Feeling so down

[Jana_W]

Hi all

It's been so long since I've posted that I hardly know where to begin. It's been about 16 months since my Mama died and my world as I knew it changed forever. Having said that, things actually really changed forever the day we found out about her diagnosis. Mum left behind her husband of 42 years and three children (me being the youngest, now 35!!)and six grandchildren (with one grandchild born six weeks after she died, that being my little Veronika).

I have so many emotions going on at the moment and just feel that I need to express them so I thank any one who takes the time to read it and maybe understand it. My most overwhelming feeling at the moment is disbelief and devastation that very soon we will all have survived an entire calendar year without my Mum. She wasn't here when 2006 began and it is going to soon finish and she won't have seen a single day of it. As of next year I won't be able to say "My Mum died last year", I will now have to say "My Mum died a couple of years ago". That sounds so much more distant and I hate it. I hate the fact that I am moving further and further from the day when I last saw Mum, hugged her, stroked her hand, told her I loved her, saw her and my Dad look at each other with such love. I can't accept that I really am someone who doesn't have a Mummy anymore. When I am 63 years old, I won't have seen my Mum for thirty years. What the??????

I am also feeling soooooooooooo ripped off that she never met Veronika, that she never saw me as a Mum, that I have never been able to and will never be able to share any of this with her. I try to comfort myself and tell myself she is watching over us, that part of her is in Veronika etc, etc, but damn it, I want her to be here physically and creating memories. I don't have one single memory of my Mum with my baby girl (except for one that I cherish even though I only created it in a dream!!!!).

And then I feel like such a self indulgent person for feeling all of these things when obviously everyone losing their Mum or anyone they love goes through this. I hate that my friends don't immediately think of how I am coping with the "Mum situation" when they see me or think of me now. In fact, it is probably something rarely thought about by others as to them it would seem a long time ago now (especially those who have not lost a loved one). Mostly, it all makes me feel so alone. I'd chop off my right arm for just 10 more minutes with Mum, to tell her again how much I loved her, that she was just the best Mum ever and I was so lucky to have her as my Mum. Did I tell her enough? It was nearly every day so presumably that was enough, but she deserved so much more. She deserved so much more than to be riddled with cancer and be left living in a body that couldn't function any more to the point that it had to stop existing. It makes me so mad, and so sad.

Jana

[aurora06]

my feelings are very similar to yours. Mom didn't get to see any of 2006 so I think that's what is so hard now that the year is almost done. First full year without mom. I understand what you mean by your mom passing feeling more and more distant yet, the funny thing is, at least for me, is that everything feels like it happened just yesterday. Trick of the mind, I guess. Thankfully, a relative reminded me that mom wouldn't want me to feel bad and that is so true. So I'm trying to not feel bad but I still do. I know that doesn't make much sense but that's human emotion. I know it's not the same as having your mom physically but you can still talk to her and tell her what you've been doing and the changes in your life. Kind of "update" her.

[nikkala]

I am so sorry you have to go thru this Jana. I really do understand.While it has been 11 1/2 yrs since I lost my mommy I still feel that same way with the passing of yet another year without her. You are not alone.

[Nick C]

Jana,

I know.

My mom will never get to experience being a grandmother. I'll never have a memory of her holding my child.

It was 2 months yesterday. When you said you would give your right arm I started to tear up (I'm at work, never a good look) because I could just imagine what it would be like to have just 10 more minutes...here I go again .

Anyway, I could go on, but I won't. Just know that I SO KNOW what you are going through. I too miss my mother with every ounce of my being. I hope I have a dream one day of mom and my child.

Here's to our mothers. We were too young and will be away form them for too long here on earth, but when we are with them again, all of the hurt will be gone and only our love for them will remain.

Feel free to write anytime you need. We're all in this together.

[Don Wood]

G'day, Jana! Good to see your post. Sorry the pain continues. I think it never goes away, just diminishes with time. Don

[Martha02]

I think Don is right it never goes away it just diminishes. I know how you feel everyday I think about my mom. It's my first Christmas without her and it's just sooo hard. Just remember that she does live in your heart always, everyday. I would give anything to spend 10 minutes with my mom too.

Big hug!

martha

[DebsSky]

Amen Jana....yours words are soooo my words. I feel emotionally empty and just one hug or kiss or word from my Mom would so fill me up. I miss her at every corner I turn and Christmas this year just won't be the same, but then again.....my life never will be the same again. I am mad, sad the whole gambit, and yes, I too feel ripped off, ripped off that the sweetest person and best friend I ever had is gone and so angry that she had to suffer through such a horrible disease !

I hear ya Jana, you are definitely not alone.

All the best to you (as hard as it is),

Love Deb

[sharyn]

I don't have one single memory of my Mum with my baby girl (except for one that I cherish even though I only created it in a dream!!!!).

It is so good to see you post.... you have been missed and thought of often. There were two things that you said in your post that kind of "struck a nerve" with me and I wanted to address them both... The first was your saying "you don't have a mommy anymore".... Sweetie, you ALWAYS will have a Mommy, she will always be your Mommy that can never, ever change, cancer and death cannot steal you of that!! I know she is not "your Mom" the way you want her to be, but she is still yours and don't ever forget that. The second is the quote at the top of this note.....Hmmm what makes you think you created that dream??? Maybe, just maybe that was a gift from your Mom showing you that indeed she IS with you and your beautiful baby girl. Just thoughts I want you to ponder on.... I

[karenl]

(((((Bubbins)))))

I know .

[cindi o'h]

Both of you girls have my heart today.

love,

Cindi o'h

[RandyW]

I know the feeling exactly. Deb passed away 23 days into this year. Now I take flowers to her gravesite, and have so many wonderful memories of our time together.

