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2 years and learning....


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Hi everyone,

I know it's been a REALLY long time since I posted here, but so much good has happened along with the bad. My mother's brother(Uncle Bub) was diagnosised with small cell lung CA about 8 months ago, but he is doing well. My mom's sister(who looks and acts like my mom) passed away suddenly in September, she was 61. It was almost like loosing mom again. She helped my mom raise me. They lived 4 houses down from us and we were always together, their family and ours.

I went to Mom's grave and put flowers out. Dad, my stepmom, and the boys went with me. It was good to be there since I live 3 hrs. away and can't go whenever I want to. Sometimes while driving home from work late at night, it will hit me all over again. My mom is really gone. I can't touch her, hear her, or look at her. And that hurt in the bottom of my being, you all know the one, just starts hurting again. But, I blink back the tears, choke back the cries, and tell mom I love her. And that I miss her and the boys are good; but then I remind myself she already knows that! She is with me, the boys, and all who loved her.

I know she was with us when my sister Cindy had Miss Catie in July. My stepmom was so excited, and so was my dad. When my dad held her the first time, the tears welled up and he cried and wished that mom could have been there.(All this said in front of my stepmom) But, you know what she said? She said she wished that too. Now I KNOW mom picked her for my dad.

My boys are growing like weeds, and growing on my nerves at times. Just like they're suppost to! Nicolas still talks about mom, and we tear up a little and go on. Connor thinks and asks about mom even though I don't think he remembers her well, but rather of her. He always wants to say grace, and always includes something about his Mamaw Net and Mamaw Alice. Usually about how he wants God to watch over them in heaven. Some times they get quite lengthy and we have to hint that supper is getting cold. :D

I see people every day at work battling lung cancer, and the optimism in their voices. And I remember those days with mom, and I ask as I walk out of their rooms for healing in any for them. And I see them in the final stages and I've been there with the families in the end. I try to comfort them, and explain that I DO know what they are going through and have been through; that I'm here for them. That's one of the good things I got out of mom's passing. Understanding.

They say, time heals all wounds. That may be true. You know,I think they fade away some, but never completely.

I want to say how sorry I am for everyone here who has lost someone. We WILL survive, and we WILL go on, because they would want us to.

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