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The Size of the Waves


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The only losses as far as death that I've experienced before Mom were both of my Grandmother's and my wonderful dog Teddy.

I was very sad at these losses but I guess accepted them more? Losing Mom is so very different. I dream about her and wake up crying. I haven't had a really restful nights sleep since May 22nd when we discoverd the cancer had spread to her brain.

For a time things will seem better, almost normal. And then Whoooosh! The waves come in and I can't feel the ground underneath my feet. Not at all like walking on air, rather I'm falling and there is nothing to catch me. I feel so isolated in my grief. My older siblings don't talk about it at all. My dear dear best friend is gone forever. There is nothing else to think about. Even if I do think about something else she is always right there in my mind. How brave she was in her battle against cancer. How she never once complained. How she was the one person who truly truly loved me faults and all. How she would light up like a firefly everytime I came home to see her. She made everything so complete. My Mom was the best person I ever knew.

The other night I had a dream that she was sitting in a chair and I could see her but she was far far away and growing further away. I screamed in my dream like a little child belloring "Mommy! Mommy!!!!!!!!!!" I can still hear it. I woke up thinking I had actually screamed this outloud. It was two days ago and I can still hear it. The holidays are coming. I have done everything to make it bearable. I've baked the cookies she always baked. I made her special pepper jelly. I've baked her date bread in tin cans just the way she did. I've decorated our house more than I have decorated in years. I want this to be a very special Christmas for my new husband and bonus daughters as it is our first together. But inside I am so full of grief. I keep thinking its getting better and then it kicks my #@! again.

The waves of grief are very difficult. When they are low you start to calm down but then they build and build and it feels they will swallow you whole. I guess we need the small ones to recover from the big ones.

I miss you Mom - Every minute of everyday. I hope that I am 10% of the person you were. I miss your love and kindness. Your smile and sense of humor. I wear your wedding ring and mother's ring every single day keeping you with me. Please give me a sign soon, I need you.

Thank you for allowing me to get that all out. I think I need a nap. Thinking of all of you and wishing you peace from your own grief and loss.

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It has been over 2 years now since I lost my dad and I can still totally relate to your post. I still have those waves of grief that knock me down.

I could have replaced the word "dad" where you have "mom" so many times in your post. He was my best friend, he loved me unconditionally and he loved me more then anyone else on this earth. It is unbearable to lose someone like that in your life.

I too have said I hope to be a fraction of the person my dad was. He was kind, loving, caring and oh so funny. How I miss his humor.

I hope you get through the holidays with warm and happy memories of your mom. It sounds like she was a wonderful person who would want you to enjoy the holidays and life.


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