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Merry Christmas, Mom...


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Hi everyone-

I've been MIA from this board for awhile - having a newborn and two other kids in the house leaves me little time for anything else (including thinking too much). A blessing? Maybe- I'm still convinced this baby is here for a reason....

My two sisters and I went to Arlington Cemetery this morning and put a wreath on Mom's grave - we attached ornaments the kids made and also a "Mom" ornament. Just looking at the wreath sitting under her name on the stone - my sister said "Did you ever think we'd be HERE on Christmas Eve?" and we all burst into tears. My mom LOVED Christmas like no one I know...she made it special for everyone. In 40 years, I've never gone a Christmas without going to my parents' house and eating my mom's Christmas cookies, and watching her pass out presents to all the kids and grandkids. We are going this year, but it will be unreal without her there.

Nick, I read your post about mortality. Suddenly I feel it. It's so strange and disturbing.

The feeling of not having a mom is inexplicable. The pain...oh, the pain. My mom was going to be one of those hip, cute little 85-year-old women, taking care of the younger ones in the retirement community, running all over the place. She barely sat down when she was alive, and to see this illness take her life (in every way) was heartbreaking. It's like I'm still sort of in this denial phase - when the thought that I will never see her again pops into my head, I push it far away. Too painful...last Christmas we didn't even know she had cancer, and this Christmas she is gone. SCLC is the most evil, insidious disease...I try so hard every day not to be bitter. But it's hard...

I guess I just want to reach out to everyone out there and send you my thoughts and prayers during this holiday season. I'm thinking of all of you...

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