I am completly overwhelmed!!!!!!

[judysdaughter]

Hi!

It's Judu's daughter again. I haven't really been a great responder over the past two weeks, but I've been browsing. So great news!!! (I'm sorry I don't know how to insert those cool faces). Anyway, my mom is doing great physically after surgery. We did get her on anti-anxiety medicine and it has helped. I have one aunt here, who's leaving on Saturday, and another here who's coming a week later. Unforutantely, my mom is not all fuzzy and warm. It seems like the rest of the folks on here are just stellar patients , or close to. My mom isn't.

I am completely overwhelmed. She doesn't actively participate in her life. She feels lucky but leaves the rest up to me. I know she is in pain and is experiencing anxiety. Who wouldn't???? But honestly, I don't know how long I can carry the load. I am 30, with a husband, a child, with an intense job (which helps her financially), and I feel like it's just not possible to keep doing it all. She doesn't want to be left alone but she doesn't want to be nice to anyone. She wants people when she wants them and wants them to be gone when she's irritated.

I know she doesn't feel well and that she is in pain. If this behavior was distinctly oriented to her illness, I'd have much more understanding. Truth is, and I hate to say it, she's always had these issues. I am so frustrated that she's gotten a second opportunity at life and is pissing it away (sorry for the cuss word but I couldn't figure out another one).

At some point, due to her choices, she HAS GOT TO PARTICIPATE IN HER OWN LIFE!!!!!! I can only do so much. I have my own son, not to mention my husband (thank God he is loving) to handle. I'm sorry that I am so negative with such a great physical result. I am just worried that her lack of involvement will impede her treatment (not exercising, not moving, needs someone to yell at).

Any ideas how I can help her when I am so frustrated?????????? Please, I appreciate all the help. No matter how hard.

Also, cures to all.

[Donna G]

Does she have friends or neighbors, church membership? Any way you could coordinate others to " be there on tues afternoon" " deliver a hot dish" ( we all eat hot dishes here in Minnnesota) "Mow the yard" " be there on Thursday afternoon" etc. Many times if people know what is needed for a few hours etc they are happy to help. Is she home bound maybe she needs a home health visit? The ideal is if you can find someone willing to coordinate this. Best wishes Donna G

[Donna D]

Being a caregiver is a very hard job. The frustration level is overwelming. Are they are giving Judy something for depression? It is a problem I know. My Mom was like that at times as well, she was just so tired of not feeling good. She needed to vent her frustrations as well and being family, she felt most comfortable venting at us. I remember her venting, then she would get a call from someone who was not family, her whole tune would change, as soon as she was off the phone, her anger was back. I would just try to listen, having no response sometimes, because that was all she wanted and the only thing I could do without getting angry myself. I'll tell you what, each night when I went home to my own family, I would end up crying and or screaming in the car the whole way. Is there anyone that can give you a break, I know we feel guilty taking time for ourselves, but you need to do it if you can. Hang in there, I'm glad you can talk about it, that helps as well.

Dona

[judysdaughter]

Well, here's the deal. She does have friends who are willing to help. I'm trying to set up a daily visiting schedule. I think it does her good to have a reason to "get ready." I also think that it is important that she takes care of some of this herself. I work 10 hour days and she sits at home with nothing to do. Her friends are really wanting to help but she doesn't want to ask. She is very religious and goes to mass (we're Catholic) but operates in a more anonymous fashion. She is on xanax (sp?) and that does seem to help her a bit.

Sidebar. She's from Iowa, so I understand the hot dishes part of it Donna! That is one thing I know I do well for her. She does like my cooking. Heck, she taught me!

As for people looking in. It's different here. People just don't seem to pitch in community wise like they do in the midwest. My aunt from Iowa can't believe it. Part of it too, is that she only wants family to be there.

I am sorry to sound stressed. I know I should feel very lucky. I just had to let it out. I don't want to be around her and let negativity in.

[Guest canuckwebgrrl]

Your feelings are very normal, I think we've all encountered the 'negativity' thing at some point, and it is very overwhelming. The advice already posted by others seems like the best course of action. I personally think that screaming in your car can be a good thing. You need to let out some of your frustration and stress. Good luck.

[Don Wood]

You need to keep perspective -- you have a job, a family, friends. You need to give those areas of your life attention, too, so that means less for your mom, whether she has cancer or not. I would encourage others to visit with your mom, whether she prefers you or not. Sometime, it is just getting used to someone else. If you try and do everythign, the stress will lower your own immune system, and you may get a serious illness, physical or mental. As a caregiver, you must take care of yourself first, or you will be no good to anyone. And I like the suggestion to scream -- I have done that -- unfortunately, at times I did it in earshot of my wife, and I should have done it where she couldn't hear me. We need to vent our emotions, and this is one good place to do that. I wish you courage and energy. You will need it. Don

[kimblanchard]

I think I know where you are coming from. I also have one daughter who is also a very caring daughter but I think sometimes expects too much from me. I have always been the rock, the strong one in the family, my husband has had many serious illnesses through the years, open heart surgeries, nearly died three times, etc. I always held the family together, now I am the one with the illness. And although I have been doing very well through chemo, any little thing that is wrong with me, no matter how slight, my daughter seems to take as a death knell because she is not used to me being anything but superwoman. I can relate to your mom, I am not a warm and fuzzy type of person, I love my family and friends but with others I tend to be a little standoffish, I don't think I would want relatives who I hardly ever saw taking care of me, I lose patience too easily and it would make me much too uncomfortable. Are you sure your mom needs someone with her all the time? If I were you I would have a straight talk with her and find out exactly what she needs and wants and then you tell her where you stand. You can only do so much by yourself, something has to give. Obviously you cannot keep up this pace and if I read your mother correctly it sounds like she would relate very well to a honest discussion instead of beating around the bush and trying to second guess her wishes. Try it what have you got to lose? It just may snap her out of her funk and make her realize how you are feeling.

Best of luck

Bess B

[judysdaughter]

I really appeciated all of your responses. I think the xanax (sp?) has finally kicked in. My husband, son, and I went over today to pick up, bring groceries, cook, and watch the Broncos (it was close but a win is a win). She said for the first time that she is starting to feel ok. My husband got her VCR all fixed up and we brought movies that she seemed to be interested in. Then, my son ( took her out and walked two blocks with her and she seemed to do well. Best of all, she was a lot more hopeful. She was making plans and actually seemed to enjoy herself. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will continue. Thank you all so much for your encouraging words.

I did scream in my car Friday. You know, just to let it out. It helped.