Your mortality

[Nick C]

In grieving have you found your own mortality scaring the beegeezees out of you?

I'm actually somedays more accepting of this part of life, however, I feel like my death is actually looming over me like a shadow. My mom was young, so now I am thinking I will be too.

I had a dream that when mom went I wouldn't be far behind.

I don't think I am jinxed...I know this whole topic is on my mind, so doesn't surprise me I'd dream about it.

But does anyone else (in particular the childer of those we've lost) feel like they are far more mortal?

[karenl]

Totally.

I know now, as a result of losing my own mother, as well as all the others we have lost on this message board, that bad things do happen to good people; that young people are struck down in the prime of their life. That illness and accident have no respect for youth. That people who are very much needed here can be taken away. It's scary, especially when you have young children. I try to turn my concerns about my own mortality into a positive by striving to be grateful for every great day that I get to enjoy with my family.....easier said than done sometimes......

But I know where you're coming from.

Love Karen

[Don Wood]

It is very normal when you have a parent with life-threatening disease that you grieve the loss of that parent, but also grieve for yourself that it may be in the genes and you are marked. I know you are not alone in this. Don

[peacelover]

Oh yes, I can relate to that!

I have not lost my parent yet to LC but I can really identify with your thoughts. So many times we have thought mom was about to be gone and it has really made me look at my own death in a different way.

In 8 years I have made several trips to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack which turned out to be panic only-those trips started while thinking of my own mortality. Since my mom was not a smoker and there were not any outward signs of illness when she was diagnosed I spent a great deal of time early on thinking I 'could have' all kinds of nasty diseases-my sister has gone thru this too so I think it must be normal.

My belief system tells me that even in death we never stop and I am logical enough to know this is a part of life I just think it is a hard thing to deal with regardless of the parents, or our, age.

I used to not be so conscious of time and living my dreams-now i am embracing every moment and REALLY seeing how much I am blessed....

I am sending you peaceful dreams and blessings!

Melissa

[Connie22]

I think for me, it isn't so much about me passing, but if I hear one more time about how death comes in three's I will loose it. That scares the ***t out of me. It has been 6 months now since mom passed and i find myself waking up at 4:00 in the morning and wondering who is next. I analyze everything ex: dreams, finding something that I haven't seen in awhile, this behavior is just really bizarre to me. I am going to start yoga to see if that works. I also wonder how I would take the news and the tx that my mom was given. She was such a brave soul-never complaining and just enjoying every last minute of life. My thoughts and prayers are with each one of you-as we end this holiday season and 2006! I know I am hoping for a better 2007- Mom was dx on New years day of 2006 and started radiation that day. They opened the Radiation center just for her, because of the swelling with the Superior Vena Cava. So.....I think I will hang low for that week, and let the memories surface as they do....

Prayers and hugs

Connie

[j's girl]

I can't help but wonder how much time I have left. My Great Grandmonther lived to the age 104, my Grandmother was 74 and my Mom passed at age 60. It seems as though the women who my genes come from die younger with every generation. I am 35.

My Grandmother on my Dad's side died in a car accident when I was 15. This event had a profound impact on the way I view life. It really made me live for today and make sure the people I love know how I feel about them.

Shauna

[nikkala]

Oh man Nick can I relate. It's been 11 yrs since my mom died at the young age of 41. Since then I have always struggled with my mortality, but especially after they found I have lung nodules. I just assume I will die of LC. I know in my mind I should not think that way but I can't help it. I am now 35 and really struggle as I approach her age at death, I can't imagine living to be older than my mom. I have never really been able to see my own future past the age of 41. (I'm sure a shrink could analyze it all for me) Hopefully when I turn 42 I'll "get over it"

You're not alone with your feelings Nick. Hang in there.

