unhappy holidays

[StephanieJane]

My dad was diagnosed less than two weeks ago with nsclc that has spread into his liver and his adrenal glands. He is only 53 years old and he is the only person in my family that I am close to...and I am trying really hard to be strong, but it is getting tougher and tougher. It seems like every new doctor brings more bad news...and I know the statistics and I know that the odds are against us here.

I am trying to be strong. I am trying to remain positive. I am trying. I just can't seem to shake the thought that this might be the last Thanksgiving that we spend with my dad. This might be the last year that my dad gets to watch my daughter open her Christmas gifts. It just seems so unfair.

I am just having a really hard time coping with all of this. My dad is just so awesome and such a big part of my life, and the thought of watching the strongest man I know grow weaker and sicker before my eyes is just more than I can bear.

I do not want my dad to die. Not like this.

We will meet with an oncologist for the first time on Wednesday...the day before Thanksgiving. I am anxious to know what he has to say...but I am also dreading it.

If this is my dad's last holiday season, I want it to be a happy one. I just don't know how to make that happen under the circumstances.

[RandyW]

Stop it right now!!!! Do not think like that. YOu have to turn your thinking around and focus on the positive. You have to think that " We are going to kill the tumour." Enjoy the holidays. Do not grieve for the living. Let your mindset be that there will ne many more holidays together. If this line of thought continues you are already half way defeated. The doctor will probably tell you that your Dad has so many months left. That is crap and I will not be the only one to tell you that! Those numbers are statistics and nothing more. My wife spent 3 wonderful years with me after her diagnosis before she passed. We have a member here is having a tough time after ELEVEN YEARS!!

Think positive, Do not let the meeting ruin the holidays for you. And most importatantly, REmember yesterday, Cherish today, and say a prayer for tomorrow. That is my advice for now. Live in the moment. But snap out of the Funk.

It will be fine. TEll us and we will tell you what to expect from treatment program and any side effects you want to know about. Keep a small notebook for questions answers and test results and appointments and anything else you can think of.

SENDING PRAYERS AND BIG WARM BLANKETS FOR STRENGTH

[Connie22]

Stephanie,

I think Randy said it well. DO NOT think like that. We never thought like that with my mom and we had a really good 5 months. We made the best out of going to radiation and chemo, stopping for snacks and just plain visiting with everyone. ATTITUDE is everything in this fight. Never once did we complain about the cards we were dealt. Did it stink-it sure did, but we all held our heads up high and carried on. You will be surprised at how many you attract with this positive attitude. Every where we went, they could not believe the smile on our faces and my mom was a styling lady in her nice clothes and make-up. When she was too worn out to do her hair and make-up, I made sure I was there to do it. It really helped with her attitude. This site is wonderful, to come here and express exactly how you feel. We will all try and help you as much as possible. Please try and make the most of each day, sometimes we get down to the hours, but it is all worth it. I would do it again for my mom.

Hugs and Prayers

Connie

[Kasey]

Hi Stephanie,

I am still curious just where your dad is being treated and who the docs are. You have mentioned that he may not be interested in any treatment. Did you guys get a second opinion? I am more than glad to talk with you and/or dad about how things went for me. Just an offer. Feel free to PM again or even PM your # and I'll give you a call. We are only moments away from each other. Whatever I can do.

In the meantime, please heed Randy's advice about trying to not be defeated right now. You have avenues to pursue.

Kasey

[Nick C]

Stephanie,

I am so sorry.

#1, you don't have to be strong all the time, just supportive. I cried when mom was sick, but I told her I loved her and will help her do whatever...but I wasn't "strong" when I didn't feel like it.

#2 This may be my last holiday. I'm not sick. But it may be. It may be my wife's. Last year was my mother's last holiday. We didn't know it at the time...goes to show ya, you never know. Every day is a holiday, every meal is a feast!

Every day is a gift after diagnosis. Every day is a gift before too, we just don't realize it. My mother never treated every day like it was her last, she treated every day as her first. You do that too. And when Dad beats this thing, because I think there is a chance he can, you ALL can keep treating every day as a blessing.

