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Lost my heart


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I first posted at this site on Oct.12,2005. My husband Chris was diagnosed in June, 2005. I have come to this site many times in the past year, but never did post again...it's been all too overwhelming, I never knew what to say...so I quietly offered my support by reading your stories, sharing in your joys and sorrows.

Unbelievably I find myself posting the news that Chris lost his battle with this (expletive) disease on November 10,2006.

He was a 39 year old firefighter,a never smoker, leaving behind two daughters ages 13 and 5.

It all feels so surreal.

As so many of you know, things like this aren't suppose to happen. I always thought that he would be one of the few lucky ones who beat this...how could he not? Any other outcome was inconceivable~yet here I find myself, a widow with two young kids. How am I suppose to carry on?

My girls look to me for comfort and I have none to offer. So I comfort them with false words of "it will be ok, everything will be fine". Really? How?

I shake my fists at God...this is a merciful God? No.

Chris was the light and love of my life.

He was my very best friend, my confidant, my soul.

The pain of losing him is so beyond describing...it's crushing me,suffocating me...

I can't find the words, there are none.

Thank you for this site...it gave me knowledge and comfort.

To anyone reading this, may you or your loved one be one of the lucky ones who beats this unbearably cruel disease.

Peace to us all,


Husband Chris diagnosed 6/05 adeno/bac stageIIIb

lower/mid rt lung removed 8/15/05.

Chemo until June 06

Left lung collapse in July 06

Surgery to perm.attach lung to chest wall left him in a weakened state until death Nov.10, 2006

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Dear Laurey

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not telling your daughters false words. It WILL be okay, it will take time and it will not be easy, but we are all here to help you, for you to lean on and we offer our shoulders to you to cry on.

You and your daughters are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

My sincerest sympathies and condolences and warm hugs


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I didn't lose a spouse, I lost both my parents within the last 2 years (mom to LC just over 4 months ago) -- common losses, yes. The same pain....no, it doesn't seem to be that way somehow from what I've read from other spouses here. All I can do is stand as a silent witness to "hear" your cries of deep pain in your loss and say that eventually you will come out of this in your own way and in your own time....different as it will be from me and other children who have lost parents to this disease. You will get through this, as much as it seems you won't now. We all will. Those before us did and we will too.

I'm glad you came back to share with us. No one should ever be left with a voice that's not heard and respected by others.

Gentle hugs,


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Reading your post brings tears to my eyes. It's not fair! It's such a terrible thing for your daughters and you to go thru, I have 2 girls myself 8 and 11 and I know now the difficultly and sadness they are going thru.

Please, please know that we are here for support and whatever we can do to help you. It doesn't matter what you say in your posts......you're heartbroken and yet you have to be the "rock" for your girls.

I too pray that I won't be in the position that you are in now, but unfortunately my husbands' dr/onc said it is not "if" but "when" and this horrid, dreaded, disease will take another wonderful husband and daddy.......I too feel like where is this "wondeous" God???????

My prayers for you and your girls.....


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Hello again Laurey,

Your post has really hit me hard this evening. I am so sorry you lost the love and light of your life. He had but a brief journey and it ended all too soon.

I so understand your coming here and reading and not posting. It IS a difficult thing to be able to find words, isn't it? It is for all of us, and tonight I really don't have any for you. For some reason I was feeling rather fragile and upon reading your words, well, I just feel at such a loss.

This is an ugly, evil, insidious disease and I want to be able to just eradicate it so it cannot claim any more of us. Your dear husband.........so young........I have nothing to offer you except my sympathy and cyber hugs. May you be able to find some comfort as you travel this part of the journey without your love. So very sorry.


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I am so sorry to hear this news tonite. I know that there is nothing I can really say or do right now. I will say a prayer for your family tonite. I can also recommend these two links that I sometimes use for a little help and support. There are others here who use and have used them. Click on link to be redirected to the Links;

1) http://beyondindigo.com/

2) http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.php?Cat=0

I hope one if not both help you on this new part of life we find ourselves enduring. There are two many here who have suffered this year. Sending prayers and warm blankets for comfort and strength tonite!

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Laurey, I am so sorry for your loss! This damn disease IS NOT FAIR! The words you spoke to your children are true, even if you don't believe them yet. It will be OK. It will NEVER be the same, but someday it will be OK. Please come here to express the anger, hurt and fear. There are seveeral here who are in the same situation you are and will completely understand. Others, like me, who don't completely understand will still offer sympathy and words of support.

Your family is in my prayers,


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I'm so very sorry for all of your pain and feelings of lost hope. Though I understand all you are going thru, I know that is of little comfort. May God give you some peace and help you get thru the next several months. My children have helped me heal as much as, if not more than, I have been able to help them. Children, especially children born of and exposed to a loving relationship, can endure so much and offer so much love and comfort. Cling to your babies and know that it will get easier.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you; or if you need someone to talk to in person. I know that there are limited resources for young(er) widows/widowers.


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I am so very sorry for the loss of your love and your soulmate. I understand all too well the pain, anger, disbelief, and grief you are suffering.

I wish I could say that what you are telling your daughters is right, that everything will be "ok". But being in the thick of it, I don't honestly believe it to be true. What I believe is that we will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. We are not sick. We are grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my husband and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are ok, and this will be for the rest of my life. I will never reach a point where I "accept" what happened and it will be "ok" or "fine", but I will go on and life will continue because what choice is there. And in time, my heart, body, and mind will find a way to live with the pain and tolerate the loss. The pain will be less sharp but the emptiness will always be there. I will again find reasons to smile and laugh, find joy and beauty around me. And when I do there will be a twinge of sadness in it because they should have been shared with my love. But the point is that some day ever moment will not be filled with the darkness. The colors may never shine quite as bright again, but you will see the roses in bloom again in time.

It is not fair that he was taken so young. It is not fair that his beautiful babies will not get to have him there as they grow and mature into beautiful women. None of this is fair and it seems too cruel for it to be allowable by a merciful God. I try and believe that it is not God how created this, but hope that he will bring comfort and peace as we travel through this hell.

Laurey, please e-mail me if you ever want to talk. I haven't been on board much lately as I've had to take on 2 jobs and work about 70 hours a week, but I will give you my cell # and usually am easily contacted that way.

Take gentle care of yourself and your girls. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.


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Laurey, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love and be forced to remain strong for your children. I know how broken hearted you and your children are right now. The pain can be truly unbearable. Please know that my heart is reaching out to you and I am remembering you and your family in my prayers. If you ever need to talk, I'm here to listen.

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How do you put into words what you need to hear?

I am so overwhelmed by your story, your husband was only 2 years older than me and I too have young children.

One thing that has helped me get thru the loss of my father recently is knowing that whenever I look at my daughter Rosie, there he is. He is there when I look in the mirror and he will be there when my next child is born is a few months.

It isn't the same, but he will always be there.

I hope for peace and happiness for you all

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I am so very, very sorry. My heart felt like it was just ripped apart when I read this. I don't know if things will ever be okay again, but I have to believe that somehow, in time, they will. I will keep you and your daughters in my thoughts and prayers.


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