[wyogirl]

Nick,

I can very much relate to how you're feeling. I too have lost the innocence of feeling safe and secure in this world. In our brains, we all know we are mortal, that we all will pass on someday.....but I think losing a parent drives that home in our hearts. In the dark times, I wonder if I am doomed to suffer my father's fate, even though I have been a livelong non-smoker. I am almost paralyzed by the thought of my son having to grow up without me. In the even darker times, I worry that my son may face the awful monster of cancer, because there is some leukemia on my mom's side of the family. That thought steals my breath, literally. Sometimes it is pretty overwhelming, and probably all part of this awful grieving that we are going through.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Laura

[mamasbabygirl]

Oh yes, indeed. It is constantly looming over my head. My dad died at 40, hubby at 29, mom at 52. I seem to be just waiting for it sometimes...My boyfriend who is 35 said ths morning "I hope I get to see Graden graduate (he's 6). Can you imagine losing two dads in one lifetime?"

[Andrea]

I obsess over it. I worry about every ache, bump, lump, etc.

We are expecting twins and I said to my husband last weekend "if no one passed away, what age do we start taking them to Disneyland?".

I don't think "normal" people think like that.

[aurora06]

Absolutley think about it but in a much different way than before. I'm not worried about illness being in the genes or feeling marked though. It's more like the sudden awareness that any illness can come at any time and sometimes with a swiftness that will stun you. No outward signs of illness except at the very end, no risk factors then hit with a terminal dx made us feel blindsided b/c we were. I think much the same as Connie22 and wonder how I would take the same news mom had to. She never complained or seemed sad.

[Nick C]

Wow,

Thank you all.

First for openning up some real hard hitting feelings and histories you guys have. I'm sure for some typing those messages may have been very hard.

And second just for making me feel more normal. I'm sorry others have these thoughts and events that have led to these thoughts, but thank you so much for saying so.

And third just a general thank you to everyone here. When something gets stuck in my head or I'm just down I know you are a few key strokes away.

[stand4hope]

You bet! It didn't take my parents' deaths, or my in-laws, grandparents, friends, or even an infant baby. Most of those deaths were predicted. All were in poor health, and there was plenty of warning about each of them. Even though they were all sad for me, it was just a matter of time. What woke me up was the death of my Don.

To watch not only a healthy man, but a physically very strong, mentally strong, active, never sick man die from a disease that was never expected, predicted or even in any of our thoughts - WOKE ME UP! For 38 years, I was the one that had all the health problems, and he was the one that was always taking me for this surgery, that treatment, this test, etc. I think we both knew that I would be the first one to go. HA! Little do we mortals know. How arrogant we are to think that we can know anything about life or death. Sure, we can do things to increase our chances of living a longer life, but there are still no guarantees. I doubt that the people that recently ate spinach and died ever dreamed they would die in such a way.

The one thing, and it was on this website, that made me realize what you are saying, Nick, were the words, "We are all terminal." It put Don's disease in perspective for me. It took away the "Why?" questions. Those words didn't help the pain, or the surprise, but they made me realize that for any of us, it can come at any time, on any day, and without warning.

Yes, I am very much more aware of my own mortality and find myself thinking and planning for the day my family and friends will say good-bye to me. I cherish their love, their smiles, and take every opportunity I can to tell them how much I care and how much I love them. Especially the younger ones - my son, my nieces and nephews, etc. Don loved our son, cousins, nieces and nephews and they knew it. I was actually blessed by their tremendous grief for him. What a legacy he left for them to remember him by.

I was especially touched by a cousin of Don's who is probably about 40 years old. He was a baby when we were married and we used to baby sit him once in a while. To see this grown man weep uncontrollably after the funeral really touched me deeply. His own mother, Don's aunt, tried to comfort this man while her own grief was painfully obvious. So, what's the good in that? The good is that life is all about people - nothing else. The only thing that matters is your love and showing it to others.

I hope and pray that when I go, which I now know can happen at any time, that I will have done a good job of loving my family and friends. I pray that some part of me will have impacted them in a positive way.

To all you mortals, I say: I love you!

