adela Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Last year I celebrated Thanksgiving at the hospital with Ed,he had brain surgery to relieve the pressure on his brain. He was scared, angry and confused. It was so difficult. He loved Thanksgiving because he knew he would see his son.....a guaranteed vist. This year I am unsure what I want to do. My daughter wants to do something at her home and her Dad would be there, however my ex doesn't speak to me. I just don't know if I can handle being in a social setting with the ex and not having my husband to help me get through it. I was thinking of just going to a resturant after a morning hike and just like coccoon myself. My thearapist is sort of nudging me toward taking the high road and have dinner with my daughter and my ex. I just feel so emotionally vulnerable and I don't want to lose it. I think of you all constantly wondering how everyone is doing. I think of you all constantly and wonder how everyone is doing. This board has helped me so much. So I am going to the well again. Adela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Oh Adela, I wish you could come here and spend Thanksgiving with Fred and me. Children all go to the 'other' parents for Thanksgiving since they all come here for Christmas. We have no other family close by and we would love to spend it with a 'family' member from LCSC. I cannot advise as to what you should do. I totally understand the uncomfortable feeling of spending it with you ex. And to try to take the high road would take LOTS of focus and energy. That would be difficult for me while trying to cope with not being with the man I loved. Whatever you do will be right for you. Hope you believe that Ed will be with you no matter where you are. I'll be thinking of you, friend. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Adela: I can relate, only slightly differently. Having lost both my parents over the last bit, I am now faced with what to do with the holidays -- I used to be the one who always cooked Thanksgiving dinner for our family and I still did that for just mom and I last year. I don't have any other family to be with -- just me. That vunerability feeling is there for me as well with the holiday choices I've gotten from friends lately. There's one group of them that make me uncomfortable right now because some of them try to smother me with their un-asked-for advice and "comfort" to the point that I just get anxious and tense often being around them right now. Plus, there's a larger crowd showing up there and I just don't feel like being social -- but being totally alone doesn't feel real appealing either: not yet anyway...I might lose it just being alone. So......I decided to cook again at my place and just invited one close friend to join me. A couple of others (close neighbors who have been there to talk to and have been helping me along the way) might show up as well -- all of us are more of the type that are quiet and just pitch in to help each other without a bunch of explanation and fanfare. Basically, what I decided to do is not try to change absolutely everything about my holiday routine yet -- that's why I'm cooking at my place and choosing not to go out. But, I'm putting people around me who won't spark tension and upset in me. Could you, perhaps, do something similar for you -- does any of this make sense for you? i.e. keep some element of your holiday routine (parts you always loved), but be with people who you are comfortable with right now? Even if it's going on that hike and out for dinner....take someone with you or meet someone to share dinner with???? Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patut Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Hi Adela. I think you already know what you want to do. There's no way you need to be uncomfortable on Thanksgiving. Use your 'gut' feeling and do what feels good. Maybe you could visit your daughter after your ex has left? I agree with Kasey's words of advice. Only you can make the choice that will make yourself feel good. I have to do it all the time now. Wishing you the best, Cyndy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I think a change of routine for the holidays is a good thing, especially first time around without the loved one. We will be together but in a different place with some new people. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Adele, The sad passages of our lives force us to create new traditions. I guess I am lucky that I can go to my daughter's for Tday and my son's for Christmas. I put a big fat smile on my face and pretend it is just like 'old' times. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to do these holidays just for me, in my own way. So my advice to you - do what you want, do not put yourself in any uncomfortable situation especially while your emotions are still raw. Figure out what is important to you - and just do it. Let us know what you decide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Q Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 There are often food services for the needy who would welcome a volunteer on Thanksgiving Day! Maybe you could ask your daughter if she would like to visit you later in the day for a snack and/or dessert? That way, you could still see her, just without the ex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 This is tough...grieving through your first holiday set sucks...then to layer family issues on top of it...ugh!!! For this holiday, I pared down the family exposure as it is the first without mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tami Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 getting through the holidays really is tough. I agree with the others I don't think you need the abuse of trying to make nice with the ex. It takes a lot of work and honestly, you need to be good to yourself. Maybe next year you can take the high road.. or not. But not this year. This year is about what gives you peace and makes you happy. Maybe you can volunteer during the day, see your daughter for dessert in the afternoon? Or just spend some time with a friend or two? As you can see from the posts many people don't quite know what to do with themselves.. so you may have some friends that would welcome a hike, a movie or just dessert and some company. Honestly, I don't recommend that you spend the day alone. I did that once. My mother had died, I had just recently split from my husband (kids went with him in for the day) and my family had "disowned" me so I just sat around feeling bad. Please don't do that. You may be a better person than me but leaving yourself open like that is a real recipe for a very sad day. I'd start planning now. Call some friends, check out the movie listings whatever will make you happy. Not alot of activity but whatever will are up to and would enjoy. Just remember where ever you are and whatever you do Ed's with you. Loving you and celebrating along with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adela Posted November 15, 2006 Author Share Posted November 15, 2006 Thanks all it is so difficult. My daughter has not pressured me, she has spoken to her father about his behavior. I do feel I must protect myself emotionally I just don't want my daughter and son to feel I am leaving them out. My daughter is pregnant and I don't want to upset her. My gut feeling is just to take my son and I to a resturant and then later he can join sis,Dad and brother in law for desert if he wants. Ginny it takes guts to do what you want for the holidays. I have been the pleaser and the make sure the family is taken care of.I am the oldest girl so I was the take care of others one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharonjo Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Adela, I think you should go with your gut. Your idea sounds like a good solution. I definitely agree that you should not go somewhere that will make you feel uncomfortable. As long as your daughter is understanding, then you have found a solution that will work for you. Hope you have a wonderful holiday dinner with your son! God Bless, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Dear Adela, I think your solution is a perfect one.... and what makes it even more perfect is that YOU are comfortable with it. Dinner out with your son will be much better than being alone. I agree with the others who have said "alone" is probably not the best way to spend the holiday. Whatever your final decision is, I wish you peace and the strength you will need to get through the upcoming holiday season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Adela: Your solution sounds perfect for you and it sounds like your daughter is pretty understanding about it. Right now, you have to take care of the tender heart of you and not worry so much about everyone else. In the end, the holidays are just dates on a calendar where everyone has somehow agreed to celebrate something at the same time (and this time of year causes many folks a heck of a lot of stress even in the best of times); nothing wrong with picking an alternate day to be with your daughter for "a day of thanks for having each other" without the ex. around either. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.