familiar? All our outward actions say we have it together so everyone says to us we are doing great (and they don't quite know how). Depended on so much by everyone it seems that we look around and wonder who WE have to depend on. Yes, familiar?

You are strong and capable outwardly -- but, you are highly vunerable inside, especially now (at least that's what I found in me). You're taking the lead on alot of things for a situation that is threatening to everything we hold dear about family and the security that is supposed to always be there, without the need to ask.

That vunerability is darn near impossible for others to suddenly see and nuture. And here's the rub: we allowed it to get that way when we "just did it" for everyone and perhaps never just let them learn for themselves & help themselves so they wouldn't need to lean on us always so much. Now we need to lean on someone and there seemingly is no one there -- we've always been the rock.

It's not a bad thing to be (I hope I don't sound like it is) -- we certainly are very skilled at dealing with life. But, when it comes to meeting our needs now, we have to really put ourselves first: and I mean more than taking a few hours here and there for "me time" like shopping or a good massage; we have to let certain things go in our support of everyone else and allow them to go through their "stuff" and make their mistakes.

Maybe Snowflake will comment here sometime -- she once told me how it's like having a lot of balls in the air you are juggling -- you just have to drop some balls and only keep the most important ones in the air now. Just make sure a couple of those balls pertain to you.


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Tammy, you are bearing a heavy burden. Please find a mentor, counselor, or minister to talk with. You need some encouragement and positive input. Let your self grieve. Please talk to someone outside of the family or friends for a different perspective. Praying for you. pammie

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Thanks for all ............. I've talked to my sister today as she waits for her daughter to move out. She's OK with it now ... but also she told me her plans for when she has more time on her hands and missing her daughter.

She wants to learn to knit and crochet again (she's forgotten over the last 100 or so years these skills unused) ... she wants to have game night like when we were kids. And we're doing Christmas baking like the ol' days where the cookies and pies pass by Dad for decorations and the good stuff....

I hope to keep her occupied so she doesn't use the drink as her band aid ........ I'm just happy for that alone. And I didn't get THAT much pleasure out of the visual I had. The one where I throw her over the funeral home banister when she comes in smelling of alcohol ......... So I guess it's a win win!!

The good wishes and kind thoughts did it ..... chalk one up for the good guys!

:lol: Tammy

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