Love,

Peggy

[Connie B]

Nick wrote:

I feel like my death is actually looming over me like a shadow. My mom was young, so now I am thinking I will be too.

****************************************************

Now you know what those of us feel like that have been dx.d with LC or Heart Disease feel like. It sucks! I look at it as a RED FLAG has been handed to me. That Looming over me feeling is not a fun feeling to have.

I lost my dad when I was only 17,(he was my best friend) and my mom & sister (both were my best friends) when I was 36, and all three of them were very young & died from lung cancer. My sister was only 43, my dad was only 54, my mom was only 66. I was 43 when I was dx.d with LC, just 8 years after I lost my mom and sister. I use to say over and over again after my mom and sister passed, (I'm next) well..... I was next, so far so good, I keep beating the odds. I'm the youngest of 4 sibling.

Be careful what you wish for. Your young and your in good health today,(today is all we have) GO WITH IT! This to shall pass. Stay Strong, you'll make it! ((Nick)) I think your feelings are very normal. I also remember after both my parents passed, I felt like an orphan, just totally alone. It was hard, but with time...... (the famous last words)

I just want to add, as hard as it is to lose our loved ones,(and I know how hard it is) we still have to count our blessing each and every day. (you'll get there too in time) I too am not afraid of my mortality, I've had lots of practice in facing deaths front door step. I count each day here as a blessing, and when the times comes for me to go to the other side, that will be a blessing also. I have lots of family and friends on the other side waiting for me. But for now, life here on earth as we know it goes on as hard as that can be at times after the loss of a loved one.

[stand4hope]

And, P.S., Nick: No, it does not scare the beegeevess out of me!

I don't worry about it or dream about it. Because of my faith, I couldn't possibly fear something that promises me freedom from pain and tears for eternity. "Believe" does not say, believe and be afraid. I love the expression to "Prepare for the worst, but expect the best!" I also love the expression, "It is what it is." In this life, yes, I'm tired of crying and tired of worrying about those I love, but I want to live. I want to live to love the living and let the living love me for as long as God allows.

I'm more aware of my mortality, but fear it? No way!

Love,

Peggy

[Welthy]

Nick,

I understand how you feel. My father suffered a massive heart attack when I was 16 and he survived, but had terrible damage and went on to have a triple-bypass in 1978. We always figured he would go long before my Mom. Never thought about cancer much, it was always about the heart issues. My Mom was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer when I was 24. She went in for, what they thought, was a uterine cyst. I was in the beginning of my third trimester with the twins and she wanted the surgery over fast so she could be healed to help with "her babies". The Doctor came out of surgery with a dried salt tear-stain down his cheek and told us my mother wouldn't be able to help with the babies at all. We were crushed. She lived 2 1/2 years and died a miserable death, 22 years ago last week. (My father lived another five years and ended up dying from progressive liver disease from tainted blood given during his by-pass!)

By the time I was 30, I had a hysterectomy and one ovary removed because they told me my chances were tripled of having the same cancer as my Mom. (I was the only daughter in a family of seven.) A few years later I developed a mystery disease in my colon and before they operated, I told the surgeon to yank my other ovary as I didn't want to die like my Mother.

So, yes, it does make a profound impact on your life and I was lucky enough to have the ability to "cut out" the problem before it ever happened to me.

Life does go on and, as human beings, we begin to stop feeling the intensity of the grief and fear as time goes by.

Now, my husband was the healthiest person you could ever meet. He was into his mid-60's and still playing touch football with nephew's at family parties. Everyone marveled at how young and healthy he was. It never remotely crossed my mind that LC would become a part of his life. Back in the days of quarantine's, as a kid, his house had signage on two occasions for mumps and measles. He had six siblings who all came down with both diseases and yet he never got either of them. In the thirty years I've known him, he has only been sick one time and that was in Mexico. Never a head cold, flu, or anything. So when this diagnosis was made it brought all of the memories of my "indestructible" Mother flooding back to me. We all think our parents will live forever, and when they don't, it rocks our world. Let me tell you though, nothing, short of one of my children falling ill, could ever rock my world the way my husband's diagnosis did.

