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After the fact but still bothering me


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Mom died 3 months ago today. They found mets to the brain the end of May. She finished WBR on June 7th. What I want to know is why they didn't do a brain scan for mets to the brain prior to symptoms showing up.

I see so many of you and your loved ones seem to get MRI's checking for this. Our oncology dept. said they only check when symptoms are present. That it wouldn't make a difference in treatment. I am from Madison WI where we supposedly have excellent health care.

My opinion is if we had found the mets sooner, her primary tumor would have been smaller than it was. They didn't want to do surgery due to the location of the primary and due to her age.

I am going thru the "what ifs" again.

I remember calling in April asking about an MRI. First of all I was told by the nurse that it wasn't as common for mets in the brain with NSCLC rather it was more common with SCLC. I don't think this is true.

So why didn't they keep an eye on this? why weren't they looking if it is so common? Why didn't I insist on a brain scan? Why didn't I know more?

Does anyone have any answers for me?

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Kathleen,

You are going to second guess yourself forever, its normal, I know I've been there, I still struggle with the "what ifs" Its better just to let go of it, like Don advised..You really will never know the answers so dont torture yourself trying to find them..

No matter what we do it wont bring our loved ones back, I dont know why we go through the "what ifs" I think its all part of the grieving process..

I'll keep you in my prayers that you may begin to find some peace with this, you have to or it will drive you crazy..With the holidays approaching it makes it so difficult, I hope thes days can pass gently for you.. Take care

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Kathleen,

I think my Dad is having a lot of the same thoughts that you are right now. We just try to keep in mind that Mom's treatment decisions were made by her. She always asked our opinions but the final say always came down to her.

That's what I keep in the back of my mind that helps me sleep at night. I also have to believe that God wanted our Moms and called them home. In my heart I know Mom did a great job of raising my brother and I and I guess it's our time to fly on our own.

Shauna

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Kathleen,

So sorry you are feeling this way. My best friend's husband is currently going through this himself. She died from SCLC in Sept. and he keeps saying "if only I had done this or that..." This must be a typical reaction. I still Monday Morning Quarterback my husband's treatment regularly. We are going through a similar issue right now that you went through. I guess if there are no symptoms the insurance will not pay for a scan. Seems stupid to me.

Please do not have regrets. You really did all you could.

Hugs to you,

Welthy[/u]

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Kathleen,

I hope you are finding some OK days in the midst of all of this.

I understand the what ifs. But the way I put those to bed...and it doesn't mean one day they won't get back out of bed and slap me around a bit...but today I've put those to bed by saying the cancer did it...it wasn't the doctors, the technology, the er tech, me, God...it was the cancer.

If certain circumstances would have played out differently might we have had more time? Sure. Less? Possibly. We received the time we received. Every moment we got was a blessing.

I hope you feel and work through your what ifs, but don't feel pain over them. It's not what our loved ones wished for us.

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Oh ((((Kathleen)))) I read this when you first posted and just didn't know what to say...I, too, went through the *what ifs* when my dad died. Honestly, it does not help..we can't change anything, Kathleen. I don't have any magic way of telling you how to not think about the what ifs but really do try to focus on the beautiful memories you have.

Gentle hugs

Libby

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Like many people have said, don't beat yourself up over it. It is done and "it is what it is" and that's it.

So sorry for all you are going through. Put it behind you as I know that is what your mom would want and for you to enjoy the upcoming holidays.

"IT IS WHAT IT IS"

Peace be with you.

Maryanne :wink:

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Kathleen,

I can only echo the sentiments of the wise people on this wonderful site. You did the very best you could with the information that you had on that day. No one can do more than that. You need to give yourself a break. You did nothing wrong. You loved her. That is the important thing.

I pray for peace for you and your family.

Cheryl

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