[Sis]

Stephanie,

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. However, I agree with Randy 100%. Never think this is the "last" for anything. My sister is going through a very tough time with her cancer now and is unable to travel for the Holidays. My response to her was "OK, then YOU get to host Thanksgiving NEXT year". And I will hold her to that!!!

We refuse to give in to this disease. Stay strong and listen to the survivors on this board!! Sis

[Suzie Q]

I'll echo the sentiment of "living as if today is the last day."

True, this may be your dad's last holiday season, but it may OOT be, either. Regardless, do things to make happy memories.

You have an opportunity here to do things the average person pays no attention to, like record his voice, go through family photos and write down who everyone is, recall family stories long forgotten (and maybe find out details and stories you never knew!), and so on. My best friend lost her mom in a carr accident and no longer remembers what her mom's voice sounded like. Too often, old family photos get discarded because no one is alive any more to identify the people posing in them.

Look for the silver lining. Plan for the worst, then go ahead and hope for and expect the best!

~Karen

[Nick C]

Your friends mom's voice may come back to them. I can't hear my mother's voice either...but I think that it would be too painful, and that's why I can't "hear it". I can hear my Gram laugh, I can hear many who have passed in my memory. Not her, not yet. But I also can't listen to the two messages I still have on my voice mail from her either.

But the day will come.

[Treebywater]

My Mom was diagnosed shortly before Thanksgiving as well... I remember so well the looming feeling of the holidays coming and... the pain and the

"--you want me to be freaking happy?!" feelings that I had on top of wading through those first days of terror.

First of all, you've gotten so much great advice so far. Consider a second opinion. Support your Dad no matter what, but do let him know that there IS HOPE!!!!

The second thing I have to say is something I learned these last two holidays first hand--Holidays don't have to be all about "happiness." I'm not sure what faith you may practice, and I'm not preaching, but... I am a Christian--and I realized hardcore these last two years that the very first Christmas was about a light piercing darkness. I think a lot of the other holiday faiths celebrate similar things when you get right down to it.

Once I grasped the idea of it being about light piercing darkness, I looked desperately for that light anywhere I could find it. And find it I did... Last year's Christmas was especially bleak for me--but... I still found that light. I didn't make myself feel happy, but I tried to see that light any chance I got... I let myself cry too. Because... The darkness is as real as the light.

Anyway--All that to say, I know it is hard, but grab onto hope, grab onto that light all that you can. For the holidays and for this entire journey.

And we'll help you to keep doing that.

Val

[Don Wood]

Stephanie, welcome. As many have said, it is not necessary nor good for you to put up a strong front all the time. This is a time to laugh together and cry together and make the best of the time you have together, no matter how long or short. Seize the day! Keep us posted. Don

[kamataca]

Stephanie,

It is so easy for us to tell you to think positively, but that is only because most of us have survived our initial responses to what My mom calls "this da*n disease"!

I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't worried about the exact same things that are on your mind. This is a great place to come and vent those feelings. I do it often.

That being said, spend a lot of time in the Survivors and Good News forums. They help me out when I get down, and I have had the opportunity to post there myself! Mom has beaten the dr's predictions and still keeps going.

Lots of prayers going out to you. Keep us informed and we'll keep thinking of you.

Kelly

[wyogirl]

Stephanie, I can SO relate to what you are going thru! When we found out my dad had LC, I remember thinking it was like a death sentence had been put on him. Those first holidays after diagnosis were happy but a little scary too. The "what if" this is the last Christmas was there in the back of my mind....I'm just glad I didn't let it steal the joy from the holidays. As it turned out, my dad had two Thanksgivings and two Christmases before he died. I'm struggling this year, knowing he won't be here to make his famous Thanksgiving stuffing, or watch his grandson open his Christmas gifts. It is awful. But we had those last two holidays full of love and togetherness, and that is what I wish for you. Blessings on you and your family, and peace and joy to you during this holiday season. I really do understand your pain and fear.