Cancer can creep in at any time, to anyone, at any age. It really sucks, but I'm not worried about it happening to me. I'm pretty fatalistic now about myself. If it happens, it happens. I constantly tell my husband I wish it were me rather than him with the cancer. What I do have is a dread fear of being "left behind" and alone.

I'm also worried sick for my children with regard to genetics. I don't know how many of the "family cancers" get handed down. But worry doesn't get you anywhere.

Sorry this was so long, but you obviously touched a nerve with many on this board.

Thanks for your thought provoking post!

Welthy

[Sheri]

You know Nick, something I've learned from reading this board and seeing the loss of many members over the past two years, death is not to be feared. Perhaps I'm jaded or maybe just a realist.

I'm not afraid of my mortality. Since death has hovered over the strongest person in my life, I've embraced it and just hope I have time to make provisions for my survivors when it is my time to go. Many years ago, at my Dad's kitchen table, we talked about death and I had this huge enlightenment, though he now claims it was his own:

We were okay before we were born, why wouldn't we be okay in death?

[Maryanne]

Hi Nick,

This is actually a very good post. You are getting so much perspecive from so many of our memebers.

I on the other hand just feel I am immuned to C, which of couse is ridiculous. As it can happen at any given time. My thinking comes from my genes. My dad lived till 91, he did have Parkinson, but he was lucky as he did not have tremers it affected his legs. My mom lived till 94. There is no Cancer or heart disease in either side. So I don't stress over it.

My husband on the other hand, his mom had colon cancer, his sister breast cancer, his moms brother and sister died from LC and he found out his biological father died of LC and of course he has LC.

So now I am beginning to stress, not for me but for my children as they may be at risk.

Of course like Peggy said, I could have eaten that spinach or can be in a car accident. It is what it is... I seem to be using that expression so much lately.

Anyway, we just have to make the most of the time we have. Get our checkups when scheduled and just pray for the best. Anything caught early enough is curable.

There is things I can do to help myself stay healthy, like exercise and eat better. These are things that are important and I just have to make these changes. But I am just not ready yet...

Maryanne

[Kathleen1]

Nick, I totally feel that way. I never thought about ME dying one day. I of course thought of losing Mom or Dad or both as they were/are up there in years. But since Mom's diagnosis and passing I think about my own mortality all the time. I swear I do a self breast exam daily. I married the love of my life back in July. Took me 40 years to find him. I worry about him every minute of every day. I worry that I will leave him or he will leave me due to illness or tragedy.

I have a long commute to work every day. People drive like maniacs. I don't know if it is getting worse or just because I am getting older. But these days I am so aware of how many people are driving and drinking a cup of coffee with one hand while holding a cell phone in the other. Or holding up papers on the steering wheel that they are reading! I see people pass in no passing zones where there is zero visability. It is really scary! So now that I have lost Mom I am convinced that I will be stricken with some sort of illness or killed on the road.

This is stuff I really never gave a thought before. And I wonder why I think about it so much. I mean my Mom lived a good life. She was 85 and 1/2. But it HAS made me think of it, keeps me up at night and I really really realize now just how short life really is. Even my Dad has said "you know the past 85 years has really flown by".

Anyway, you are not alone Nick as you can see from the posts. And I Thank YOU for bringing this topic up. Because it has been weighing heavy on my mind too. Funny how on the one hand I feel as though it will be forever until I see my Mom again.........on the other I wonder how long I have left????? I guess we never know. It surely is part of the grieving process and will get better in time. But thanks for making me feel a bit more normal too

k

[Ann]

Nick...Your feelings and fears are perfectly normal. Before cancer enters our lives, we seem to feel as if it always "happens to someone else." When it comes calling in our own family and takes someone we love, our perspective changes completely. After losing Dennis, I'm not afraid of death but I do fear the illness that can cause death.

