Could it really be possible?

[lilyjohn]

Can it really be posible that it has been 4 years sense those precious, loving, agonizing, heartwrenching last two weeks of my Johnny's life? Sometimes it still seems so unreal. Even all of the years apart I knew that he was out there somewhere, then we found eachother again. How wonderful that was how grateful I am for those few precious months. If only I had known I wonder if I would have been afraid to enjoy them or would I have snuggled him more often, told him how much I love him even more than I did. Would I have stored every glance and every smile somewhere where I could take them out each day and have them to sustain me when these painful aniversary days come?

It has gotten a little easier but when these days come around my heart aches and the tears are never far away. It doesn't help that I am spending these days with a client at the rehab hospital. It is so much like the time spent in one with Johnny and the time he was in the nursing home. I am managing but it is not easy.

On the second of December, the 4th aniversary of his death I will start the first leg of my trip to Louisiana to spend Christmas holidays with my children and grandchildren. It will be the first without Denis and I know it will be very hard for them and it won't be easy for me either.If I'm lucky enough my first great grandchild will be born while I'm there.

So life goes on. Most days I am so aware of the beauty around me and wonder what I ever did to deserve such special gifts as God has given me. Yes I have known much pain and loss but somehow I feel it has all been to get me to where I am now. For what purpose I'm not sure but I am so thankful that along the way I have had so many wonderful people in my life.

Sorry for the rambling I am just very nostalgic tonight.

Oh and for those of you who I have discussed signs with I have had a few this week. First I saw the first robin that I have seen in months, it was all by itself and didn't move until I was almost on top of it. That is the only bird I saw on my walk. The next day I saw a whole flock of them. Then the first day at the hospital with my client I got a real surprise. When her breakfast came it was biscuits and gravy. That is what Johnny would have me get for his night time snack every night when he was in rehab. I felt like that was a sign because he knew how hard that experience would be on me, especially this time of year.

[Nick C]

I can imagine this time would be hard, I hope your trip for the holidays brings a flood of good memories and great blessings in the present.

[Don Wood]

Hard to believe it has been 4 years, Lily. I believe they never leave us in spirit. Don

[Maryanne]

Hi Lil,

You have come such a long way from when I first posted on here. You were like a wounded bird who just did not know what direction to fly.

Your Johnnie has been there with you through all of this and I could imagine how happy he is that you have found peace.

Yes, as usual he is sending you signs and just letting you know that he knows how hard times like this is for you. He is helping lighten your load.

You will have a wonderful holidays with your children and grandchilden. That is Priceless!!

I hope you are feeling better.

Maryanne