Somethings that i do that help me out and give me some strength when things get really bad. Angry, I go outside and throw eggs into the woods. Kinda relieves a little pent up frustration and anger too. When I get the blues I go outside at noght under the stars and I look up and talk to her. I tell her what is going on and why I am sad and or what not. Usually with an alcoholic beverage but only allowed 1. Neighbors are used to it now and will periodically call to make sure I am allright. These things help me personally. Writing here is another way I get it out of my system. Kinda like i am doing now sorry! Anyway, I know she is always watching over me and Daisydawg, Our german shephard. ansd remember never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Sending prayers and thoughts for better days to came eventually.

[Treebywater]

As usual, Jana.... You said it all. I could have said almost all of it verbatim.

I remember last year around the turning of the year when I was just wanting the year to be OVER hoping that maybe this one would not be so terrible... and it's THIS year that I'm feeling the--wait.... Wait... Another year can't go by. Yes, Yes, Yes it is that feeling of a whole calendar year flying by without her. I look at Carolyn now and can't believe she's missed so much of her life. I do not like the feeling of having to count back two years from the date and have it not just be "last year." It feels like it was JUST YESTERDAY and I can't get my head around the fact that it's been almost 17 months for me...

And I know that I was so lucky to have my Mom for those first four months of Carolyn's life.... I do not take that for granted, but I do feel SO CHEATED about having to mother without her.... and about her losing out on time with Carolyn. I feel eaten up with jealousy when my friends and in-laws have babies and their Mom's come and help them. I just wrote a blog entry about how my deepest sad moments lately are when I'm feeling panicky about Carolyn and then it hits me that I just want to talk it over with Mom. I hate that this new little baby will never know her.

And another hard thing for me is that Carolyn's birth and Mom's death are so entwined for me.... They happened together. And so when I think of being a Mother it makes me miss my Mom so much more. It makes me feel that much more deeply the hurt that she isn't here to be with me in this and to relate to in that way. Even those first months of Carolyn's life I don't feel I really had that because the cancer had already ripped so much of her away. I just keep thinking of her wanting to hold Carolyn and not being able to because she wasn't strong enough.... I ache to hear what she had to say about me at the same age as Carolyn or how she got through staying home with me without going stir crazy... or if she thinks we're doing the right thing handling little things with Carolyn. Heck--I even wish I could have her give me unwanted advice or tell me she thinks I'm really messing stuff up!

And it IS lonely. It is lonely to feel this deeply about something that to other people happened 'so long ago.' It's still fresh for me so many days. The pain doesn't take up all of my brain most days, but it is ALWAYS there, and I know it always will be. My husband lost his father 7 years ago. He tells me, "It doesn't get easier. It just gets different." Call me crazy, but that almost makes me feel better. I do still miss her so much. I do ache for her. I will never be 'over this.' Never. I will just always miss her and wish she was a part of my life.

I still have nights that I can't sleep until I break down and cry really big cries. Maybe it's because that kind of crying came so late for me that I'm still catching up on it... but mostly I think it's because it still feels so raw and so fresh while somehow being 17 months ago.

And even though the thought that maybe she is watching over me... or that she is with me because of that part of who I am that she gave me.... Even though those are comforting thoughts, they still don't feel like enough. Even if they have to be. I still just want her.

So I'm going on and on in your thread again, but I hope somehow it makes you feel less alone in the aching and hurting. Because your post made me feel that way.

I send you so much love. And I send that love to baby Veronika too.

So much love to Karen as well.

Please--both of you--PM or email me ANY TIME.

love,

Val

[Tracey Huguley]

Sending love and hugs your way....

I'm so sorry for your pain....all that you've gone thru and still going thru....you will be in my prayers....

Love,

Tracey Huguley

[shineladysue]

((((Jana)))) I'm so sorry and I do understand. God be with you.

Love,

Sue

[Donna]

Dear Jana,

I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you feel. My mom died 4 years ago and a day doesn't go by that I don't hurt for her..

Your words tell the story!!

You are in my prayers,please know that we are all feeling this way, especially with the holidays so close..

God's Blessing..

Donna

[adela]

Jana,

I feel empty like you do. Don said the pain never goes away it just diminishes. Take care

Adela

[Kathleen1]

Jana, your words touched me so. I lost my Mom just over 3 months ago. I miss her so much I feel at times that I could just curl up and die. She was my best friend and the thought of her getting further and further away with each passing day is sometimes more than I can bare. I too feel cheated. I was married one month prior to Mom's passing. My husband has two wonderful daughters. While I try to remind myself that at least Mom knew I was married and I'm so grateful she was there and at least she knew Alan and the girls, they really didn't have much time to know each other really well. She was a wonderful woman and I wish so much they could have known her the way I did, and that there would have been more time to build memories with all of us.

Our first Christmas together is approaching. So is the first Christmas without my Mom. Every year since I was a little girl I would get sad at Christmas because "what if it was the last Christmas I had my Mom?" My folks were in their mid 40's when they had me so I always feared losing them early. Lucky for me they both lived to their mid 80's. But my fear has finally reached. THIS is my first Christmas without Mom. I want it to go away! I don't want it to someday be my 10th or 20th Christmas without Mom.

I don't know what to say. But I do understand your grief and what you are feeling. I'm sorry you don't have memories with your Mom and your daughter together. I have posted the following before, but I will post it again. It helps me. Someone told me that now is my chance to pass on to my new bonus daughters the things Mom gave me. That is all we can do. Be the Mom for your daughter that your Mom was for you. Your Mum is watching, I just know it. Love to you and wishing you comfort.

"You are a continuation and resurrection of your mother, having picked up so much of her in your life, and so you go on, as her living legacy to the world. You’ll miss her everyday of your life and there’s no getting around that. But she gave you precious gifts and you bear them onward."