[Mskim]

Although I am no longer afraid of my mortality, it certainly is in the front corner of my mind along with everyone elses. I always thought we were invincible, that my life was charmed and then one day I got the call that my dad... also invincible, was killed and as soon as I caught my breath from that, mom was dignosed... I think I always will be expecting the next tragic news, always waiting for the next bomb to drop.

When I had my CT scan for the nodules on my lungs I had my course of treament and my funeral planned and I am 36.

My dad died at 56 and mom at 58... I think on some days it would be a blessing to go before them and others a blessing to live long past them.

When my mom was diagnosed I turned to God, who has literally saved me from myself. I no longer am fearful of death itself, just have alot of anxiety of the pain it causes who is left behind.

[Martha02]

Nick, last week I was just thinking about that. I had cancer too 13 years ago. It was lymphoma. It was fast growing but they got it on time. I really didn't think about it anymore until my mom went for her first chemo last year, and I broke down, it's easier to go through it yourself that seeying someone you love go through it. Just the other night I had a panic attack thinking, what if the cancer comes back, I really don't want my kids to go through what I went through, I am scared for my kids not for me. Now that my mom's death is sinking in more, I do think about my own mortality.

But don't worry about you, your mom is watching over you, do you really think she will let anything happen to you?????

take care!

martha

[wiesia]

Last July my best friend went to a doctor for a stomach pain and came saying that she has a pancreatic cancer that has already spread to her liver. The doctor said "maybe three months". She lived only seven weeks. Then in September my mother's breast cancer came back and a month later my father was found to have lung cancer.

My girlfriend getting sick and dying so quickly (just like your mother) was a terrible experience. It did cast a shadow of not only death but also fear over my life. Fear that you never know when you can get hit with a terminal cancer that will take you in just a few weeks.

It is a very egoistic thought, I know, but what keeps me sane these days is telling myself that however terrible it is that people you love are disappearing you are still here. And as long as you are here you are alive and, for what you know, you might be alive for a very long time to come.

So it is something to be happy about.

wiesia

[recce101]

[Nick C] ...Does anyone else...feel like they are far more mortal?

[stand4hope] ...On this website...were the words, "We are all terminal."

Or, to say it another way, "Life is inherently fatal."

I don't believe cancer has caused me to feel any more mortal than before, but it has changed what I'm doing and plan to do with whatever time I have left. Also, I think age has an effect on how one views mortality, especially when faced with imminent danger -- at least it has for me.

If I'd met my end over North Vietnam, assuming I was able to realize what was happening, I'd probably have felt very cheated. I was only 29, my kids weren't yet in school, and I'd barely started on this journey called life. If it had been cancer instead of 37mm artillery, I believe I would have felt the same way. As it was, I somehow emerged unscathed, and I resolved to never again let the "small stuff" bother me. I've seen the same comment from young cancer survivors.

Now, at age 71, it's a different ballgame. I've had many opportunities over the years, have succeeded in some, have passed others by, and have totally messed up a few. If my positive expectations prove to be unfounded and I succomb to cancer next year or the year after, I will not feel particularly cheated. My main regret will be that I won't be around to help my wife in the coming years or to see what my children and granddaughter do with the next phase of their lives.

In the meantime, this battle with cancer has caused a change in my outlook that I would not have anticipated. If my positive expectations hold true, I'll do everything in my power to make it a permanent change. Let me explain:

During my second chemo session my son surprised me at the clinic with a portable DVD player and the complete first season episodes of "My Name is Earl," a riotously funny redneck/trailerpark-mentality comedy with a message. After a near-fatal accident, Earl has made a list of all the bad things he's done to others throughout his life and has set out to make amends with every one. As Earl says, he's "jus' tryin' to be a better person." This series, in addition to being a great way to spend a chemo session, has had a real impact on me. I'd never be able to right every wrong I've done in my life, but being a "better person" -- that I can do.

Aloha,

Ned