Laura

[Pamela]

Stephanie,

What you are feeling is normal and understandable and familiar to me. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, you will adjust. You will still cry sometimes, and there will be times when fear will be so strong that you'll feel like you're choking on it.

But you will do what needs to be done because you obviously love him so much. You don't have to fake happiness. Instead you can feel grateful for having your Dad right now, this moment, and this Christmas and push aside any thoughts of what comes next.

I didn't think it was possible to live the battle one day at a time, but I became good at it because Dad needed me to be good at it. You will, too.

My heart is with you.

Pam

[adela]

What is normal during the holidays, we are bombarded with all of these commercials of over happy people. Even people not touched by cancer go thru very difficult times during the "holiday period" So much expectations, so much disappointment, so much of too much.

Perhaps I will not be happy during this holiday period, but I will be content that my husband was part of my life.

I suppose my encouragement to you is to be content during the holiday season and all of the days after January 1st.

Take care, Adela

[crystleshoe]

stephanie, I know how you feel. When we got the dx for my mom it was such a sureal feeling. I cried and cied and cried . We are almost 2 months from the day we got the news and i wont lie to you, it still smacks me in the face when the thought of my mom having lung cancer pops into my head. I too have been trying to figure out a way to keep the holidays "normal" but ive had a paradigm shift and the new "normal" will never be like the old. So we will make the best of the time we have and i will soak up all the positive energy that i can and bring it to my mom. I know things seem out of control now and you dont know what to do but this forum is a really great place to get some info and insight on things. read some of the survivors stories and you will be encouraged. Cancer is not a death sentance anymore. This can and has been beaten and .... i know its hard but try to find something good in each day.

[ernrol]

Stephanie,

I will pray a little extra for your dad today. Remember no matter what the doctors are not always correct in their predictions. Let's pray that your dad has the same good results that I did and he will be here for many more Thanksgivings. Keep us posted.

Stay positive,

Ernie

[Kathleen1]

Honey, I remember all too well August 2005 feeling the same way you do. Crying all the time, worrying about being strong for Mom. Two of the most helpful things that were said to me were as follows:

1) Don't mourn ahead of time. there will be plenty of time for that later. Enjoy the time NOW.

2) Its ok to cry in front of your loved one. In my case it was my Mom. Someone told me to go ahead and cry in front of her. "She is your Mom and let her be just that".

So I did. I bawled like a three year old in front of Mom and I vowed to do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I could from that moment on to get her through it. It was ok to let her know I was scared. She was stronger than I was. But it helped. It relieved the pressure of holding it in and faking "strength". After that I was able to be more normal around Mom and not fall apart as much.

You will find your way and you will be wonderful. Now have the best Thanksgiving EVER! Love your Dad up for every minute you have. Everyone is right anyone of us could be gone by this afternoon. We just never know. Take this time to do all the things you want to do before its too late. When a loved one dies from a sudden car crash you have no option for that. The only positive from an illness like this is you get that time to say everything that is in your heart. I will be praying for you and your Dad for peace, strength and courage during this difficult time.

k

[yellowbow]

I'm so sorry to read about your dad. But don't give up. It's a shock. I know my husband has nsclc,mes to brain. We cried, and them decided to fight. I know it is hard. I put my tree up the other day and these icecle that hang look like tears. My tree is crying. But you have toenjoy your time together and give your dad hope. He can have many more years, nobody knows. But please enjoy your time together. Like the saying go's live each day as your last. This way you really get the most out of life!

I will pray for you's all

Bless

Carol

[Lisa O]

When I was first diagnosed, every doctor told me horrible devastating news. I walked around in a fog and missed some of the joy that was available in the first few months. I am still stage four.... over four years later. What I have learned is to celebrate each moment. Doctors cannot tell anyone how much time they have. It is up to us to enjoy every minute of the time we have with family and friends. I can't give you a look into the future.... but I can tell you that you have your dad NOW... and you could easily have him for years to come. Either way, you will never get this moment back, so take pictures, eat pie, light candles and give hugs. Whether you have one day or thousands, that it what makes happiness.